Engulfment fears

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello!
I'm trying to understand more about engulfment fears. I have a close friend who I highly suspect has BPD traits. He'd always push me away, get cold or distant after we'd spend time together doing fun things. Now it seems he exhibits these behaviors even if I send a positive or motivating text, or express how much I enjoy/miss his company. It upsets me that we don't spend much time together anymore and when I mention this, he remains distant or unresponsive.
I feel like I put pressure on him when I express how important it is for me to spend quality time with close friends. I also feel he feels bad upsetting me and shame when he can't meet my expectations. Maybe that's why he surrounds himself with enablers or people that expect little from him?

If I back off and give him space, his abandonment fears trigger and he desperately tries to get my attention. I see him several times a week because we train at the place. I'm just curious to hear thoughts or experiences from other people. We've been friends for close to a decade but these push-pull cycles didn't become severe or consistent until the past year or so.  I could use some support. Thank you!

[Intrigued04]

Hello!
I'm trying to understand more about engulfment fears. I have a close friend who I highly suspect has BPD traits. He'd always push me away, get cold or distant after we'd spend time together doing fun things. Now it seems he exhibits these behaviors even if I send a positive or motivating text, or express how much I enjoy/miss his company. It upsets me that we don't spend much time together anymore and when I mention this, he remains distant or unresponsive.
I feel like I put pressure on him when I express how important it is for me to spend quality time with close friends. I also feel he feels bad upsetting me and shame when he can't meet my expectations. Maybe that's why he surrounds himself with enablers or people that expect little from him?

If I back off and give him space, his abandonment fears trigger and he desperately tries to get my attention. I see him several times a week because we train at the place. I'm just curious to hear thoughts or experiences from other people. We've been friends for close to a decade but these push-pull cycles didn't become severe or consistent until the past year or so.  I could use some support. Thank you!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[paperinkart]

I totally hear ya!

My partner and I have been doing push-pull for 2+ years ever since we started dating- we just didn’t know about BPD until a few months ago and then it all made sense.

Honestly, I’m in the thick of it right now. I wish I had some advice for you but I can only offer my compassion and understanding! I’m experiencing the same thing and it is very, very frustrating.

Continue to show him you are a safe person that he can be himself around but be prepared to give lots and lots of space. It’s hard but we’re all here for you!

[Intrigued04]

Thank you for your reply! It is comforting to know that you're not the only person  that struggles with these behaviors.

Giving space is easy for me because I have avoidant tendencies also. I understand how important space can be. It's upsetting because I feel like I'm mourning the loss of a close friendship and as time goes on, it seems less likely that same friendship will return. It feels like he's forgotten all of the fun times that we've had. His attempts to make plans with me or even have a conversation to catch up on life is becoming far and few between. It's also hard for me to act like I'm not bothered by it when I see him. I feel like I freeze and don't know what to say and have no desire to engage. It's very tiring.

[2Loyal2Long]

Hi, I’m glad you’re sharing.  It’s very confusing.

Quick question:  Are you all just friends or dating?  This behavior is indicative of someone who’s getting emotionally close and then feeling terrified of losing themself in the relationship.  pwBPD doesn’t have a clearly defined self and feeling suffocated can trigger their need to distance, as if they’ll become lost inside the relationship which feels dangerous.  Then, more distance, more abandonment fear . . . lather, rinse, repeat.

Additional information is helpful.  Hang in there!

[Intrigued04]

We have never dated but we've crossed boundaries many times and I feel like the more frequently that happened, do your update with the more I saw a change in his behavior. I am the most stable and reliable friend in his life. I also but eventually don't abuse him nor do I provide a toxic friendship a relationship like many other individuals in his life. I feel like what I have to offer him is so foreign to what he's used to and he's scared of it.
What I mean by that is I always validate him, I have never cursed at him or made any derogatory or hurtful remarks even if we have argued. I am very motivating and I always welcome him to be who he is. Women that he dates are very toxic, needy, self-sacrificing, and desperate for attention to the point where they do not give space, they treat him horribly and he allows that. I know he's just repeating his childhood environment.
I guess I'm a little lost because this progressed very quickly, almost like a switch was flipped. I know I shouldn't expend energy trying to figure out why because we operate in two extremes