I need help

[wavewatcher]

I finally reached my limit yesterday with my dd25BPD/BP2.

She called me at my work in a panic about a job she accepted (stocking shelves at a grocery store, starts Sunday) saying she couldn't do it she's too anxious without more benzos. She recently started a new anti-anxiety med that can take up to 4 weeks to become effective but after that works well.

I came home and she was tearing up my bedroom, completely dysregulated, hyperventilating, etc. looking for the 1 weeks worth of Ativan that her new P prescribed  to help her get through until the med kicks in but I keep it on his orders. I tried to calm her down, let her know I would give her one but she had to step out. She became more upset and panicky, continued to tear around the room and I said the dreaded P word; police. In the context of if she can't calm down with my help she may need to go to the E.R. I am not in a good place either; its been a really long 3 months since she's been back in our house. But with the help of this site I've been able to cope with her.

She stepped out but was screaming at me about how I triggered her by saying I might call the police, as they were here in January due to her violence on me. I gave her the pill and a cup of water and she threw the water in my face and the cup at me.
I lost it. I screamed "Sometimes I hate you!", which of course triggered all of her abandonment issues. But it was true. Sometimes I hate her. I've not been the same since she hurt me badly in January and the water in my face triggered me again.

Now we are back at square one. Husband and brother are trying to help but H is out of town and bro lives in another state. She immediately texted them and forgot to tell them she threw water in my face. That info came from me.

I know this is her typical BPD behavior but I am so, so tired of accommodating it. Help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

WW,
My first thought was benzo addiction can trigger this frantic behavior. I know you already know this, but I saw similar behavior in my former Xanax addicted son (with no BPD). Do you have any support from Nar-anon? Or al-anon? Both of these could help support you with this piece of puzzle. I’m so sorry for you. Saying you hated her was your response to being scared and on the receiving end of her abuse. You said it to wake her up to STOP. Next time  just say “STOP”!

Maybe when she calms down, you can apologize for saying it.

 Typically when they get off Benzos there are many step downs from in-patient to PHP to IOP then weekly support group and T. I know how difficult it is for them, but your life is equally as important, WW.

[wavewatcher]

Thanks, PM.
I did apologize last night, but she wasn't having it. "You said it and you can never take it back!" was her response. True. I've never said that before.

She is still drug-seeking. Last week she called all the pharmacies looking for any leftover Xanax rx's she could fill. They red-flagged her. She lied about the whole thing saying she called to tell them she wanted to cancel the rx's so she wouldn't be tempted and to make her Dad "proud of her". She is still lying about it, even to her P, saying that they are all lying.  At this point I think she really believes it. Pretty sad.

I've been hesitant to go to NAMI or any other support groups because I feel shame and so many people know me in this small town. Even my own family doesn't know how bad it is.
So I have my best friend and my T to talk and that's it. And BPDFamily, who I'm so grateful for.

[PeaceMom]

WW,
Sounds like very typical behavior for on struggling with substance misuse. (I say that bc these were RX drugs that she was misusing, although the more I learn they are so addicting that’s it’s nearly impossible to not misuse).
I’m in a tiny bubble town right outside a huge City. I drive in 45 minutes to a support group. I did NAMI here locally and was shocked to see 2 long time acquaintances sitting there. They have become my most knowledgeable, safe friends.

I’m also hearing that my church is finally acknowledging MH and addiction issues (after years of pretending) and now have a thriving robust recovery group. I hope you can be brave and seek even more face to face support. Keep sharing.

[wavewatcher]

I read more on Radical Acceptance, which was helpful and hopefully, will help me be more mindful of being in the moment.  My goal is to be better at:

Accepting that my dd is doing the best she can in the moment with this horrible disorder. 

Accepting that I reached my limit with her verbal abuse and physical aggression and said hurtful things because in that moment, I truly hated her behavior then and over the many years of being on the receiving end of it, and lashed out.

Accepting that I, like so many other parents here, ache to have a "normal" daughter that I can have a healthy relationship with, but may never.  However, I can appreciate the moments when it is healthy.

Forgiving her and myself.