I found out what my 15yr Daughter felt about living with bpd mom

[Sluggo]

I feel a little closer to peace.  I moved out a 18 yr marriage with 7 kids. I was beaten down emotionally.  I have been gone since jan 2016.  For 3 years went through court system fighting to get a least 50/50 custody if not full.  I lost.in court and only received minimum guidelines despite a court custody evaluator stating I should have 50/50 and 100 percent if alienation continued... evaluator went on to tell court kids were being emotionally  abused by Mom.  However I lost and was devastated probably due to having 2 kids special needs and court wanting to give that to.Mom.  

6 months ago mom gave up.all rights to kids voluntarily- telling court she only wanted them 30 days in summer.  No holiday, no bdays, etc.

Fast forward 3 months ago  mom filed a CPS charged against me.  All charges unsubstantiated.  

Yesterday I received the testimony to CPS of the 5 kids that live with me.   The kids had positive things to say but my daughter who is 15 really touched my heart.  It was written in CPS report: ' daughter reported that living at Dads house was good.  I do not have to walk on eggshells or feel paranoid like I did before" (aka moms house).  

My kids have not told.me how they felt at Moms.  I know I  felt 100 times better not living in that oppressive environment but to know my daughter felt that better also was such a comfort to know that.  It was a confirmation that I did make a good choice of leaving 4 years ago and fighting for the kids and almost going bankrupt doing so.  

Have any of your kids told you they are glad they are out of the BPD environment?  

Sluggo

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Sluggo-

Arriving at your peace will likely take a good amount of time, especially since even though YOU were physically out of the marriage, your fight and worry for your children continued.   So in effect, your trauma didn’t stop... but it slowed way way down once they came to live with you.

And it’s wonderful that you’re hearing (through the CPS report) of your children’s relief of being in their new home with you.  Truly validating stuff.

Have the kids been able to verbalize directly how they feel, what they experienced?  That’s a tightrope, I know.  You don’t want to FORCE them to talk, but they shouldn’t hide their feelings, either... or try to protect you.  Perhaps therapy will help.  Getting them to share what they can, where you cannot share about the *adult* aspects, because they ARE children and don’t need the burden of soothing your emotions.

Bottom line... your patience and love for your children was worth it.  Rebuild the trust and love and joy within this new shape of your family.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[zachira]

I have enormous respect for you fighting for and getting full custody of your children. You are wondering if other parents have stories to share about their children expressing relief and feeling better about no longer living with a parent with BPD. I was raised by a mother with BPD and I can tell you that a lot of the damage that was done to my self esteem and my life is irreparable. You got your children out of the environment in time, that they will likely do well in life and mostly heal from the experience of living with a mother with BPD. Do you see positive changes in your children in the past 6 months that they have lived with you since their mother gave up all her rights?

[Sluggo]

Gems for eyes
,

Have the kids been able to verbalize directly how they feel, what they experienced? 

No they havent, but I have not asked either.  Perhaps that is why I was at peace when I did read cps report. 

My 2 oldest have been a different story.  They are both in college and oldest stopped speaking or coming over when he turned 18.  I would reach out to him by regular snail mail and text .  Just 6 weeks ago he told me to stop texting him as he did not want to have any relationship at this time.  He said he had to be to pick up the slack when I left.  He said he did not have a childhood and does not remember what it feels like to be happy.   I see that Mom made him the new 'dad' and her new confidant when I left.  He has 0 respect for me and seems to be an extension of exwifes anger.  He acts out her anger of me. 

Daughter in college stopped coming when she was 18.  These oldest 2 were always exwife favorite.  Daughter let mom deciden that I could not come to her quinciera or graduation party.  No wonder my daughter told me that I would never see her children or be invited to her wedding.  She also has a very entitled and outwardly disrespectful demeanor towards me. 

Neither of them ever lived with me post divorce more than a 12 hour period at my house.  So they have not seen Dad be the parent I always wanted to be.  Before I would allow exwife to dictate the amount of time  I spent with them..

Do you see positive changes in your children in the past 6 months that they have lived with you since their mother gave up all her rights?

Absolutely!  My 13yr old was the worst of the youngest 5.  She would not speak to anyone in my family, nor any mutual friends of my ex who still maintained a friendship with me.  She also would not talk to her aunt (her moms sister) because her aunt kept friendship with me also.  Anyone mom hated, my daughter hated as much...  including me.  I put her in therapy with the same therapist that
did custody Eval as soon as I had legal rights in August.  The 13yr old admitted to calling CPS on me...  the one case that just got unsubstantiated.  It was called in after 13yr spent 3 hours with mom . 

If we were at 0 percent in relationship trust before, we are at 75 percent now.