So much pain

[zoe21]

After seven years with my partner (5 living together), I have come to the conclusion in just the past 3 days that he has BPD. He is a sober alcoholic for 10 years and we have a blended family (I have two teenage stepchildren) so there have always been challenges. I've taken responsibility for trying to figure out my part by doing individual counseling, couples counseling, Al-anon, anti-depressants, Step-mom group, but nothing is ever good enough. I've forgiven the rages, name-calling, throwing things, constant blame for so long. Nothing is right and it's always my fault. The cycle is:
1) Fly into a rage over something that seems very small
2) Ignore me for 2-5 days
3) Turn back into the kind, gentle, gracious man I recognize and love for a few weeks
4) Start the cycle again

I can't do this anymore and I'm so, so sad to have to face this reality.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Welcome to the family, zoe21! I’m so sorry for what brings you here but I’m glad you’ve found us. We’re a supportive group and we get what you’re going through.

It sounds like you’ve put a lot of effort into improving your relationship. You’re to be commended. But it is a sobering thing to realize that even our best is sometimes not enough. Believe me, I’ve been there (and in some ways still am). I’ve dealt with the rage, the blame. Thankfully my H has gotten the throwing things under control.

Do you feel physically safe?

Perhaps when you feel like it, you could describe a recent rage incident. Details help us get a clearer picture from which we may be able to give you some specific advice.

Keep reading. Keep posting. We’re here to help!

[zoe21]

Thank you, Ozzie101. I'm feeling both grateful to have found this site and overwhelmed by the amount of info. to sort through.

There have been so many little things that my partner has raged about in the past six weeks. I've tried to track when he rages and how long he spends silently ignoring me but there have been too many to count recently.

Here are some examples:
I come home from a week-long work trip out of state and he suggests that we have dinner as a family and then movie night. Great! We call the kids home and while we're eating, he starts yelling at our 12 year old about how sick and tired he is of watching her eat with her hands. We all go silent. He leaves the table and goes downstairs. When I check in with him later about having our family movie night he yells at me, "Just because you came home early to spend time with the kids doesn't mean I need to do that too!" Okay, but wasn't it your idea to spend the evening together as a family? I leave him and turn on some music and play board games with the 12 year old. He marches upstairs and starts screaming at her about tapping her hands on the coffee table where we're playing the game. He claims that he can hear it all the way downstairs and doesn't want to put up with her noise. I offer other spaces in the house where it might be more quiet which only causes more yelling about his right to be wherever he wants to be in his own house. The kids leave for their bio-mom's the next morning and he doesn't talk to me for three days.

Last week, he asked me to go out for dinner to spend some time together. At dinner he told me that he didn't want to renew our lease which is coming due in June. He doesn't think we're compatible because I ask too many questions about the kids and need too much time to think through the logistics of making a decision for them. This is from a recent conversation about ultimate frisbee for our 12 year old where I asked where the games would be held and which days practices were on. I said something about our different needs as parents given our work schedules and having different values regarding time and money." He starts yelling at me in the restaurant:
"So my values are bad? You think you're so much better than me? You're a control freak! -- needing all of this information because you want to control all of us! This is f-ing ridiculous!"

There have been times when I haven't felt safe. He busted the window on the driver's side of my car while I was sitting in the driver's seat because we went to a movie while he was worried about leaving the kids home alone (they were 11 and 14 at the time). He has thrown objects across the room, punched holes in doors and walls, screamed at me, called me names, followed me around the house yelling at me until I learned how to close the door on him.

I've stayed because I love him and the kids. I stay because eventually he turns back into the loving, funny, generous, kind, thoughtful man I know and love. I've stayed because I worry about the kids. And now I don't know if I can stay anymore.

[Ozzie101]

I’m so sorry, zoe21. Your story is a familiar one, unfortunately. BPD is a bewildering disorder that often requires learning what feels like a second language. Have you read much about the basics of the disorder (fear of abandonment, deep sense of shame)?

Articles on validation and listening with empathy, which you’ll find linked at the top of the page under Tools, have been very helpful to me.

Your description of your H’s rages does make me feel concerned. Have you ever spoken to a domestic violence agency or counselor? I ask because my H was showing many of the same behaviors as yours and members here urged me to reach out to a DV agency. I was shocked but I did it and was so glad I did. I’ve found a lot of practical and emotional help through counseling sessions while also coming to realize that what was happening was abuse. While I’ve never had to use my Safety Plan, I’m relieved I have one now. Here’s our pdf:
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

I say that not to alarm you but to give you a little advice that really helped me.

[zoe21]

Thank you for the suggestions and the link to the Safety Plan, Ozzie101. I spoke with the police about DV a year ago when he smashed my car window. I have to give him credit for figuring out ways to manage his anger more productively over the past 5 years, but he does seem to be going back to old patterns recently and relying heavily on completely detaching with silence for days at a time. This feels like a different kind of power move.

[Turkish]

Have you thought about calling a local DV hotline for support? You can do that anonymously, and it would be helpful to speak to a live voice. 

If I'm reading this correctly, these are your step kids, yes? Is their mother aware of this, and how is your relationship with her? I realize that involving her can involve unhealthy triangulation, yet I can't think that a 12 year old wouldn't say things. 

Do you think the past involvement by the police was what resulted in he trying to behave better?

[zoe21]

Hi Turkish. I appreciate your idea about calling the hotline. I haven't done that yet. I think I'm embarrassed about finding myself in this situation and so tired of trying yet one more thing.

The bio mom of my step kids (yes, you're right about that)    is not someone I trust to care for the kids. They are with her 3 days/week and I view her more like a babysitter than a parent. She was married to my partner when he was still drinking and likely saw more extreme behaviors than I do now. I don't know. She's aware that the kids talk about "mean dad" and "nice dad" in regards to his mood swings. I guess I'm not yet convinced that sharing my concerns with her would be of any benefit.

I know that my partner has worked really hard to change his behaviors over the past 5 years. I see evidence of this. The problem now is that he's gone from raging to complete silence that sometimes lasts up to 4-5 days. He claims that since he can't yell anymore, then this is what he needs to do, as if this ways of acting is also my fault. I know that it's not but it's really painful to live with someone who doesn't speak to me. What's the point of being here if he's not present?

[Turkish]

It does indeed sound like bio mom wouldn't be a support.  

There have been times when I haven't felt safe. He busted the window on the driver's side of my car while I was sitting in the driver's seat because we went to a movie while he was worried about leaving the kids home alone (they were 11 and 14 at the time). He has thrown objects across the room, punched holes in doors and walls, screamed at me, called me names, followed me around the house yelling at me until I learned how to close the door on him.

How long ago was this?

Also, have you seen the communication tools in lesson 3 at the top of the board? The most basic one is SET (Support, Empathy, Truth).

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

See also the link to the discussion at the end.  

I never had walls punched, but things were broken and thrown (thankfully when I wasn't in the room). At those points, the last thing I wanted to do was talk to her.  SET and that validation tools are better before things escalate. If they do escalate, it's good to have a safety plan in place as Ozzie101 posted.

I do encourage you to call that hotline (the YWCA is good for women). The lines are staffed with people who understand what you're feeling.    

[Ozzie101]

I understand how you feel — tired, embarrassed. I, too, felt embarrassed about my situation. Heck, I’d written about DV before, yet here I was experiencing it?

So I get it. But I made the call anyway and I was so glad I did because the counselor I talked to was not only a huge help, she also made me feel more confident and less ashamed.