I don't know how to move forward...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I need help.
I work with BPD every single day as a psychiatric nurse and in school for my PsyD...but my current situation is killing me.
My boyfriend of almost a year is in the middle of divorcing a beyond toxic BPD female. They have 4 VERY young children and this has created immense pain. When He and I met he was under the impression the divorce was ready and just needed to be signed off. Once she found out about me (still unsure to this day of how) she began throwing up roadblocks left and right until eventually dropping her lawyer (she was the one pursuing the divorce) because it was "no longer what I want". Months of pure hell have ensued. She has lost multiple jobs, moved the kids to 3 different towns, 4 different houses, 3 different schools, and 5 different daycares in roughly 9 months. She has changed the child care schedule (getting a court order to stop this is taking forever) at least 4 times "as is my prerogative as a mother to protect my children". She has sent hostile messages to him and myself alternating with messages of loving him and "wishing I you (me) would let him go so we could be a family again". This is the worst case of highs and lows, instability, interpersonal conflict (she's been kicked out of one daycare and almost a second), exalted praise and complete degradation I have ever seen. I had her blocked on all platforms and informed her coming near my home (she found it without being given the address and showed up around 10p one night) would result in an HRO. The biggest violation came 2 or so months ago when we realized my boyfriend's cell phone, which we though was lost, had ended up in a bag of the children's clothing...and she had it. Reading online messages between him and I. For 2 months. She then made reference to my "mental instability"  and stated "she (me) is about as stable as the patients she works with", bearing in mind this individual had been hospitalized x4 as recently as 6 years ago. Things continued to get toxic beyond measure until I finally decided I needed to swallow my resentment and move forward with compassion. I wrote a letter, apologizing for not taking her perspective of hurt (while I disagreed and find her toxicity to be the cause of her pain, I know BPD needs validation). This was received very well and things actually seemed to turn around. She still made underhanded jabs about my role in my boyfriend's life compared to hers, she wrote a letter back to me "apologizing" for the hurt though somehow found a way to call me an adulterous woman and going on to detail emotional, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse via my boyfriend...none of which substantiated or true. She closed her letter stating she will always love him and her loyalty would first be to God and then to him. I chose not to engage in this and continue moving forward. Things continued to go well and I began to feel hopeful. She then had a meeting with her attorney where they decided a 2 y/o Rule 25 against my significant other warranted immediate loss of overnights (though they had been staying over night with him for over a year) ... she has never expressed concern for his sobriety and the circumstances for the Rule 25 were completely abusive and manipulative on her part. Since this things have gone completely downhill...
I am at a loss. I do not know how to move forward compassionately. I refuse to carry this resentment with me, but it is so hard to swallow her multiple abuses and statements it is our fault or our doing...especially related to the babies...
Any advice is so greatly appreciated.

[hope2heal]

I need help.
I work with BPD every single day as a psychiatric nurse and in school for my PsyD...but my current situation is killing me.
My boyfriend of almost a year is in the middle of divorcing a beyond toxic BPD female. They have 4 VERY young children and this has created immense pain. When He and I met he was under the impression the divorce was ready and just needed to be signed off. Once she found out about me (still unsure to this day of how) she began throwing up roadblocks left and right until eventually dropping her lawyer (she was the one pursuing the divorce) because it was "no longer what I want". Months of pure hell have ensued. She has lost multiple jobs, moved the kids to 3 different towns, 4 different houses, 3 different schools, and 5 different daycares in roughly 9 months. She has changed the child care schedule (getting a court order to stop this is taking forever) at least 4 times "as is my prerogative as a mother to protect my children". She has sent hostile messages to him and myself alternating with messages of loving him and "wishing I you (me) would let him go so we could be a family again". This is the worst case of highs and lows, instability, interpersonal conflict (she's been kicked out of one daycare and almost a second), exalted praise and complete degradation I have ever seen. I had her blocked on all platforms and informed her coming near my home (she found it without being given the address and showed up around 10p one night) would result in an HRO. The biggest violation came 2 or so months ago when we realized my boyfriend's cell phone, which we though was lost, had ended up in a bag of the children's clothing...and she had it. Reading online messages between him and I. For 2 months. She then made reference to my "mental instability"  and stated "she (me) is about as stable as the patients she works with", bearing in mind this individual had been hospitalized x4 as recently as 6 years ago. Things continued to get toxic beyond measure until I finally decided I needed to swallow my resentment and move forward with compassion. I wrote a letter, apologizing for not taking her perspective of hurt (while I disagreed and find her toxicity to be the cause of her pain, I know BPD needs validation). This was received very well and things actually seemed to turn around. She still made underhanded jabs about my role in my boyfriend's life compared to hers, she wrote a letter back to me "apologizing" for the hurt though somehow found a way to call me an adulterous woman and going on to detail emotional, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse via my boyfriend...none of which substantiated or true. She closed her letter stating she will always love him and her loyalty would first be to God and then to him. I chose not to engage in this and continue moving forward. Things continued to go well and I began to feel hopeful. She then had a meeting with her attorney where they decided a 2 y/o Rule 25 against my significant other warranted immediate loss of overnights (though they had been staying over night with him for over a year) ... she has never expressed concern for his sobriety and the circumstances for the Rule 25 were completely abusive and manipulative on her part. Since this things have gone completely downhill...
I am at a loss. I do not know how to move forward compassionately. I refuse to carry this resentment with me, but it is so hard to swallow her multiple abuses and statements it is our fault or our doing...especially related to the babies...
Any advice is so greatly appreciated.

