Feeling “”addicted” to my bpd ex girlfriend

[Jeremiad]

Hi all,

This is my first post and glad to be here. I’m attempting to move on from a just ended relationship w my bpd ex. As I know is common,, when we were good, we were oh so good. She made me feel better than anyone ever has.  After the first 2 months with her,  I thought I had found my future wife.  But when we were bad, I consistently felt like the lowest form of irredeemable scum. Bc I was coming off a divorce when we met, I was intensely vulnerable to the criticism/drama she dished out on a regular basis. It’s only been with the help of my therapist, my best friend (also a therapist) and the book Stop Wslking on Eggshells that I’ve able to extricate myself and recognize that I’m a big part of the problem. She was an utterly intoxicating but also toxic presence in my life.  Feel like I’m beginning to move on but it’s going to be a long journey. Thanks for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Dungahass]

I'll take this opportunity to welcome you to the boards, as others have welcomed me over the last couple months. You're amongst friends who have gone through some of the hardships you have. I've simultaneously felt like a king as well as a horrible scumbag boyfriend while being with my ex.

The feeling of addiction is one I have for my ex. Like a drug, I know she's been bad for me in many ways, yet I've continuously been drawn to her, and felt the heart-shattering withdrawal symptoms when she left. I've never felt this way about another person before, and so I'm not entirely sure what its about, so for now, I just stop trying to figure out "what's wrong" with my feelings, and instead I just accept that I truly love her.

[Rev]

Let me also say welcome to the boards...

Ah …. that addiction feeling... know it so, so well...

What do you find is working for you so far?

Rev

[cosmical]

Can relate 100%. Been broken up with my BPD ex for 2 weeks and I can't stop thinking about her.

May I ask the circumstances of the breakup? No worries if you don't want to share.

[Jeremiad]

You asked for it you got it. The circumstances were I think pretty common for BPD. She was convinced I wasn’t willing to sufficiently “prioritize” her in our relationship. Despite the fact that aside from my 2 kids from a previous marriage, she was pretty much everything to me. Here’s where it gets beyond messed up and why I hurt more now, a month after our breakup, than I ever did during our relationship.

Trigger warning this is super intense. She wants to be “friends” post breakup even though I can’t even maintain my composure in her presence. I’m wildly attracted to her. Whenever I see her I just ache all over to hold her and love her and she’s well aware of that. Last Monday she called me saying she could really use a friend bc she’d had a terrible wknd. Against all my better instincts I said I was willing to listen. She tells me she met some guy, they’re at his place having sex when he begins to choke her. Given her past history of trauma, she freaks out and removes his hands. At this point, the guy flips her over and because she wanted to really excite him so he’d finish quickly, allowing her to get away, she tells him to put it in her ass.  she found it necessary to add that the guy was big and his equipment was larger than mine, enough to cause her great physical pain for the next few days. I was in absolute shock, couldn’t speak, felt like throwing up. She then asks if I can come over to give her a hug for support because she was so traumatized.  Was I totally devastated for her?  Yes.  Did I also feel bitterly jealous, used, humiliated, and have a sense that inviting an aggressive stranger into her ass (under duress or no) AND TELLING ME ALL ABOUT IT while I’m crying like a 2 yr old was like horribly desecrating  a relationship I cherished?  Uh, yeah.

So I said that although I felt awful for her about what happened, for my own sanity I had to stay away. She launched into how I only think about myself and tells me she never wants to speak to me again. Like clockwork, just  3 days later she’s texting me that she thinks she can see her way to forgiveness. So I’ve finally taken the big step, which is I’ve asked her never to contact me again.  I hope she respects my wishes, though I’m scared I haven’t seen the last of her.

[alittleawkward]

Hi Jeremiad, welcome to the family.

Just a couple questions for you - How long were you two together, and how long has it been since the proper split? What were the circumstances that led to the relationship actually being ended?

It's good you're so aware of the situation, some people have come to these forums months after the trauma of similar circumstances without any explanation.

