At my wits end

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 21 year old daughter was diagnosed a couple of years ago (after years of mental health problems and being sectioned many times) but won't engage in therapy. She does have a CPN who is regularly off sick so there is no consistency in her care.

Three overdoses in the last week have left us feeling hopeless. Although they all needed treatment I don't think they were a real attempt to take her own life (although I may be wrong and of course I have not said this to her) as there was medication available in the house that would have been fatal without any doubt. Until recently my daughter has always pushed me away and whilst it hurts, I have come to accept this is part of her disorder and tried not to take it to heart. Over the last few weeks she has started to become more open with me and our relationship started to get back on track. She recently returned from Uni where she was asked to leave her course in the first year due to her mental health issues. She seemed relieved to be home and it was nice to have her back, especially as the place she was living was unsuitable accommodation for a young girl - dirty shared spaces, the house was shared with grown men, armed police in attendance, cannabis smoking taking place, loud arguments etc. I had been saying for a long time she would be welcome home however now that she is we are finding it a real strain. It doesn't seem to be making it any better for her and the last week has illustrated this. She works sporadically as she is registered with a Care agency so can pick up shifts as and when. She says she is not well enough to work but also says she is bored at home. Today I took her out to buy her some jigsaws and she called at the shop for a bottle of wine, which I thought she intended opening tonight however she poured herself a glass at 2pm. I have recently been worried about her binge drinking and I told her I was not happy about her drinking in the daytime, pointing out that this is not something we do in our household. I explained that not only was I concerned that it would affect her mental health, I was also not happy that it was an acceptable thing to do in general - I told her that it was not personal as I would have the same conversation with my husband if he started drinking in the middle of the day. I was accused of treating her like a child and she retreated to her bedroom. I now I feel like we are back to square one. I just don't know what to do anymore. There are no local support groups. My husband (her step-dad) got sent home from work last week in tears as he feels so down about the situation - he adores my daughter. He regularly sees me in tears and this is just putting a huge strain on everyone. We know that the behaviour towards us shouldnt be taken personally but it's hard not to. My daughter has always been such a loving kind girl (and still is) and we know that when she has been horrid to us it makes her feel even worse - it's a vicious circle.

I have booked a spa/golf weekend away this weekend for my husbands 50th birthday and we are just not looking forward to it as we don't know what will happen while we are away (My birthday was last week and she took one of her overdoses on that day while we were out). There just seems no respite.

[FrazzledBPDMum]

My 21 year old daughter was diagnosed a couple of years ago (after years of mental health problems and being sectioned many times) but won't engage in therapy. She does have a CPN who is regularly off sick so there is no consistency in her care.

Three overdoses in the last week have left us feeling hopeless. Although they all needed treatment I don't think they were a real attempt to take her own life (although I may be wrong and of course I have not said this to her) as there was medication available in the house that would have been fatal without any doubt. Until recently my daughter has always pushed me away and whilst it hurts, I have come to accept this is part of her disorder and tried not to take it to heart. Over the last few weeks she has started to become more open with me and our relationship started to get back on track. She recently returned from Uni where she was asked to leave her course in the first year due to her mental health issues. She seemed relieved to be home and it was nice to have her back, especially as the place she was living was unsuitable accommodation for a young girl - dirty shared spaces, the house was shared with grown men, armed police in attendance, cannabis smoking taking place, loud arguments etc. I had been saying for a long time she would be welcome home however now that she is we are finding it a real strain. It doesn't seem to be making it any better for her and the last week has illustrated this. She works sporadically as she is registered with a Care agency so can pick up shifts as and when. She says she is not well enough to work but also says she is bored at home. Today I took her out to buy her some jigsaws and she called at the shop for a bottle of wine, which I thought she intended opening tonight however she poured herself a glass at 2pm. I have recently been worried about her binge drinking and I told her I was not happy about her drinking in the daytime, pointing out that this is not something we do in our household. I explained that not only was I concerned that it would affect her mental health, I was also not happy that it was an acceptable thing to do in general - I told her that it was not personal as I would have the same conversation with my husband if he started drinking in the middle of the day. I was accused of treating her like a child and she retreated to her bedroom. I now I feel like we are back to square one. I just don't know what to do anymore. There are no local support groups. My husband (her step-dad) got sent home from work last week in tears as he feels so down about the situation - he adores my daughter. He regularly sees me in tears and this is just putting a huge strain on everyone. We know that the behaviour towards us shouldnt be taken personally but it's hard not to. My daughter has always been such a loving kind girl (and still is) and we know that when she has been horrid to us it makes her feel even worse - it's a vicious circle.

I have booked a spa/golf weekend away this weekend for my husbands 50th birthday and we are just not looking forward to it as we don't know what will happen while we are away (My birthday was last week and she took one of her overdoses on that day while we were out). There just seems no respite.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello FrazzledBPDMum…..welcome!

I am glad you found this forum and I hope you will come to feel that, too.  There are no quick fixes for these challenging people in our lives.  First and foremost we have to learn how to look after ourselves...get the oxygen masks on us first then tend to others.

Wonderful that you have that spa/golf weekend booked.  You can't bring all those things to an end because of fear of what your daughter might do.  Then you will be held hostage.

Over the years our daughter found she got the most bang-for-her-buck on those special days...Christmas, birthdays, etc.  I would cringe as I looked on the calendar and saw one of those days looming.

You write that your daughter won't engage in therapy.  That doesn't mean you can't.  Whatever change happens in the family dynamics will have to be instigated by you.  She is either incapable or unwilling to change her habits.    It would be good if you had a professional "sounding board"...someone who is familiar with BPD behaviours.

This forum can be a wonderful sounding board, too.  You pour out your heart and your hurts and you get a response...such a nice feeling to know you are being heard...and heard by people who can truly nod their heads.

It is a long, gruelling journey that all of us are on.  Once you start learning some of "the-tricks-of-the-trade" (so much on this website with links to more) in regards to dealing with the troubled individual who shares your life, what can follow is a feeling of being empowered...encouraged to move on to positive change.

So...wishing you and your husband a wonderful get-away.  When you return, hope you feel comfortable in jumping in here again.  It is important to note that, while others will reach out to offer their support and share what has helped or not helped them, you can do the same.  We help each other.

Huat

[FrazzledBPDMum]

Many thanks Huat. We returned from a lovely relaxing break on Sunday. Husbands 50th was yesterday and I came home from a conference today to discover my daughter has taken yet another OD. Currently in hospital and due to have a mental health assessment tomorrow...if she doesn’t discharge herself first. I long for the day that we all find some peace. It’s some comfort knowing that others understand!