Huband with BPD

[KLD2007]

I'm so happy to have found this chat.
My husband had an inappropriate conversation with an ex fiancé in March of 2017.  He knew he needed help so we got him to a psychiatrist.  He's was diagnosed with PtSD and depression but he does lie so it could have changed since then.  He's always been a quiet BPD and internalized it all.  Well April of 2019 he drank too much with his meds (Xanax, sertraline, buspar, folic acid) and punched holes in the walls of a friends club.  Two weeks later I found out what he did and he didnt' remember.  I told him and from that point on I am his anger problem, I've kept him from his family, basically to him, I'm the root of all evil. 
To this day he still hates me.  How do I know it's his BPD or if he truly hates me and wants a divorce?  We have filed before but he refused to sign and over the summer it was withdrawn.  Now he wants a divorce again (so he says) but won't sign.  THen he says he got a lawyer but no word yet.  Does he really want to stay or does he truly want out?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

Hi KLD2007  I'm glad you're here too!

It's hard to say what he wants. It's possible that in a powerful shame-averse state, he is projecting hate for himself onto you. More importantly, how are you doing with all of this? What do you want? How long have you been married?