New to site. New to BPD. My husband was just diagnosed

[ChaosPixie]

Hello! I am a wife to a veteran who has struggled with PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression. I have 2 kids and we just got married in July of last year. He has been struggling more and more and I suggested he go to the VA near us for more help with his depression and such and ended up being diagnosed with BPD. I am here to learn more about it and to learn how to deal with some of the issues that come up. I can't wait to learn more. I'm anxious to be on this journey with him.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Welcome ChaosPixie! You’ve come to the right place!

We have a wealth of information here: articles, workshops, book recommendations and this forum, which is full of stories and support. I hope you’ll take time to dig in. It can get a little overwhelming so feel free to ask questions and we’ll try to answer.

When you feel like it, please share a little more. For instance, what sorts of issues and problem behaviors cause you the most difficulty in your marriage? Knowing details can help us point you to tools and skills that may be most useful to you.

Again, welcome!

[ChaosPixie]

My husband is the most loving and casting person I have ever met... Usually... Lately though, he has been flying into fits of rage over seemingly meaningless things (the kids are walking loudly, they let the dog in and she had muddy paws, the garbage is full and no one said anything). He also lies to me about stupid stuff. He says it is because he doesn't want me to get mad, but I honestly think out is just the first thing he thinks of. He hasn't told me a ton of things about his past, which I don't push, but it seems strange. He will tell anyone else, even strangers, but not me. He says that it is because he doesn't want me to say that's too much and leave. He is always afraid I will leave even though I have tried to make it super clear I'm not going anywhere. He pushes me so hard away it seems like he wants to leave, but he wants me to make the choice. And when I tell him that he gets mad and says anyone important to him has left him. I struggle with depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD, and sensory processing myself, so it adds an additional layer to our relationship. My mental state has been relatively under control, but when my husband flairs up, it sends my brain into overload and doesn't help the situation.

[Ozzie101]

I understand about going into overload. When my H rages, my brain tends to panic. Lately I’ve gotten a lot better about that, though.

What you’re describing sounds like classic fear of abandonment — so, so common with BPD. Often the pwBPD will push loved ones away in fear they’ll be abandoned. Seems counterintuitive but it’s the old “I’ll leave her before she leaves me” strategy. Have you read much about BOD? We’ve got a lot of info and book recommendations. Stop Walking on Eggshells was a huge help to me.

Are you or your husband in individual therapy? I ask because that can also be a huge help. PwBPD are often resistant to it, but us Nons can really benefit as well.

[ChaosPixie]

He has been in a semi inpatient/outpatient treatment place with group and individual therapy for almost 2 weeks and he was just told on Friday he has BPD. I went to the library and picked up tbe book Stop walking on Eggshells and another I cant remember the name right now. He will be doing DBT as soon as he finishes the 3 week program he is in right now.

[ChaosPixie]

I have read the information the dr sent him home with and that's about it so far. He comes home on the weekends so we spent most of our time since finding out just spending time together. But I plan on spending the next week or so reading a lot.

[Ozzie101]

That’s good that he’s getting therapy and that you’re doing research. Honestly, the more you know, the better you’ll be able to handle things in an effective way.

That’s one way this site is so valuable. We’re able to share problems, brainstorm, discuss personal experiences and just all-around help each other as we try to figure things out.

How does he seem to be handling things now that he has a diagnosis?

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi CP-

Welcome to the family-

I’m very sorry for the pain and confusion that brings you here, but very glad that you’ve found this site.  As Ozzie shared, there are a ton of resources here to help you with your marriage.

A few things that I’d like to share with you:

1). PwBPD (people with BPD) think in VERY black and white terms.  All good or all BAD.  Pretty much no “grey” areas to their thought processes.  This can mean if you ask a very simple question... “have you fed the dog?” for instance, and he has not (but he was supposed to)... he potentially can ERUPT into a RAGE.  Why?  Because that little question, that “catching” him making a “mistake” means to him that he’s a BAD BAD BAD and worthless person.  See?  Black and white thinking.  He will FEEL worthless in that mistake...

Which leads me to point number 2...

2) To pwBPD, FEELINGS = FACTS.  So if they’re feeling a certain way, worthless for instance, they will alter the facts as they see them (lie) to match their feelings in the MOMENT.  They will alter their narrative to match their feelings.

Once you learn the communication tools, you’ll likely be able to gently stop your H in his tracks before his RAGE begins.  You’ll be able to point out that a simple little forgetfulness does NOT make him unloveable or bad.  It makes him as human as you or his best buddy.

