Where humour consists entirely of laughing at others

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I just find it hard to understand. All the literature ive come across and feel free to debate this, as far as I have a grasp on it - people with BPD generally, statistically, don't take kindly to criticism, in laymans terms - have a short fuse when it comes to jokes about them.

I do sometimes like to occasionally jest in relationships, tease playfully, I realised not to bother with this at all quickly with her, it rarely had the intended effect. She would go into a solemn silence at best, where the atmosphere just dropped. If she really didn't get it, id get the mumbling insults under her breath, her face drained of all expression.

but a bit strange the other side of her, I really struggle to think of the times where she could make me laugh or joke about anything if it wasn't somehow ridiculing or mocking someone else. There was this evil streak to her that enjoyed to see others suffer. Yet, all it took was someone to "look" at her (we are talking people just glance as they walk by in the street) for her to be filled with umbrage and believe she had been sleighted.

Im putting this down to living in some sort of psychosis detachment from reality, it is the best I can offer. I did start to have less sympathy as time went on in the relationship, perhaps even when I should have, there were times she would cry like a baby in self-sorrow. I emphasise here the feeling sorry for oneself part - she could get very highly emotional about me or others but for the main part it was a narrative of "poor me" "everyone leaves me" with no insight as to "why" and what she did to anyone else.

So why did I stay. The reason im on this board is having been too long in the midst of the rotten, repugnant side of her and not being able to even feel at liberty to tell her. The lack of self expression builds up, especially difficult when you are an expressive person.

But this is mostly needing to vent about the double standards and wonder if there is any explanation for it. Surely if you are a person who is so super hypersensitive to perceived sleights or criticism, what part of such disorder is there in the textbook to say that you can do the same to others? Surely you would feel so wrong about it happening to you that you wouldnt? My only conclusion so far is putting others down was her short-cut to the illusion of a thread of self-esteem.

Why I put up with this - I saw the (so called at the time) "other side" to her, and put it down to Jekyll and Hyde explanations. I don't believe in this now, I find these "2 people in 1" concept very misleading and no scientific basis to bolster it. She was a package deal, that side I didn't like at all but tried to explain it away and justify.

Not sure why this is surfacing itself now. Just part confusion carrying through, it seems straightforward how I was brought up, if you don't want to be regarded as "bad" the answer is simple, don't be a bad person, don't be nasty to others or do bad things. But this relationship really opened my mind that I had to learn empathy for far more elaborate, complex ways of thinking that my straightward, simple mindset just lacks the empathy to figure out. Maybe someone here can explain this one for me, what im missing here and why it just doesn't make any sense.

[Cromwell]

I just find it hard to understand. All the literature ive come across and feel free to debate this, as far as I have a grasp on it - people with BPD generally, statistically, don't take kindly to criticism, in laymans terms - have a short fuse when it comes to jokes about them.

I do sometimes like to occasionally jest in relationships, tease playfully, I realised not to bother with this at all quickly with her, it rarely had the intended effect. She would go into a solemn silence at best, where the atmosphere just dropped. If she really didn't get it, id get the mumbling insults under her breath, her face drained of all expression.

but a bit strange the other side of her, I really struggle to think of the times where she could make me laugh or joke about anything if it wasn't somehow ridiculing or mocking someone else. There was this evil streak to her that enjoyed to see others suffer. Yet, all it took was someone to "look" at her (we are talking people just glance as they walk by in the street) for her to be filled with umbrage and believe she had been sleighted.

Im putting this down to living in some sort of psychosis detachment from reality, it is the best I can offer. I did start to have less sympathy as time went on in the relationship, perhaps even when I should have, there were times she would cry like a baby in self-sorrow. I emphasise here the feeling sorry for oneself part - she could get very highly emotional about me or others but for the main part it was a narrative of "poor me" "everyone leaves me" with no insight as to "why" and what she did to anyone else.

So why did I stay. The reason im on this board is having been too long in the midst of the rotten, repugnant side of her and not being able to even feel at liberty to tell her. The lack of self expression builds up, especially difficult when you are an expressive person.

