New to this

[Gogo2020]

Been through a whirlwind. After some suicidal ideation, my daughter was hospitalized on Monday to stabilize. Through that process we discovered she has what amounts to a secret life. Alcohol, drugs and extremely promiscuous behavior. Extremely unstable personal relationships.
She was diagnosed with ADHD in early elementary school. I thought we were really on top of things but once she hit high school all hell broke loose. I knew she was volatile and beyond normal teen behavior but i had no idea just how much she was hurting/acting out.
I’m embarrassed at my failure at parenting. . I’m also angry and embarrassed by her behavior.
I don’t even know where to begin regarding therapy. She is supposed to start college out of state  in the fall. I can’t imagine that happening after all i know.
What is weird is that she does well in school. She does seem to be able to focus on that and stay in line. But i can’t imagine her handling the social aspects of a university right now.
Sorry this is so disjointed. My mind is whirling.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bandiro]

Hi Gogo,
I’m rather new to this also, so I’m not sure I can help you much, but I just want to let you know you aren’t alone. Your story is very similar to mine (including D’s secret life and unstable relationships). My BpdD18 is a freshman in college. She has also always been volatile and “difficult” but she did very well in high school. College has been a roller coaster ride, but it’s been more of an academic issue than a social issue despite her stellar academics in high school. Last semester my D started off strong and then she just gave up and stopped going to class (though partying and other social issues may have played a roll in that). She does seem to be doing better this semester, but she has been home and doing her work online the last few weeks d/t the virus, so not sure how things would be going if she was at school.  So as to your question whether your D will be able to attend college next semester: every situation is unique but it can be done. Though starting  off strong and then getting overwhelmed and giving up is apparently pretty common for BPD students.
If college ends up being a consideration for your daughter, you may want to look into therapy options for her at school or near her school - there were no options close to my D’s school, which ended up being a huge time commitment for me to drive there and take her once a week ( I don’t trust her with a car at school).
Life with a BPD child may always be a bumpy ride, but there are skills we can learn to help smooth things out. In dealing with my D lately,  I try to validate her feelings as best I can, and just stay calm. This approach has seemed to lessen the frequency, severity, and duration of the rages.
I understand your feelings of anger and embarrassment- I had/ have those same feelings. My feelings are evolving into sadness that life will always be so hard for DD, and I may never have the relationship with her that I have with my other kids. I have started seeing a therapist to help me navigate this situation. I would highly recommend that if it’s feasible.
I don’t post a lot here, but I read a lot and I have found comfort just knowing I’m not alone. And I’ve come to realize there are no easy answers or fixes for Bpd, but improvement can happen (especially with proper therapy).  I’ve also learned about validation, and I’m learning to incorporate that into dealing with DD, and it seems to be helping.
I wish you the best with your DD during these very trying times.

[Gogo2020]

Thank you so much for you reply. It means a lot. I’m just so shocked and upset. And i feel so responsible. I don’t feel like we were awful parents, but she certainly thinks we did everything wrong.
Does anyone have a true success story?

[Bandiro]

When I first found this board last fall, that was my question too. I have not found any real success stories here, but I think many people stop posting when things get better. My therapist tells me there is good hope for recovery and I’m going with that. I think life will always be harder than average for my D (it always has been with her emotional regulation issues), but I’m hopeful she can live a relatively normal and productive life with healthy relationships. Unfortunately keeping her in therapy has been tough (she doesn’t think she needs it right now), and I know consistent therapy will be needed for her to get better. I’m working on that.
My daughter also blames me for everything, but in my heart I know I was/am a good parent to her. Not perfect for sure, but we did our best, and I can say for sure there was no neglect or abuse on our part. My other 2 kids (older) are both well adjusted and successful, and we were the same parents to them. My D has had issues with emotional regulation and separation since she was an infant. My biggest regret is that I didn’t get her into therapy sooner. There is definitely a hereditary aspect to BPD, and I think my MIL has it. You can’t blame yourself, most of the parents on this board seem like loving attentive parents, but here we all are...
I am hopeful that one day in the not too distant future we will both be able to share our Ds’ success stories on this board.

[Gogo2020]

Thanks! Me too.

[Huat]

Hello Gogo2020 and Bandiro

I can't tell you how many times I have unloaded to a friend/relative then had them stay silent/stone-faced.  Well, let's face it, they were dumfounded at what I was saying.  Their relationships with their children were "normal"...what my child was doing, I'm sure they are thinking, would be totally unacceptable in their families...probably a lot to do with my parenting.  I am left embarrassed, to say the least...maybe even shamed.  I am immediately silenced and I am even sadder because of the results.

More often than not when one is revealing something to the another, some kind of response is welcomed...even something like, "I am sorry this is happening to you."  I am remembering years ago attending a workshop, the topic being on..."reflective listening"...a true art to master.

With all that said, it is interesting following the two of you on this thread...just another instance where heart-warming responses come from others who really do have an idea of what another is going through.

You bring up "success stories."  That makes me think...what is your idea of a success story?  Is it eventually having all work out the way you want it to work out...or...is it getting to the point where you are learning to go with the flow?  By that I am not meaning that you sit back and do nothing.  Of course we keep trying to do better by these difficult children of ours.  We keep learning different "techniques"...trial/error...but also work on becoming resilient enough that when we hit a wall...we bounce off and take a detour.  Well, for sure all that better said in "The Prayer of Serenity."

I consider mine to be a bit of a success story, even though we have no contact with our daughter (her choice).  I can't make her change...but I have changed...no more the sad sack of a few short years back...but a continued work-in-progress.

A lot of work goes into loving and living with these troubled love ones who share our lives...a lot of work...a lot of heartache.  Although I enjoy getting together with friends, it is very rarely that I feel comfortable staying when the conversations turn to what is happening in their families...the doting children/grandchildren...the happy gatherings they share...yadda, yadda, yadda!    This forum has been a godsend for me...happy to read your praises of it, too.

Wishing the two of you well...with many success stories in your futures that you will be able to share with the rest of us here.

Huat

[Gogo2020]

Thanks for your reply. It’s a lot for me to digest but I’m grateful for your response.
I guess by “success story” I mean hope that my daughter can work through her issues and live a productive, fulfilling life. Be able to have real, meaningful relationships. Stability.