On the verge of insanity.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I don't want to write a book here so I will attempt a list.
Just before that a few facts.
It will soon be 4 years since I saw or heard from my BPD EX even though I could walk to her house in 2 minutes.
After 3 years I met someone else who my last posts were about, she has lots of NPD traits.
She is a friend of friends and basically saw me through a window one day and then hounded me to the point of stalking.
The whole pub knew she fancied me and I got so many people mithering me about taking her out.
So in the end I gave in even though there were red flags, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
For a few weeks I was glad I did, she was lovely.
Then she started being a bitch.
We split up and then got back together and all was really good for nearly 2 months.
Then so much crap happened I am not going to list it but it's in my previous posts.
We split up but life got better mid March for a week and I felt reasonably OK until the world fell apart.
Since then I've existed in pretty much one room.
I can't get my anxiety meds because the queue goes half way round the block.
I walked to my local shop today (100 yards) felt like the world was closing in, blurry vision and dizziness because I'd not been out the house for 10 days it was like I had developed agoraphobia.
Well I see everyone on facebook and messages from people saying how much weight they have put on I am wasting away because I am hardly eating.  No food in house.
I cannot queue up because of anxiety.
Now before this sh** storm started (virus) I had started to think of my BPD EX a lot when I hadn't for 2 years.
So I looked on her facebook from another account cos I'm blocked and saw her chatting and being chatted up by someone I know who lives 50 yards from me. I have known him 30 years, he is not a full shilling. I'm not just saying that for the reasons you are thinking, it's true and well known in the community.
He is a jobless alcoholic, she is a functioning well paid good job alcoholic.
Anyway the pub kept me sane as it did a lot of people, but now it's gone I'm f****.
It will not open for 6 months if ever.
As for the NPD ex, we are friends and text a lot, but she is the same ignorant narcissistic person that showed herself after 5 weeks of us being a couple.
I'll add some more when I can, this solitude and thought of at least half a year probably a lot more is driving me insane.

[In a bad way]

I don't want to write a book here so I will attempt a list.
Just before that a few facts.
It will soon be 4 years since I saw or heard from my BPD EX even though I could walk to her house in 2 minutes.
After 3 years I met someone else who my last posts were about, she has lots of NPD traits.
She is a friend of friends and basically saw me through a window one day and then hounded me to the point of stalking.
The whole pub knew she fancied me and I got so many people mithering me about taking her out.
So in the end I gave in even though there were red flags, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
For a few weeks I was glad I did, she was lovely.
Then she started being a bitch.
We split up and then got back together and all was really good for nearly 2 months.
Then so much crap happened I am not going to list it but it's in my previous posts.
We split up but life got better mid March for a week and I felt reasonably OK until the world fell apart.
Since then I've existed in pretty much one room.
I can't get my anxiety meds because the queue goes half way round the block.
I walked to my local shop today (100 yards) felt like the world was closing in, blurry vision and dizziness because I'd not been out the house for 10 days it was like I had developed agoraphobia.
Well I see everyone on facebook and messages from people saying how much weight they have put on I am wasting away because I am hardly eating.  No food in house.
I cannot queue up because of anxiety.
Now before this sh** storm started (virus) I had started to think of my BPD EX a lot when I hadn't for 2 years.
So I looked on her facebook from another account cos I'm blocked and saw her chatting and being chatted up by someone I know who lives 50 yards from me. I have known him 30 years, he is not a full shilling. I'm not just saying that for the reasons you are thinking, it's true and well known in the community.
He is a jobless alcoholic, she is a functioning well paid good job alcoholic.
Anyway the pub kept me sane as it did a lot of people, but now it's gone I'm f****.
It will not open for 6 months if ever.
As for the NPD ex, we are friends and text a lot, but she is the same ignorant narcissistic person that showed herself after 5 weeks of us being a couple.
I'll add some more when I can, this solitude and thought of at least half a year probably a lot more is driving me insane.

[JNChell]

In a bad way , four years is a very long time and you need to accept that. You haven’t given yourself space to think about things and potentially heal. One of things that was in your way, the pub, is now not an option. You can be angry about that, or you can sit down and breathe and accept things for what they are. We are going through a very scary time. Where’s the positive in it? I’m finding this time off as a blessing. Room to think and talk about my thoughts. Man to man, where are you really at with yourself?