But this is mostly needing to vent about the double standards and wonder if there is any explanation for it. Surely if you are a person who is so super hypersensitive to perceived sleights or criticism, what part of such disorder is there in the textbook to say that you can do the same to others? Surely you would feel so wrong about it happening to you that you wouldnt? My only conclusion so far is putting others down was her short-cut to the illusion of a thread of self-esteem.

Why I put up with this - I saw the (so called at the time) "other side" to her, and put it down to Jekyll and Hyde explanations. I don't believe in this now, I find these "2 people in 1" concept very misleading and no scientific basis to bolster it. She was a package deal, that side I didn't like at all but tried to explain it away and justify.

Not sure why this is surfacing itself now. Just part confusion carrying through, it seems straightforward how I was brought up, if you don't want to be regarded as "bad" the answer is simple, don't be a bad person, don't be nasty to others or do bad things. But this relationship really opened my mind that I had to learn empathy for far more elaborate, complex ways of thinking that my straightward, simple mindset just lacks the empathy to figure out. Maybe someone here can explain this one for me, what im missing here and why it just doesn't make any sense.

[daze507]

My xBPD could not stand any form of criticism or joke from me.
Once, we were about to have sex (and it did nit happen eventually) and I told here "bring that cellulite ass over here". I admit that was a stupid, unwelcomed and inappropriate joke to tell in thar very moment and she took it so badly we were not in the mood for it anymore. In fact, she brought that story up days after despite nthe fact I apologize and told her that was a stupid thing to say (and let's be honest, it really is).
However, she did not have that side of making fun of others and did not enjoy to see others suffering, all the contrary. I don't think it is a specific BPD trait so it may be a side of your ex's true personality.

[Cromwell]

Thanks Daze

I felt better just talking about it, even I have little knowledge why it seemed to bother me.

Never mention cellulite to any women regardless, there is never a suitable apology. 

I know you are right here, it was specific to her, it has helped to hear other's experiences and try to discern what can I put down to illness, what can I put down as traits I did not like that made her who she is regardless. Not an easy task especially as she had strong identity issues anyway.

[Rev]

My only conclusion so far is putting others down was her short-cut to the illusion of a thread of self-esteem.

Why I put up with this - I saw the (so called at the time) "other side" to her, and put it down to Jekyll and Hyde explanations. I don't believe in this now, I find these "2 people in 1" concept very misleading and no scientific basis to bolster it. She was a package deal, that side I didn't like at all but tried to explain it away and justify.

I'm right where you are at this stage. It is who she was for me too.

Until one day - I realized that I just didn't like her very much, regardless of whether she liked me. I just detached in the moment. And on that day I triggered her on purpose - and braced for what was coming.

I still had stuff to deal with. And I am still dealing with it. But I stopped explaining it away because I was tired of being an emotional punching bag.

Great post.

Rev

[daze507]

Never mention cellulite to any women regardless, there is never a suitable apology

Yep, never made the same mistake again. You learn a lot from being in a relationship with a BDP since everything is amplified.

[once removed]

Im putting this down to living in some sort of psychosis detachment from reality, it is the best I can offer.

that might be a little strong. a double standard, or hypocrisy, is not the same thing as psychosis or detachment from reality.

you know those studies you hear all the time, you see in your facebook feed, you hear in the news? there was one that i heard at a very young age, and it really stuck with me: people bond more easily over things they dislike.

ostensibly, you and i would better bond over talking about movies we hate, and why, than movies we love, and why.

universally true? scientifically true? i dont know. like anything, it probably comes with a lot of caveats. try too hard to bond with someone over negative things, and theyre going to see you as a negative person, much like compliments can build a relationship, but overdo it, and the person is going to question your motives.

but generally speaking, people watching, cracking jokes, talking about "omg i hate that too!" can bond any couple.

this really has very little to do with low self esteem, or high sensitivity, the things that a person is personally wounded by, except the most obvious dangers...if i non stop find fault in others, a romantic partner is bound to eventually wonder if i hold them to the same standards.

Surely if you are a person who is so super hypersensitive to perceived sleights or criticism, what part of such disorder is there in the textbook to say that you can do the same to others? Surely you would feel so wrong about it happening to you that you wouldnt?

that would be nice, but i dont think most of the people ive known operate that way.