I should also add I completely understand and sympathise with your situation. It's been over 7 months since I split with my ex but since the split I had monthly texts telling me how awful I am, texts telling me I'm the best my ex would ever do, I've had days out ruined knowing their presence was near by and I've been on nights out with my friends where she magically turned up with her 'psychopathic ex', and have had to watch them grope each other just metres from me - despite all the attacks and displays, when she texts me I still bow down to become the non-malicious person I was, and realistically want to be, despite my instincts and desires to explode at her.

It's a tricky road, and I'm still trying to navigate it and work out where I am, but it does get a lot easier.

[Butane]

Being given minute details like that is so very inappropriate, signifying  two people with a lack of boundaries.

On her end, she feels it's OK to tell all to you (I've been on the receiving end of similar details numerous times, causing me intense emotional pain) and you, on your end, listened.

Please stay away from this woman! Take the time to allow your emotional intensity to settle, take active steps to reduce your own distress. You will start to feel like a normal person again once you get over the "craving for your drug".

[Rev]

Please stay away from this woman! Take the time to allow your emotional intensity to settle, take active steps to reduce your own distress. You will start to feel like a normal person again once you get over the "craving for your drug".

My mentor - herself a recovering addict - 30 + years clean - always tells me - "Rev. You can't have just a little bit of heroin."

[Jeremiad]

Thanks for the responses all. Alittleawkward we’re about a month out from the official split but we’ve been on again off again many times over the course of our 1.5 yrs total relationship. Cannot imagine having to watch your ex be intimate with someone right in front of you.  That sounds like pure torture.  The weird thing is, and it’s just as you describe, I can’t even be angry with her. In her presence I was more empathic, more communicative, more forgiving than I’ve ever been with anyone in my life. She is a high functioning bpd so doesn’t appear “crazy”. Everyone thinks she’s lovely, and she is...until she isn’t.  I’m very concerned for her safety at the moment. She mentioned that she went out the very next night after she was assaulted with some other stranger she met on the internet.  I obviously can’t prove this but I suspect there may be some sort of comfort for her in experiencing or courting danger.  I know for my recovery I have to let go of wanting to save her but it’s so freaking hard.

[Mr. Mosin]

Been there, twice. I am a Therapist/ Psychologist. Because of my first ex in college, who just became flaming mean to me, like I was the worst person on the Earth.  This ex, who I might add, came back after two years- was loving and kind, and even when she broke up with me, it was a huge misunderstanding, during a very tense time for her. (The story is in my threat).  But she got hurt and broke up with me, and she was so sad and hurt. She would not hear the truth. Its been seven months since she moved away (she wanted me with her too). It does hurt.  I think she as MDD not BPD. MDD can come off looking like quite a few things. She had major trust issues too- it was valid she was mentally abused by her stupid mother for years, and her mother was a Nac big time, and her father who she ran to, is a con-man, who has paranoia issues and self grander images... not a good mix.

[Mr. Mosin]

Thanks for the responses all. Alittleawkward we’re about a month out from the official split but we’ve been on again off again many times over the course of our 1.5 yrs total relationship. Cannot imagine having to watch your ex be intimate with someone right in front of you.  That sounds like pure torture.  The weird thing is, and it’s just as you describe, I can’t even be angry with her. In her presence I was more empathic, more communicative, more forgiving than I’ve ever been with anyone in my life. She is a high functioning bpd so doesn’t appear “crazy”. Everyone thinks she’s lovely, and she is...until she isn’t.  I’m very concerned for her safety at the moment. She mentioned that she went out the very next night after she was assaulted with some other stranger she met on the internet.  I obviously can’t prove this but I suspect there may be some sort of comfort for her in experiencing or courting danger.  I know for my recovery I have to let go of wanting to save her but it’s so freaking hard.

OH DEAR GOD... That was my ex in college.  She broke up with me, having sex with another guy on the phone! She made up things that never happed for her to be mad at me, and in the end, ruined my image at school saying I had raped her... almost got me kicked out of school- over lies.

[CryWolf]

what youre going through is tough. you are fighting your thoughts and your heart. the highs were high and the lows were low. this triggers the craving aspect that drug users also feel. You are in the low phase and just want a hit of the high again.

Time heals all wounds. Its cliche, but it took me almost 3 years to get over my relationship. i had to deal with her at uni while she was tarnishing my name to her friends and her friends stalk me.

