Seeking Marriage Positivity

[Bases27]

Hi, this is my first post on here. I recently discovered that I grew up with a mom that most likely has BPD and that the man I have been married to for the last 16 years has BPD as well.

Our marriage has been difficult but we are both committed to making it work. My husband has never been verbally or physically abusive, but I do not feel loved and it is especially hard when he has these dark episodes that seem to last for days or even weeks were I feel like he detests me with the way he looks at me and treats me (I often feel like "the bad guy").

I know he is fighting his own battles and we have actually made a lot of good progress. We have both been going to counseling for several months now but I am realizing I could really use some support from people who care and understand what I am experiencing.

I would really appreciate some words of encouragement and any suggestions on how I can help support and help him in his struggles and not take the emotional upheaval so personally.

I would also love to hear some suggestions on how I can communicate constructively with him. It is very difficult having and managing a family and not being able to talk about things that need to be done differently with out it setting him off.

Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bigbear007]

You remind me very much of my wife and our current situation. I have BPD and can relate to what you are saying but from his point of view but also from yours as I am not involved in the relationship.

Especially around not being able to talk about things, or seemingly normal things without him getting triggered. I have this problem and it is very hard for the other person to deal with. My advice would be to try and find ways to get out of the negative mindset first before talking about them.

One thing I would say that helps would be to try and make him laugh, sounds stupid but whenever I am in a mindframe where I can't really talk about things or don't want to, it is normally because I feel pretty empty about everything, not just my wife but literally everything, like there is no point doing anything at all. However, laughing or talking about something funny can sometimes pull me out of this mindset, if you can do this you might be able to get him to bring things up, or make things seem like they are his idea, it can be very draining being with someone with BPD as you constantly feel like you are treading on egg shells, I understand this more now and try to snap myself out of certain moods although it is easier said than done. Possibly just saying are you ok to talk about this at the moment or should be leave it for another time - that way its like he has the control over the situation which although isn't healthy continuously it may help move things in the right direction.

I understand how exhausting it must be as I can wake up one day and be extremely productive and talk about anything and everything, and the next day it is like talking to an empty vessel and I literally feel no emotion at all which must be very hurtful and confusing.

If you want to know anything else from the perspective of someone with BPD then just ask, although we are all a bit different in how we react and think.