Push/Pull help

[AllyMaine]

Hi all,
So after two weeks of no contact my romantic interest with BPD has come back. He got in touch yesterday and explained what had happened and apologised. To set the scene he is quite a bit younger than me (16 years in fact) but he is very mature of his age and I do really like him, so I am willing to look past the age gap. I’ve gone into this with no expectations but he made it clear from the start he didn’t just want us to meet the once and never again.
Anyway two weeks ago he blocked me on everything after I made the decision to delete him due to him ignoring me for a week, and I assumed that was the end, there had been no argument or anything so I was really confused as to what I’d done or what had happened.
Yesterday he reactivated his social media account and messaged me, he apologised and said that he was scared of his feelings for me and it confused him falling for someone 16 years older and he got scared and had to push me away until he could get his head straight and think clearly. He said he knew he would message me when he deactivated his accounts but couldn’t help the way he felt and needed a break and that he really liked me.
He’s agreed that it’s not the correct way to go about things, pushing people away until he can think straight but he says he cant help it and that he doesn’t cope well.
I think he’s scared of the fact that I’m not like other girls who he’s been with, I’ve taken the time to look up his condition and try to be as understanding as I can, as I know it’s not his fault and obviously I’m older so I have more patience and can be a bit more understanding.
I saw him last night so now I guess I’m just wanting a bit of advice of how to carry on now and what to do for the best. I think I’ve come to the conclusion now its probably best to let him come to me rather than me messaging him but that’s hard if I want to speak to him.
He’s told me that he never usually speaks to women hardly and is prone to just telling them to leave him alone after a half hour conversation so I do believe he is telling me the truth.
We were talking last night about how he is and he was telling me some things about his childhood and I just looked at his face and ended up with tears in my eyes, my heart breaks for him and he is so vulnerable at times which is why I want to try and make this work out as best as I can. I know he doesn’t let many people into his life and wouldn’t tell everyone what he told me last night but I assume he knows I don’t judge him or anything.
I did say to him last night if you need a break or don’t want to speak to me just tell me, I think with other women he would have just been rude to them and told them but I believe because he likes me he’s thought that taking a break is his way of protecting me rather than getting angry with me.
I do have some books I’m going to read about BPD to try and make me more aware of what he is feeling and why, I know it’s stemmed from childhood trauma as he’s told me some things (hence the tears last night). I just don’t want to push him away again so I suppose I need to be more knowledgeable about what he is going through.
Is there any way to stop this push/pull or do I just have to realise that this is what will happen? I think he has fear of engulfment more than abandonment to be honest as he seems to pull when I push if you get me?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bigbear007]

Hi Ally,

One thing that is very important to remember with people with BPD is that they manipulate situations for their best interests, I would say reading your posts that him pushing you away is not because he needs space or doesn't want to overwhelm you, he most certainly will do that. My best guess would be that because of the age gap possibly he will have it in his head that you will probably lose interest or abandon him. This is typical of people with BPD, I have BPD so I am talking from first hand experience of how we think and how I would think if faced with a similar situation.

Other people here may disagree so would be interesting for someone a bit more 'normal' to give their insight but my advice would be, let him come to you, but think seriously about if you are prepared to endure something like this for the long term? Is he in therapy for BPD?

He will probably tell you that you aren't like anyone else he has ever met before and that you are different, and although that may very well be true, I have said things like this to many people many times. You almost say and act in whatever way possible to get the person you want.

If you do want to make a go of it then perhaps reassure him about the age gap and also about your feelings, if he says anything initially that you disagree with, try to approach the situation in a way that makes him feel like you are agreeing with him. People with BPD as I mentioned in another post, depending on their emotional state at the time can be like talking to a 5 year old, and you literally need to spell things out to them for them to understand.

Hope that helps somewhat, feel free to ask anything else.

[AllyMaine]

Hi Bigbear007,

I would reassure him of my feelings but then I don't know if that's going to trigger his fear of engulfment meaning he pushes away more. Its so confusing? I dont know how to play it to be honest, he's told me he likes me and that he knew he would message me again when he deleted his accounts, however I didn't know this at the time and I don't want to spill my feelings now and be hurt again if he pushes away.
Before this episode of no contact happened we would spend time together then he would pull away, I got used to this before and was understanding when it happened however when he didn't respond to my message for a week I was upset to say the least and deleted him as I couldn't bear to keep checking if he had read the message. this is obviously whats spurred on the deactivation of social media to feel he wasn't going to be bothered by me to give himself time to think.
I think the age gap is the issue as he's said things to me before that make me think that he feels I'm just wasting my time with him and using him until someone older comes along, which isn't the case. I don't know how to reassure him in a way that doesn't trigger engulfment but shows that I wont run off at the first sign of trouble. When he contacted me yesterday I was sympathetic and wasn't angry in the slightest, I told him I was concerned he was ok and I was worried. Then last night when we were speaking I said to him if he needed a break or didn't want to speak to me to tell me and I would be understanding with him.
Its all so confusing and I just don't know what to do for the best?

[cosmical]

All you can do is give him space and work to become more knowledgeable on BPD. He knows where you stand so the ball is in his court. Initiating more contact or attempting more persuasion right now would likely push him away more.

I can tell you are a very supportive type so you may feel like it's your duty to reach out and heal him, but understand that he can't be healed (without extensive professional treatment, and even then that's not complete) and he just has to make his own realizations. All you can do is focus on yourself and learn to become more knowledgable about BPD, then if he does decide to come back then you can rebuild from a better place.

However the unfortunate reality is no matter how well you are prepared the cycle is VERY likely to repeat. It's not their fault so it's good that you are not getting angry, but don't forget to focus on yourself. Relationships with a BPD require great personal strength which is easy to forget when you're in the midst of a pull.

Regarding "being special" this is something I've heard many times. My partner would say I'm the best looking, best at x, best at y, I know she's had many partners and this would be statistically very unlikely, but I think they do fully believe it in the moment.

[cosmical]

Also I should add there there could be an element of guilt to his actions. By all means read up on BPD but for the most part keep this to yourself. When my partner knew the lengths I was taking to "cope" with her it made her feel like a burden.

[AllyMaine]

I was unsure whether to let him know whether I had been looking into his condition so now you've said that I will keep it to myself.
I stayed with him last night and didn't message him this morning like I usually would have before and he's contacted me to say sorry for being a bit off this morning (he is not a morning person ) this doesn't bother me in the slightest though as not many people are, I'm just my usual chatty self which can annoy some people so when he snapped I just said "don't start" and gave him a kiss and left telling him to message me later  . We had a little conversation when he messaged as he apologised for being off and I explained that it doesn't bother me and I know he didn't mean it, and now I'm going to leave it to him to get back in touch with me as I know he will.
I think my issue is that I like to let people know that I care and that I'm there for them meaning rather than letting him come to me when he's ready I've pushed for conversations when he doesn't feel up to talking which has obviously resulted in him feeling engulfed and cutting me off.
Maybe this will change me as a person for the better and also make me be less quick to fly off the handle if I feel he's being off with me. Obviously if he does something that I don't like I will tell him but I do have a quick temper sometimes. Reading up on BPD has made me realise he's not doing it on purpose and when we chatted last night he said he does take things the wrong way with people as he takes them literally. I explained that in messaging it is hard to get the tone across and if he ever feels like I've said something like that to question it. We'll see how that one goes.
All I can do really is take each day as it comes and hopefully the closer we get the more he realises he can trust me.