 I was a huge mess before and ruminated and obsessed over my ex. please find a great support system of friends and talk it out to them. i had to talk my friends ears off about the situation but it helped me. please dont refer to drugs/alcohal as it easy to fall down that route.

[alittleawkward]

The weird thing is, and it’s just as you describe, I can’t even be angry with her. In her presence I was more empathic, more communicative, more forgiving than I’ve ever been with anyone in my life. She is a high functioning bpd so doesn’t appear “crazy”. Everyone thinks she’s lovely, and she is...until she isn’t.  I’m very concerned for her safety at the moment. She mentioned that she went out the very next night after she was assaulted with some other stranger she met on the internet.  I obviously can’t prove this but I suspect there may be some sort of comfort for her in experiencing or courting danger.  I know for my recovery I have to let go of wanting to save her but it’s so freaking hard.

I think the tricky part about some BPD personalities is sieving through whats lies and whats not. A lot of the time it would be attention grabbing, or twisting stories to be able to relate better to certain parties of people. Other times it's to manipulate your emotions to feel more attached to them, to protect them better. My ex spent the first 3 months of our relationship down the phone to me begging for me to support her out of suicidal thoughts, so I felt like the only one who could stop her killing herself. She'd then start saying factually incorrect things about my friends and passions, degrading me down further, until she took her hate comments online, where I finally had enough. I'm honestly not sure if she has even been diagnosed with BPD at this point, due to the extent of her lying (throughout our entire relationship she was telling me she was going to get a restraining order on the very same ex she got back with 3 weeks after our split, and danced with on that night out), but her traits match up pretty well.

Just be wary that your ex may be creating scenarios where she will be trying to make you feel like you need to protect & go back to her. The break up will be really difficult, don't get me wrong, but once you get over the hump you realise just how messed up the extent of your relationship was. Don't let your naturally nurturing and well-meant character lead you back down that bumpy path. It's extra tricky when they're high functioning because people won't be interested in, or even believe your side of the story - you just gotta maintain your dignity and see what happens. Be rational. Think how it looks from the outside. Ask your friends for advice. if you can find a way to get therapy, it'll help you process things and box them up properly. Time is the greatest healer and even though it will take quite some time, you'll be thankful for focusing yourself on you rather than the emotional and physical drain that BPD can be.

[once removed]

people with bpd traits, notoriously have bad boundaries...not just in a relationship, but after it.

she wants to be friends because a lot of people have difficulty with breakups, and at the very least, want to be on good terms. shes no exception.

she may not have the best idea of what that normally looks like, two ex lovers transitioning to exes. ordinarily, no matter how warm and friendly, its a pretty distant relationship. im friends with an ex myself, we were friends before we ever got together, and our relationship today looks nothing like what it ever did.

so shes seeking you out as a confidant, which is mighty hurtful to you, and, frankly, not appropriate. thats what it means to her to be friends, to maintain that connection, but it wasnt wrong of you to say whoa, hey, this is outside of what im willing to do or be.

its been about a week. any update?

[Rev]

This of course was very hurtful to me, and had me spending many nights wondering what in the world was going on. I felt like I was being strung along, and when I asked about why she'd go days without replying to me she'd say she's 'busy'.

I believe that's what she was doing to me, and the more I think about it the more angry I get. It's been painful, I've lost many nights sleep over it.

Yes... me too in the first few weeks. I started smoking again and ran up hundreds and hundreds of miles on my car driving aimlessly. Until one day, it just stopped. I stopped smoking and I stopped driving. It just happened because I ran out of anger.

But the anger, I kept me from going back too soon. Lord knows she tried to charm me more than once.   It sounds as if you are getting over a hump. There will be others, but with each one you cross the less chance of black sliding.  Just tell yourself that.

So sorry that this has to suck so much, because it really does suck. 

Hang in there bud.   You're not just gonna make it, you are going to shine.

Rev

[DisheartenedGuy]

I share that 'addicted' feeling every day. I can't get enough of her. It almost has become an obsession. Constantly wanting her to give me the kind of love I give to her. It never happens, so I try harder and harder. It's an expensive and emotionally draining addiction, with very few highs, and countless lows. Yet I think, "This girl is great, give me more." When we have good sex, it keeps me just happy enough that I never leave.