Abandonment

[Minato]

I have been in a relationship with my wife of 12 years who always escalates an argument ( used to be lets get divorced ) to now I need to move out .
My partner is undiagnosed BPD ( my therapist suggested I read “I hate you don’t leave me “ , “stop walking on eggshells “ and pointed me to this web page )  . My partner continues to use this “ I want to move out “ but until now has never actually made any moves ( apart from showing some pictures of apartments ) to do that , always threatening for over 1 year.
I suffer from co-dependency so this has always been my worst fears of abandonment but am becoming more comfortable with us at least taking a time out .
The situation at home with my partners volatility is getting worse .
How do other people with co-dependent fears handle this .
I read the BPD family.com posts ( I guess I try to take the positives ). . If one of the major fears of BPD personalities is abandonment then how do you handle a partner who holds” I will move out “every time they are not happy over you . It used to be lets get divorced but in counseling I found out that’s not what she wanted . Could this be the same .
Any advice

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Minato, and

generally speaking, the divorce threats are something you want to try to nip in the bud...end altogether, ideally.

that wont be easy. it sounds like this has been going on for a long time. it may be your wifes go to when things get over heated.

as a starting point, i might treat it that way. she may just be communicating that her frustration has reached too high a point and communication has broken down.

a time out is certainly more ideal in that case.

have you ever told her how the threats make you feel?

[Minato]

Thank you for your reply , yes I have told her - I always liken it to a sports car , she would go from 0-100 in 5 secs . A minor argument would lead to her immediately saying lets get divorced . When we tried counseling it turned out as you say not at all what she wants .
Now she has moved onto I need my own space , which despite my codependency issues I am going to say finally “lets set a date then and go ahead and move out “
Her other longtime favorite was to tell me someone tried to pick her up . I have told her how this makes me feel but she cant explain why she does it .
There are long term  buried abuse issues which I believe she has never dealt with .
It’s all part of her inability to deal with her emotions .
Another one is telling our kids 10 and 4 when they play up that’s why she doesn’t want to come home .
In these moments there is no rationalizing with her .
All very exhausting