How to come alongside and avoid the Karpman triangle

[PeaceMom]

Enabler,

We always begin with  rewarding good behavior! That’s why she got the car and the phone in the first place. That’s why she was able to keep to car and drive every day for 4 mos. That’s why we paid for her phone for 3 yrs. Then the illegal drug transactions and sexting (illegal if you are underage inUS as this is considered child pornography) began and we set limits and consequences so she lost them. Very clear cut and simple. Stating the positive first:” these are both for mature responsible teenagers. We trust you. We are willing to pay for these if you operate responsibly.” These was parenting 101 for us. Then when she broke laws and wound up in jail at 17, we took the tool she used -The phone- and refused to pay.

We are very far down the road on all this boundary and consequence stuff. We’ve got it down, but it doesn’t work.
Now, about the promiscuity... it may actually be prostitution with money involved, but I refuse to become a detective. I’m a mom, plain and simple. She’s a 19 yr old adult. We will never be ok with getting money from others in that fashion.
Thanks for your thoughts.

LNL, yes it’s tough to hear that every week about my boundaries. T tells me I must radically accept her as she is. And I must  not put up with her raging in my face. So, I simply close door quietly and walk away. Some days I skip greeting her in the hopes she won’t rage.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

Blind1,
The boundaries are supposed to protect us. So, in theory, if someone screams at us, we walk away or demand they leave if we are in control of our home. I’m not sure about the chores. You aren’t paying for work not done, so your boundary is protecting your money, but your DD may be leaving huge messes that she won’t clean. I’d like to say my boundary is not living with an adult who chooses not to clean up after themself. But how would you protect yourself there? Other than giving consequences like you will need to move out if you can’t respect our home? Round and round we go. We did the same thing with grades, we celebrated and rewarded “C’s”.

One reward that pushed her toward graduation was that we promised a laptop. The week she graduated we let her pick it out.

[PeaceMom]

DD has a lot of legal trouble-multiple speeding tickets, her car has been towed 5 times from parking illegally, she has a protective order against her from old BF.

One very clear, concise limit we’ve set is that we do not help her with her legal troubles. We validate how frustrated she must have been driving into work late and getting her 4th speeding ticket. We validate how sad it would be to be dumped by the bf, but how it was illegal to stalk him, etc etc etc. Then, we try to share (even tho this is a waste of verbal energy bc she lacks empathy) how having the constable come to our door looking for her  3 times and taping legal proceedings on door for all the neighborhood to see made us feel very bad.
It’s exhausting and we are getting nowhere except that there is less raging and screaming (by her) bc we try to be light as a fairy here.

[Blind1]

PeaceMom,

Yes it is very exhausting. I feel for you and will pray for you and your DD (the whole family really).

I know my situation pales in comparison to what you and some others are going thru with your BP's, but I'm exhausted too. For years we have been going thru this and I'm tired of being the only one who seems to be doing all of the work. I try to step back and feel empathy because I know she can't deal with things or think clearly but at some point...  It is just so difficult for me to understand why you can't even manage to pick up your clothes in the bathroom or hang your towel up.

I am also trying to protect the younger kids. Luckily my 12yo is very matter of fact and reasonable and I can be honest with him about what is going on, but I worry about him seeing all of this and the resentment it can cause, not only against her, but against me too. My 6yo is still pretty cluless, but he has made some comments.

Thank goodness I don't have to deal with much raging. She for the most part will only communicate with me via text, even if she is in the house. The only time there is verbal communication is if I say something to her first and most of the time there is little to no response. It makes it very difficult though because inflection and connotation gets lost in texting. At some point there is going to be a "come to Jesus" session though. She keeps saying she is moving out, but refuses to talk to me about it. I really just want to know when, but all I get is soon. I'm trying to lay low for a little while because if that is the case, I want it to be somewhat amicable but depending on how long she is staying, some things need to change.

[PeaceMom]

Blind,
Your situation is complex. Having younger siblings in the home adds extra responsibility for you. Trying to insulate others from what summers below the surface is extremely trying. If you can find some of Lollypop’s posts about her Light as a Fairy approach, it may help while you are laying low and avoiding confrontation while she gets her “move out” plan.

[Blind1]

Thanks PeaceMom. I have been trying to be "light as a fairy" when talking to her (although like I said, that is very rare). I think it's almost comical though. I'm not that type of person, so I'm sure I'm going overboard with it and when I'm done, I usually have to leave the room and laugh at how I am trying to do this. At least I can find some relief from all of it. 

[FaithHopeLove]

I am locking this thread because it has reached its length limit. The post originator is welcomed to open a continuation thread on this topic.  Have a great day.