Unsure what to do

[Ccswim]

Hi All, this is my first time posting.  My background is I'm 32 and married 10 years.  5 years ago when my marriage was really struggling I first went to individual therapy after trying to get my husband to couples therapy for months and feeling like I was at wits end so I wanted see if I could make improvements on my own esp since we had planned to be trying for a family then.  After seeing her for a few months she first suggested I read my first book on narcissists/bpd and it was like reading my life for the BPD parts.  Long story short, here we are 5 years later, 1 full affair and 1 emotional affair, separations after both and he pleaded me back and promised change both times and I came back.  Started couples therapy after the first affair, the full one, which has been inconsistent at best.  I also switched individual therapists a few years ago when we moved, who also very much agrees w at least, BPD traits though obviously can't diagnose him as she never met him.

I recently had an individual session with our couples therapist to discuss this with her and she also agreed that at the least she can validate he has traits, but can't diagnose since he will not go individually though she thinks he needs it, but he consistently, adamantly, refuses and hates couples therapy as well.  So 3 therapists now agreeing with at least traits without the diagnostic process.

On paper, I feel I know I need to let this marriage go.  We haven't started a family bc of this rollercoaster life, got close to trying several times, then there would be a blow up nightmare and I wanted calm before trying.  Our not having kids yet is what he blames all our problems on, everything is my fault, though his reasons make no sense.  He refuses to take accountability for anything, including the affairs, and he's punched holes in the walls and broken things in rages several times.  The past few weeks I've been thinking I was really needing to end this marriage.   I need to get on with my life, and honestly I really feel the clock ticking for me for kids, but just when we are going to try again it all falls to pieces, yet he says all he wants is kids.  Time has proven he wont change.  I've tried so much and he's tried very little. I know I can't change him now, I've struggled with hope of that for a while.   The therapists want me to be sure of my decision, probably bc the leaving and coming back doesn't support boundaries. 

Lot of background information there, but that's where I'm at, the past couple weeks I was feeling pretty sure I needed to end the marriage, theres been a few outbursts and I can't deal with the emotional abuse anymore despite finding it so hard to let go of my dreams of what could have been.  But then tonight we had a brief chat about our couples therapy appt tom and he alluded to nothing's going to change, so what now?  And I felt a rush of panic about my marriage being over, and I don't know why since it's what I thought I wanted lately.  I do still love him when he's Dr. Jekyll but the Mr. Hyde is just so much to deal with.  It's the love and hope that's kept me this long, but I guess my hope has been fading with all this time and no significant change.  I guess any input you have would be appreciated, its just tough.  Thanks much

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[UBPDHelp]

Hi Ccswim,

Welcome. I am sorry you find yourself here, but you’ve come to an amazing community of people who have seen and heard it all AND can offer much support and guidance.

I am in the middle of a crisis with my uBPDH and not an expert of any sorts — many days I can barely get out of my own way.

No one will tell you to leave or stay. You are the only one who can decide what’s right for you and your circumstance.  Again, the board experts will chime in with guidance. But, as I’ve had confirmed (see below), punching walls is abuse. It is intimidating and can escalate very quickly. (There are tools/links for safety plans and DV hotline — I’m not sure how to get the right link here, but an ambassador will get them to you AND I think you can find them in TOOLS if you poke around).

All I can do is offer you my story.  My uBPDH has had the makings of total dysregulation likely since the beginning of our relationship (known 30, married 25) but masked them very well. Over the years he would occasionally have outbursts or fly off the handle a bit more intensely than “normal”.  I chalked it up to temporary lapses and his Latin background (this was his excuse; Latins are passionate — yea, right this wasn’t passion).

We muddled along mostly okay but during this time I had no knowledge of BPD and was constantly doing little things that invalidated him and then scurrying to keep the peace — intermittently reinforcing if he did X bad behavior, he could get me to bend over backwards doing what he wanted. I was distracted with kids (4) and life and just lost track of normal.

About 5-7 years ago, stress increased (for both of us really). I leaned in to my partner with the stress so we could solve together, he lashed out. He got on a line that I am a horrible person because of my past (one BF I slept with before I even met my H).  I have been called vile, hurtful things. He has rage texted me, alienated me from friends and family (I choke on this one really because I feel this is my fault, how stupid could I be?). He’s withheld knowledge of finances and then blamed me for financial missteps. Every problem is my fault and it’s because of my past.

He basically stopped working (primary breadwinner) a month and a half ago, even though it’s only been 3 weeks since we’ve been told to stay home. He could work (others in his profession are carrying on business as usual), but he doesn’t. The other day he writhed away from me when I put my hand on his shoulder to try to comfort/support him.  He said we were over and he would leave when we could go back out. He then followed me to our family room where I went to watch tv and demanded the remote. I refused. He then went to other side of the room and broke a decoration.  It was his.  And then one of my glasses. And then later a plate I left out for his dinner (he refuses to eat with the family right now).

I was encouraged here to call the DV Hotline. I did. This was sobering because never in a million years would I have ever thought I would be abused or allow abuse to continue.

Personally, I wish I would have never met him except for my kids. I wouldn’t give them up for anything. But, here I am with 2-3 kids still home (pandemic is making launching a challenge!), and trying to figure out how to rebuild my life, take care of my kids and myself.

Only you know your situation. It is possible that with guidance and learning the tools you can take control of your r/s and make things better than they are. Many on here have had success stories (you can find those stories at the top of the Bettering Board, I believe).

Mine has not but who knows if I’d found this site sooner and mastered the tools.

Ccswim, again, I am not telling you what to do or not do. I know how hard it is and confusing.  You have found a great place. Continue to share your story, ask questions, learn the tools.

Look forward to hearing more...take care of yourself.