Can it be an obligation to stick it out?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Both my daughters, my brother, and my mother have earnestly encouraged me to find the courage to leave my highly functional BPD wife. They see the outbursts and ways she has treated me and want to protect me. Moreover, they all say I'm a different, more fun person when I they see me without her.

However, I only discovered her BPD a month ago and have JUST begun developing strategies to better handle episodes. So my response to them is rooted in loyalty. That is, if some accident had paralyzed her or she had had a stroke, I would stick by her, using whatever tools I can to support her and me. Why not treat BPD the same way. Of course, this is an easier comment for me to make because my wife is not violent nor has affairs...

Leaving the relationship would take tremendous courage because I've entirely dependent on her financially. For 30 years, peace only came when taking jobs that proved me the flexibility to make changes when she beckoned. Being a college student, then graduate student seemed to be my best option.

Has anyone else made this same connection? If so, when do you pull the trigger? Leaving a relationship if my wife treated me this way because of some injury would be unthinkable. Do I have a responsibility to other men who might get roped into a relationship with her? 

[CHChuck]

Both my daughters, my brother, and my mother have earnestly encouraged me to find the courage to leave my highly functional BPD wife. They see the outbursts and ways she has treated me and want to protect me. Moreover, they all say I'm a different, more fun person when I they see me without her.

However, I only discovered her BPD a month ago and have JUST begun developing strategies to better handle episodes. So my response to them is rooted in loyalty. That is, if some accident had paralyzed her or she had had a stroke, I would stick by her, using whatever tools I can to support her and me. Why not treat BPD the same way. Of course, this is an easier comment for me to make because my wife is not violent nor has affairs...

Leaving the relationship would take tremendous courage because I've entirely dependent on her financially. For 30 years, peace only came when taking jobs that proved me the flexibility to make changes when she beckoned. Being a college student, then graduate student seemed to be my best option.

Has anyone else made this same connection? If so, when do you pull the trigger? Leaving a relationship if my wife treated me this way because of some injury would be unthinkable. Do I have a responsibility to other men who might get roped into a relationship with her? 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I don't think there is one way to answer this as every relationship is different. Finances, children- these are all factors that come into consideration.

I think it is OK to not know for sure when you just found out what the issue is. Leaving a relationship is a big decision. People outside the marriage might encourage you to do this but you are the one who would need to do it. From what I have learned, I think this is a decision one needs to arrive at on their own, not because someone else arrived at it.

One approach is to work on yourself within the marriage. Many of us have bent to the will of the other person to the point of losing sight of who we are and enhacing our own emotional skills and interests. We may have poor boundaries, may be co-dependent or have co-dependent tendencies. One thing you can do is to see a counselor to work on some ways of developing who you are as an individual, not being who she wants. This may create some friction between you, but continuing to walk on eggshells and keep the peace may not be something in your best interest.

People say you are a different person without her. You can work on becoming that person- with or without her.

Personal change can cause friction- but that is part of growth, both for you, the marriage and for her. Your job is to be able to manage YOUR feelings while she is having an outburst. It's a learning process, but it can lessen the power of the outbursts, keep you from reinforcing them and that may sometimes diminish them. Ultimately, it's about keeping the focus on you, managing your feelings, not hers and letting her adjust however she can.

Should the marriage end, you are not responsible for some other man getting involved with her. That's his decision and he's an adult- who can and will make his own decisions.

[CHChuck]

"This may create some friction between you, but continuing to walk on eggshells and keep the peace may not be something in your best interest... Your job is to be able to manage YOUR feelings while she is having an outburst."

Thank you for these thoughts. I am working on reducing the stress and anxiety associated with walking on eggshells around her.  She is so clearly frustrated by my actions (today it was being asleep when she left for the morning) and I have been taught to do all I can to smooth the way. 

Another approach might be to do what considerately take care of myself and learn to ignore the harsh words or consequences that my pwBPD dishes out.

[Cat Familiar]

That your wife is highly functional is a good sign. It shows that she is capable of controlling her behavior in certain contexts. Yes, living with a BPD spouse is challenging, but by learning the strategies we teach here, you can make things much better by defusing arguments and strengthening your own boundaries.

Have you perused our Tools and Skills Workshops?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0
There’s a lot of good information there on how to successfully navigate a relationship with a pwBPD.

Also I’d suggest you watch this short video on ending conflict

I’m going to move your post to the Bettering Board. There you will learn strategies for dealing with difficult behaviors.

[Dungahass]

I wouldn't call my attempts to recover my relationship with my pwBPD traits a sense of obligation, but it is 100% coming from a place of love and acceptance. I would say that the majority of people tell me to leave too, for my own sake. Just recently, my friend's husband was saying "you're not married, or attached to this girl, why they hell are you not walking away? Save yourself". My answer to him, and to all others, has been "whatever happened to in sickness and in health?"

Like others have said, its a personal decision that you must take, since you're the only person who truly knows how you feel. Its good to get external feedback, and to consider things we might not have ourselves. But ultimately, the decision is ours alone, and no one else.

As a side note, I've cut out friends who were overly critical/judgemental of my decision to not walk away from my ex. Ultimately, I don't need the negativity, and whatever "warnings" they give me, I have already considered them and a hundred more myself. People usually mean well, but they often don't spend enough time listening or empathizing. And constantly feeling lectured about life is not something I'm interested in doing any longer. So I either tell them these things straight up, and if they keep up the same attitude, they're out (or at least I stop turning to them to talk about things). Its a boundary I've set, and its worked quite well, as some of those same people have now become cheerleaders.