A paradox I cannot understand

[CHChuck]

I woke up this morning in the small, lumpy bed in our guest room for the 700th day in a row because I sometimes wake my wife up in the middle of the night with my squirming or sniffing. Nearly two months later, my pwBPD asked me to stop reading in our marriage bed and tucking her in because she doesn't like the way I wrinkle the sheets. 

When I came downstairs, a faint "morning" is sandwiched between scowls and snappy remarks. Later, working together at the same table, my wife glares at me then back to her computer. A minute later, she says, "do you have to drink that so loudly?" I guess I gulped?  I am forced to leave the room to finish my drink.

I'm incredibly unhappy with this situation and would likely leave if our financial situation were reversed (long story here). Knowing this, my wife doubles down to lock me in place rather than to make changes to the way she behaves. Her answer to my requests for change are, "enjoy what you have, you have it made."

I am knocked back by my partners inability to take the perspective of the individual with whom she lives. Both our daughters moved out the second they were able.  Family members will visit us, but only if they can stay in a hotel 

In contrast, during a short-term public situation, my wife can be the kindest, most patient person I've ever seen. Why can't she understand our marriage would be bliss if I were on the receiving end of some of that kindness. I think, generally, spouses, friends, etc. of pwBPD are very easy to please. That positive energy is our life blood.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Why can't she understand our marriage would be bliss if I were on the receiving end of some of that kindness. I think, generally, spouses, friends, etc. of pwBPD are very easy to please. That positive energy is our life blood.

Hi CHChuck:
I had a hard time understanding how a family member could be so harsh & show what appeared to be hatred towards another family member.  It's doubly hard to understand, when their behaviors are contradictory to their religious beliefs.

Many people with BPD traits, or BPD, save up their bad feelings & dump them where they fell safe - at home & with those closest to them.  It makes no logical sense, that a person can interact with coworkers, church members and possibly friends like a kind, loving compassionate person; then, come home to family & be abusive.

Many of us can relate to a story about some prominent person in the community - sometimes, even a religious leader.  People are shocked to learn the dirty little family secret of how abusive this person is to family.

This behavior is common with people with either BPD and/or NPD traits. Unfortunately, it's unlikely to change for the long run.  The only thing you can do is to set boundaries & master communication strategies to make things better for you.

[zachira]

I feel sad when I hear how your wife with BPD is so unappreciative and puts down all your efforts to make her happy. You are perplexed about how she can be so charming and nice to others. What I am about to say may not be all that helpful, as having explanations of what typical behaviors of people with BPD can be, does not take away the pain and sorrow of being mistreated, especially when we have tried so hard to do everything we can to help the person with BPD in our lives to feel better.
I was raised by a mother with BPD and have two siblings with BPD, and there are other family members in the extended family that appear to have BPD as well. My experience is that people with BPD are chronically unhappy and they dump their unhappiness on those closest to them while presenting a happy, charming face to the rest of the world. They thrive on getting a positive reflection back from people they are not close to, as eventually the people that live with them cannot help but be extremely distressed by being mistreated by the family member with BPD.
Can you tell us which feelings belong to you and which ones belong to your wife? You are a kind caring guy and deserve to be appreciated.

[CHChuck]

Hi CHChuck:

Many people with BPD traits, or BPD, save up their bad feelings & dump them where they fell safe - at home & with those closest to them.  It makes no logical sense, that a person can interact with coworkers, church members and possibly friends like a kind, loving compassionate person; then, come home to family & be abusive.
...
This behavior is common with people with either BPD and/or NPD traits. Unfortunately, it's unlikely to change for the long run.  The only thing you can do is to set boundaries & master communication strategies to make things better for you.

I am sometimes taken back by the number of times I read something on this sight and think, "I though I was the only one who experienced that."  My wife has told me it's so exhausting keeping it together with everyone else. Being home is the place she can be herself. However, she is mortified to think anyone else might know or see this side of her...frankly she wants me not to see it either.

I am working on setting limits and communication. With a psych graduate degree and insisting I have BPD, she becomes angry when she hears my attempts at effective communication. 

Another thing I can do is set limits, expect her to react, and be OK with this reaction. I'm trying to figure out if I'm willing to accept this or not.  I sort of want to be overtly valued once in my life.

[CHChuck]

I feel sad when I hear how your wife with BPD is so unappreciative and puts down all your efforts to make her happy. You are perplexed about how she can be so charming and nice to others. What I am about to say may not be all that helpful, as having explanations of what typical behaviors of people with BPD can be, does not take away the pain and sorrow of being mistreated, especially when we have tried so hard to do everything we can to help the person with BPD in our lives to feel better.
... They thrive on getting a positive reflection back from people they are not close to, as eventually the people that live with them cannot help but be extremely distressed by being mistreated by the family member with BPD.
Can you tell us which feelings belong to you and which ones belong to your wife? You are a kind caring guy and deserve to be appreciated.

So interesting to hear their thriving on these positive reflection. Honestly, people would be SHOCKED to see her at home, sometimes.  Sometimes, she's wonderful. 

I really need to figure out what my calling in life is. Is it to be loved, respected, and honored by a partner who takes joy in my presence or is it to take care of someone who loves me, but shows it letting her guard down around me...meaning absolute control, with finances, love, and anger.

[once removed]

When I came downstairs, a faint "morning" is sandwiched between scowls and snappy remarks. Later, working together at the same table, my wife glares at me then back to her computer. A minute later, she says, "do you have to drink that so loudly?" I guess I gulped?  I am forced to leave the room to finish my drink.

does this sort of thing happen often? is your wife typically grumpy in the morning?