Feeling like we are “better” than our parners

[Jbm71]

I can absolutely relate to this.

For a long time now, and I’ve been aware of my codependency, I’ve been so wrapped up in my dBPDw’s shortcomings that I became a selfish, controlling, invalidation machine, and it’s caused a serious breakdown in communication and we’re consequently separated.

It struck me like watching The Sixth Sense, I was able to look back and discover all the dishonest mixed messages I would put out in an attempt to undermine my wife’s need for autonomy. I’m so mad at myself, and more than a little embarrassed by my behavior.

[ct21218]

This view kept me stuck for a long time.   I acted like I was a martyr for staying in a bad situation.  The truth is that I always played a part in the dysfunction.  I don't find it helpful when people make generalities about those with BPD or NPD.  A very small portion of those on the board are with someone is actually diagnosed.  I have known several people with this disorder, some have way more insight than others, some seem to intentionally harm people, whereas as some are more depressive.

I heard something on a TV show one time about something called 'outrageous oversight.'  It's where someone's behavior is so over the top that I give myself a pass for my own behavior. I did that for a long time and the situation kept deteriorating.  I hung onto the role of victim and nothing changed.  Until I was willing to own my part, I couldn't heal it move forward.   I think that happens quite a bit here.

[Rev]

I remember learning years ago that the only appropriate comparison is self to self, never self to other. How much healthier it is to compare one’s understanding to the self one used to be, rather than to attempt to boost one’s ego by comparison to someone else!

This is too, too true...   These days, given the advent of neuroscience, we are discovering that he next step in this journey is to develop a truly spiritual relationship, with oneself, but with-in oneself. 

I don't know if that makes sense - very buddhist I know - but there it is. In fact, I have a colleague where I study who is considering a Phd in understanding the role of transcendence to access childhood trauma. 

Fascinating.

Rev

[once removed]

I remember learning years ago that the only appropriate comparison is self to self, never self to other. How much healthier it is to compare one’s understanding to the self one used to be, rather than to attempt to boost one’s ego by comparison to someone else!

absolutely. most of us get that its not a good idea to look at how much better off someone seems than we do. no healthier to do the inverse.

Many of the dysfunctional things that we do are based on insecurities and codependency is one - we feel better about ourselves when we are superior to our partner. We focus on fixing their problems so we don't have to fix ours.

looking back, feeling superior was part of believing my partner needed me, and was incapable of leaving me, and there was a lot of comfort in that for someone who had been hurt before and feared abandonment.

imagine how that crumbled when she did leave.

[ortac77]

I must admit to having some trouble with this at the moment and I think maybe it is because I am seeing the co-dependency exists within me. Taken as a straightforward question - am I co-dependent the answer would seem to be yes.

My boundaries are often weak, I do struggle at times with self esteem, I like facts but feel discomfort confronting feelings and undoubtedly I can be controlling at times.

Does this make me a bad person though? Is it really saying that in order to survive I have to compare myself with and feel superior to another who has an illness? Am I in fact comparing myself with them? Maybe it is more correct to say that I am beginning to compare myself now with how I used to be and to what extent these character traits are simply part of me and always have been and perhaps to what extent I accept who I am.

I know my Myers-Briggs type, its ISTJ, and yes quite strong on the J - Im not proud of that and have worked to reduce Judgement -practising mindfulness to help see my judgements for what they are.

NotWendy mentions 12 step groups and for some time I attended these, they certainly helped me see some of my areas to change and counselling also helped to turn a mirror on myself.

To what extent though can I change or is it more about to what extent do I want to?

I am not 'better' than my partner - I am better at dealing with life and what it throws at me, I don't look at and envy others but I do accept that I have been part of my relationship problem - BPD (diagnosed in my partner) - co-dependency - recognised in me - perhaps its just oil and water - can never mix?

[Notwendy]

For the parners- it's not a good feeling to be on the receiving end of that "superiority". This was the case with me and it was easy to fall into it being that I was the family scapegoat growing up and felt that nothing I could do was "good enough" for my parents. Still, I tried, and I suspect my H enjoyed me trying harder and harder to be "good enough" for him.

One of the issues was emotions. He was stoic, but could accellerate from calm to an angry outburts in seconds. This scared me and my usual response was to cry, out of fear. This triggered him even more and he would tell me that such feelings were weaknesses. I found it hard to connect with him emotionally. He presented himself as the calm and in control one. This was very hard for me as one of my fears was being like my mother, who disregulated frequently- crying, screaming, and was clearly out of control.

Neither of us had good role models for emotional regulation. His father was just like him. Big boys don't cry.. But quick to anger. If my H had cried, his Dad would have lit into him. In my home the only feelings that were focused on were my BPD mother's. She had feelings but no empathy. If I cried as a child, she yelled at me. It's because she couldn't manage her own feelings, how could she manage someone else's. But this dynamic was paralleled with my H.

I was however, an expert at managing someone else's feelings. It was survival in my home growing up. I learned to be very sensitive to people's moods, step in and soothe them in some ways. We could tell what mood my mother was in just by looking at her, and walking on eggshells was the norm.

What a great match for my H. I suspect it was part of the attraction. All he would need to do was grumble and I would panic and start "fixing" things.

So on the scale of "skills", I have a high EQ when it comes to relationships and other people. I can relate to their feelings. My H on the other hand doesn't do that well. Yet he has other skills. I think I was attracted to his calmness ( when not angry). The anger showed itself after marriage and surprised me. Maybe there were small signs but not as obvious.

When it came to emotional regulation, my task was to learn to regulate my own emotions in the face of someone being angry and upset with me. That was scary to me, growing up, if my parents were angry, that was not going to go well. But my H being angry was not as threatening- he didn't show any signs of harming me, I just couldn't manage my own feelings. If I got emotional, then things would get worse.

I think for those of us who have co-dependency tendencies, it is our own fears we are "managing" by managing someone else's feelings, but we need to be able to manage our own.

And for those who feel superior, it is likely masking an area that needs work on, like an insecurity.

We can and should "feel" our feelings. How we express them requires the ability to self soothe. This can vary according to our personalities.  But neither extreme- showing no emotions or being out of control is, IMHO good for a relationship.