[worriedStepmom]

It's tough being in this little triangle.  The best way is to remove yourself, if possible.

When H and I met, he'd been divorced 2 years.  Still, his ex was the same as your BF's ex - "if only wS was gone, we could be a family again!" (said through the then-4-year-old).  We have been married 7 years now, and ex still sees me as a huge obstacle, and consistently spewed vitriol.  She also used to arrive at our house uninvited when no one would respond to her texts or answer her calls.  I tried for years to pacify her and assure her I wasn't a threat to her, and nothing worked.

The key to stopping the crazymaking?  DISENGAGE.

There's no reason you should have any contact with her.  You aren't married to her children's father.  You don't live with the children (I assume?).  You are none of her business.   It sounds like you already took actions to cut off contact - I would make sure that you are completely no contact with her now.  (It's absolutely okay to make these choices - I will call the police if ex shows up at our home uninvited again, despite the fact that SD12 lives with us.  Ex understands that I am completely serious about this.  )

These actions take you out of the immediate path.  Unfortunately, as someone who loves someone who has to deal with the crazy, you still get residual blowback.  For that, I have a therapist.  It helps me to deal with the gaslighting from ex (when someone tells you enough that you're trying to steal her kid you really start to question your own actions) and the frustration of not being able to fix the situation and stop the lies aimed at H and SD. 

For me, the constant dinging of H's phone was very triggering.  I could always tell by the cadence when it was ex texting, and it spiked my anxiety.  We decided that H would move to a parenting app (we use TalkingParents) for all communication with ex.  He blocked her on his phone.  This means I don't have notice when she's having a meltdown.  It means no one has to look at the app until it's convenient for us (no more being interrupted during dinner).  It also means we have good threaded documentation of the crazy.  Our household is much more peaceful now

Your boyfriend needs to make sure he has a good, assertive lawyer.  It sounds like his ex is not going to be able to provide stability for the children.  It isn't going to be an easy fight, but hopefully the court will see the truth - and the lawyer can move things forward.

He needs to share with the L EVERYTHING that was on his phone, because it's very likely his ex has screenshots.  Anything that could be twisted to be used against him should be disclosed to the L, so that there are no surprises.

[hope2heal]

Thank you <3
We do live together so when she hasn't taken the children they do live with us part time. His phone dinging it INCREDIBLY triggering for me. He blocked her and tried a pay by min phone and email but now has Our Family Wizard, but they can't do phone calls. I've blocked everything. The lawyers all know about the phone, she returned it via her lawyer and a letter was sent stating any info was obtained was through improper means and any use would be deemed intentional harassment. The problem is she sabotages almost every move J makes and it's prolonging the entire process. I feel for her, as a nurse I know why she acts the way she does and how she got to be this person and it breaks my heart. I'm struggling to find a way to just let go of the ick. I don't know how to reconcile that an individual is capable of such heinous things...
My mom was also BPD, oddly they say and do some of the same things, another trigger I've been working on. I'm worried for my relationship with J. The ick seems to be seeping into our relationship and I don't now how to make it stop. She goes so far as to light me up about "over stepping" and follow up with a text (this was previous since she's blocked now) saying she "appreciates my heart for the kids a lot" and  "we love you". She is so ill...
As a professional who LOVES this population, I do not know how to reconcile the evil she puts into the universe...any tips?

[ForeverDad]

It is what it is.  Also, you have to do what you have to do.

I have a friend who went though the same thing I did, only his experience was a year or so before mine.  Any reference to his ex, the destroyed marriage or their child twisted him up emotionally and he relived the pain all over again.  I knew I couldn't handle all that.  So I took the perspective that all of this was too much to shoulder on my own and so I effectively told God to take that burden.  I didn't have to worry about the outcome for the woman who had been my love and best friend.  I was able to swing with the blows and Let Go of so much.

[worriedStepmom]

The problem is she sabotages almost every move J makes and it's prolonging the entire process.

Honestly, in legal matters with a BPD, it's best to be 2 or 3 steps ahead.  We had two years of custody modifications until we finally figured out how to get out of this dance.  Our new agreement has consequences written in - if ex does X, Y, or Z, then she moves to supervised visitation.  That has helped.

If he doesn't know what kinds of things he needs to do/request, there's lots of advice here!

I'm worried for my relationship with J. The ick seems to be seeping into our relationship and I don't now how to make it stop.

What part of the ick is in your relationship?  What types of things are you bickering over?