For the first time I feel I truly can't help

[Cecee]

Hello, I'm new to this forum and am very grateful to have found it. For the last 12 years I've been a girlfriend then wife to a person who I loved but struggled with. I put it down to our different backgrounds, cultures, upbringing etc. There was always problems but always wonderful times too. We had a lot of therapy over the years initially b/c of his mother (who has been quite destructive in our lives and i subsequently found out had been both emotionally and physically abusive to him) but then b/c we had so many problems of our own. He was self-harming, and then suicidal. One birthday I had to call the police to find him out by the coast and take him from jumping off a cliff, to the emergency psyche ward. Thankfully our children were with my parents. He has also pulled out knives to suggest he would kill himself. I dont know if he would ever go through with it, and I do know that suicide threats happen a lot with sufferers of BPD but of course if you're on the other side of it you never want to call their bluff.
I've read a lot of your posts and I can see I'm not alone in experiencing the never-ending walking on egg shells, can't win no matter what I say, start believing what i'm being told I am, and accusations. I feel like maybe I am the problem as he always says. Well, I think that's what I'm asking... I always used to think it was him with the problems and there is no doubt he would tell me I'd done things that simply weren't true or tell me I was thinking this or that which i wasn't. He'd make utterly false claims (he would say I'm cheating on him, or I took his money) but he would say some things that i couldn't deny and yes, sometimes I didn't say or do the right thing but somehow that would be used to back up all the other things which weren't true. But today, I'm now wondering as things have just got so bad that maybe I am doing actually everything he is saying, maybe I am the one with mental health issues. I honestly dont know I feel completely lost. No one in our lives knows about any of this even my family who I am very close to (we both hold good jobs, have a great life on the outside, happy kids etc - people have no clue). I just want to know - do most people who are in these very involved lives with a BPD sufferer always end up questioning themselves? I accept it could be me - I dont know who to trust anymore, him or myself. Sorry for so much information but I've been dealing with this alone for so many years and I'm finally at the point I can't take it anymore. Appreciate any thoughts.

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[bigbear007]

Hi Cecee,

Said this in a few posts now but people with BPD manipulate people, that is what we do. So yes no one is perfect and I am sure you have your faults as we all do, but you will not be the problem. People with BPD like to place blame when things aren't going their way and they aren't getting what they want. They feel like you exist to satisfy their needs first and foremost, before your own, before children, before anything. I myself have BPD and have manipulated probably everyone I have ever been with - albeit for the most part this was prior to me being diagnosed so I had no rational thought process over how I behave and the things that I did. I assume he is in therapy now or has been for sometime specifically for the BPD?

It sounds like he needs serious help to handle his emotions, quite often BPD exists with other personality disorders, and yes suicide threats should be taken seriously, I think the statistics say that 70% of people with BPD attempt suicide and 10% are successful, which is one of the highest rates for all personality disorders for completed suicides.

If I was you, I would take sometime for yourself, make sure you have a good support network around you, friends, family who are separate from him and find the time to enjoy your life outside of these problems. That is important as BPD people have a habit of sucking the life out of people they are with - a phrase I have had directed at me several times now. But in order to help him and maintain your own mental well being you need to feel happy and ok in yourself. Without knowing more details that would be my first bit of advice.

Other things would be when having smaller more trivial arguments or disagreements, providing it isn't over something really important or something which can be used against you in the future, then possibly going along with it until he starts to improve may make things a little easier, there is however quite a fine line in what you should go along with, if you give an inch in the wrong direction he will without a doubt take a mile.

[Cecee]

Thank you for sharing that. But wow, you sound very much in control and have great self-awareness. My husband isn't in therapy and doesn't believe he has any kind of personality disorder. He had seen a therapist for years and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and was sent to a psychiatrist who said there was nothing wrong (the therapist and I knew he was very good at masking behaviour and appearing completely fine and in control - it was after this he had his main suicidal moment). I saw a therapist and described his behaviour who suggested he may have BPD. After doing my own research (inc. reading Loving Someone with BDP which was very helpful) I can't of course say he does, but he certainly exhibits many of those behaviours (and I feel as many of the loved ones of BPD's do in my reactions/experiences of it all too). I am trying to find help to talk to someone but hearing from those who are in the same situation as I am I think will be almost as helpful - I just want to know if its me. Thank you for your words.

[Thoroughbred]

Hi Cecee,
I'm new here as well, and have found this place to be filled with a lot of caring sincere  people.  I come at this from your side of the equation - living with somebody who has BPD. I'm also older (mid 60s) so I have many years of experience of what techniques don't work (LOL).  My wife has what's referred to as high functioning BPD so while I have some ghastly behavior sent my way, I don't have the drama that you contend with

For me, the single most important step I took where things began to stabilize in my life is when I decided that I a) needed to have a life (not controlled by her nastiness and manipulation b) needed to set boundaries with the nasty behavior that was targeted at me, c) pretty much completely detached from her in every way except for functioning as a roommate, and honoring that commitment made many years ago now.

When you say that you're beginning to wonder about your mental health, I believe that's your wakeup call that yes, your brain and or your soul is telling you that you're approaching a danger point and you need to step back and give yourself some breathing space. One of the books I read -  Stop Walking on Eggshells specifically talked about how people with BPD distort your reality over time. They swear that today isn't Tuesday for so long and so emphatically that after awhile you start to wonder whether today maybe isn't Tuesday. 

I could go on for hours, but the most important thing I did to cope was simply to back off and deny this person access to my inner self that defines who I am. And I have created  other channels and interests separate from her that are healthy mentally and physically.

Welcome to the community and best wishes.

[Cecee]

Thanks Talltom2 for your message. I'm impressed you were able to create that environment and way of living for yourself while staying in the relationship. I can only imagine it took a bit of time and a heck of a lot of confidence. I'm always so nervous to set boundaries and tell him that behaviour isn't acceptable. But I can see from reading your story and the more i've been reading on here, that is my only sustainable option if I plan to stay in the relationship and not become totally depressed or a shell of myself (which is just as bad for the kids).
I will try and sort out first what I think those boundaries and independent activities and pleasures might look like and then work out how to put it in place.
I appreciate the input