And CP, since you suffer from PTSD (I do, too) - you may also experience a bit of the black and white thinking yourself.  So understanding and absorbing these concepts will serve you very well.  You probably don’t do the lying, but in your head you may “jump to conclusions” and do some silent  “self-punishing” here and there before you settle yourself.  Maybe?

3). Please Understand that you cannot “fix” him and you cannot love him to wellness.  I’m glad he’s playing an active role in his therapy; and I’m hoping that your FIRST boundary will be that he CONTINUE with that therapy. 

4) You ONLY control you, Your self-care is vital.  Be good to yourself, your health (mental and physical) and your children.  Keep your family and friends in your life.

How old are your children?  What do they understand about their stepdad?

Please stay with us.  There is help.  Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[ChaosPixie]

@gemsforeyes

"means to him that he’s a BAD BAD BAD and worthless person.  See?  Black and white thinking.  He will FEEL worthless in that mistake..."

This is exactly how it happens!

"in your head you may “jump to conclusions” and do some silent  “self-punishing” here and there before you settle yourself."

I do this sometimes, it is something I struggle with and am working on.

"you cannot “fix” him and you cannot love him to wellness"

I absolutely understand this. There is nothing that I can do except try to understand and help him learn how he can manage and we can manage together. I have said that "if" we are going to make it work (not that I think we won't, just making sure he knows where I stand I guess?) he has to commit to bettering himself, not for me, not for our family, but for him and his health.

My family and friends are SUPER important to me and they are my rock, and the only reason I have come as far as I have in my development and growth if that makes sense.

"How old are your children" My son is 7 and my daughter is 5. They know a lot about sensory processing because it is what they (and myself) have, so we talked about it like that. We did food school and OT for that and they understand that it isn't something that they did to make them who they are, and that there isn't anything they can do to change it, there ARE things they can do to help them make their lives easier. They know that they needed doctors to help figure out what their brains needed to help them be the best they can be, and they know that is what daddy is doing now, (they call their "real dad" and their "step-dad" dad/daddy, they know both very well but don't call my husband 'step') he is going to the doctors to learn how to help his brain so that he can be healthy and be the best he can be. They know that sometimes we all have tough days and good days, and that is ok, as long as we work through them as a family. I know it seems like a TON for kiddos their age to understand, but how brains work is part of their reality and they just kind of get it. I have been honest with them since my son's diagnosis over 4 years ago and answer questions they have as best as I can.

[ChaosPixie]

How does he seem to be handling things now that he has a diagnosis?

He is still processing I think? I don't think he fully gets it, neither do I honestly. I understand the "how" more because my brain works that way I guess? I went to school for ECE and focused in child development and have done a TON of extra classes that deal with childhood trauma and how kids development is affected by that so it makes a lot of sense to me. It was a huge Ah ha moment for me honestly. I didn't know that BPD was a thing, but once they told him about it I was like THAT IS IT, and I want to learn as much as I can to understand and figure out how to be the best wife I can, not to "fix him" or "cure him" but so we can rock being a family!

[ChaosPixie]

I feel like we take one step forward and 2 steps back... Struggling hard today.

[Ozzie101]

What happened today?

[ChaosPixie]

He has been in a program for 2 out of 3 weeks. It is for all kinds of psychiatric care and substance abuse. They do UA tests weekly and this week the test for marijuana came back higher instead of lower so they kicked him out of three housing part of the program. He can still commute, but it costs a lot in gas, especially with him not working right now. So he flew off the handle and said if he can't stay on campus then he can't go and essentially dropped out of the program. I called and talked to the coordinator and they are letting him come back, and we are both going in to talk to them tomorrow.

[Ozzie101]

I’m so sorry. That sort of self-sabotage isn’t uncommon — not just with BPD but with other problems as well (like substance abuse). It can be so frustrating and stressful to be the person on the “outside.” Believe me, I know. My H’s primary stressor right now is work. Yet, he deliberately does things that I know will just make his situation more difficult.

I hope things go well today. Please keep us posted! 

[ChaosPixie]

Today H committed to continue the classes/treatment until he is finished (next Wednesday) and then we will meet with the social worker from the VA to figure out tbe next steps for him. At this time he is thinking of going back to school and use his GI benefits while he is doing the DBT program through the VA. But he agreed that for the next week his only job is to commit to finishing the program and coming home and spending time with our family.

[Ozzie101]

That sounds good. How are you feeling?