Feeling heartbroken , lost and bewildered

[Saasy]

Hello my name is Saasy and I’m new to this site . I recently had decided to have a trial separation from my husband who I have been married to for nearly 4 years . My husband is definitely on the spectrum and it’s thought that he may have BPD .  I have been reading “ stop walking on eggshells “ and can relate to may of the chapters.

My husband blames be often for our relationship difficulties and particularly in the last year my self esteem , confidence has taken a huge spiral to the point that I was suffering from panic attacks . Whilst I suffer from my own anxiety disorder he has worn me down with suggesting it’s me that has all the issues and doesn’t take any responsibility for his contribution to the demise of our relationship.
I guess I am joining this support group for just that , support .
We have been apart now for approx 3 weeks but still chat on the phone and see each other at the moment one day on the weekend .
I love him dearly and very sad and empty , the new routines around the house feel strange without his presence .

My hubby is a great , kind and generous guy . He fits the invisible BPD disorder but lashes with emotional abuse and statements that really hurt me . He lacks empathy so it makes it even more upsetting to hear his rude and offensive remarks at times  . He says it’s me that has the issues and that I need to “ tone down” my personality . After over a year of these kinds of remarks and put downs every so often I feel I have lost myself and who I am and it recently came to a head.

I am truely looking for some kind of miracle to help him understand that it takes two willing people and commitment and that  couples can be different with our personalities but together and love we can make it work . In his mind he only can see light at the end of the tunnel by leaving .  He had had over a year of seeing a psychologist but has told a one sided version and has been encouraged to leave .

I have not seen in the year any strategies or willingness to work on assisting our marriage . It has been a year of paid venting without any solutions . I don’t believe his psychologist is equipped to understand or deal with his BPD. Therefore unfortunately my hubby has gained  support to build his army of defence against me . This has resulted in resentfulness on my part as we haven’t been able to get the right support with a marriage counsellor who understands the disorder and how to help couples .
Anyway I now find myself starting over and hope my hubby will see that he is walking away from his biggest supporter which is me . I am going through all the motions of sadness, heartbreak, anger , resentment .
Just need some support and if anyone knows of an excellent psychologist specialising in BPD in Melbourne who can assist in marriage counselling   I’d be very grateful for the details .
Thank you support group in advance

Saasy

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AbuNassif]

First of all - here's a virtual hug!

Heartbreak pain is so overwhelming. I'm on anti-depressants, but the pain is still very hard. It's ok, everything you're going through is normal, and survivable. I promise.

I'm taking this transition time of separation to work on myself, to learn about my "core values" for instance, or to pray, or set a new routine. Focus on yourself and what you have to do. Get inner strength - you can develop that you know, just like muscular strength - find a way for yourself to do that. Don't let the pain win.

[Ozzie101]

Sassy, I’d like to join AbuNassif in saying welcome to the family!  

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It’s so painful to be rejected by those we love. While my H hasn’t left, I, too have been accused of not being supportive, etc. And I suspect he’s been listening to people who don’t know the real story saying things that just feed the unhealthy dynamic.

Therapy can be a great thing. But BPD is difficult and if you get someone who doesn’t “get it”...

Unfortunately, if your H doesn’t want to work on it, there’s not much you can do to change his mind. But, there are tools you can use and things you can do that may either lay the path for a reconciliation (not a guarantee — if he’s set on leaving, there’s not much you can do) or make you stronger for whatever lies ahead.

So, when you meet up or talk on the phone, how does that usually go?