[In a bad way]

In a bad way , four years is a very long time and you need to accept that. You haven’t given yourself space to think about things and potentially heal. One of things that was in your way, the pub, is now not an option. You can be angry about that, or you can sit down and breathe and accept things for what they are. We are going through a very scary time. Where’s the positive in it? I’m finding this time off as a blessing. Room to think and talk about my thoughts. Man to man, where are you really at with yourself?

I was fine until I met the woman I am pretty sure is NPD, it was her actions that set me back, then I started tthinking.
As for the pub, well that was not in my way, I think you must have misunderstood me.
The pub was where I went to unwind and have a laugh with friends and sometimes meet new people, also I was on a sports team which I helped to run, I forgot to mention that.
I didn't mind staying in and watching TV some nights but now that as all gone and I have a very strong feeling it will be a very long time if ever before it comes back, this virtual house arrest is hell on earth,I can't cope with this much longer, it's torture.
And yes I am angry, I haven't felt proper anger in years, now little things like videos buffering on my PC make me want to put my fist through the screen.

[Cromwell]

in a bad way, may I ask if now that the pub is closed, you are drinking now at home instead, and if so, maybe more because of the situation?

Ive found that others are now pubs are closed and stuck at home, I usually do not drink at all, I have started myself to again.

[Las1604]

Bad Way - to stay sane I go for long walks every day... a little over an hour each day for me. I suffer from anxiety and depression (have a whole team of doctors supporting me ). I had problems before, but the split from my BPD ex sent me in a tailspin before Christmas like I've never had. Can you get professional help?

Four years is a long time as stated above. It's hard to move on. I can't imagine your feelings but I'm going through something similar. One thing that's helped me is not to feel ashamed of those feelings. You care about her still, you like her till, maybe love her. Tell yourself it's okay. Tell yourself those feelings are okay. Talk to yourself in the third person, as if you're comforting a friend. If you ever get anxiety - let it almost flow through you. I've found it's helped me. They put me on Zoloft and I had to stop after two weeks, I had every side effect under the sun.

Focus on you and YOUR needs. And be at peace with how you feel - that's the first step to healing.

[JNChell]

Brother, I so understand your angst. I’ve put my fist through many things, but it only added to my guilt and shame. Sitting with these feelings can be very hard, but we have to if we want to stop expressing ourselves with our fists. Anger is a very important part of the healing process, but it’s important to not let it overtake us. Simply sitting down, closing our eyes and breathing is a huge thing. Don’t knock it until you try it. It’s very calming and allows time to think instead of react.

Stop watching what triggers you. Switch it up or continue to punish yourself. Bad feelings are no way to live. They burn us if we let them. Please believe me when I tell you that feeling better is a choice. It can be slow, but maybe it should be. Slow allows us to think.

NPD, BPD and so on will follow us until we decide to sit with ourselves and realize things about ourselves. You’re not to blame, but you are wired to be drawn to people that hurt you. Does that make sense?

[In a bad way]

I'm sorry, I don't think I am expressing myself properly.
...I stopped drinking at home years ago, well I did 3 years and then due to what happened at Xmas I had a drink at home for a few days, however it wasn't very much.
I did have a drink a few days ago but again not much, a bottle of wine over about 12 hours.
I hate drinking at home alone, I like to drink in the pub to socialise.

My Bpd ex is not really the issue here, it was at the time the other night one of those things where you think it's sods law when things are bad moment, if you know what I mean?

I've lost 4 pounds in 7 days, which makes me wonder when large (as not to offend anyone) people tell me they are on a diet and lost 1lb in 3 weeks, they can't be trying very hard...LOL  Don't eat too much = lose weight.
I'm digressing sorry.
I cannot go for a walk, never have unless I had a dog, it's not me.
Actually a friend of mine told me to do that the other day...I haven't replied.
Supermarkets were always a challenge because of anxiety but now there is no way in this world I can go now with all this s*** storm in place.
Funnily enough when I am happy I can go without a care in the world, it's down to state of mind.
It seems to me from facebook and text messages to friends that they all think lockdown will be lifted and everyone is having a party at the pub the next night, I want to shake some sense into them (not literally ) and tell them it's not happening and this s*** is here for many months at least, and even then by the time it's over the high street will look like Beirut, all boarded up and businesses gone for ever.
The world is not going back to normal as we knew it.
It was hard enough before but I found a balance and it was OK, this however is not OK, I can see the bigger picture for the future which is not something they tell you on the BBC.
Stress is getting to me, prison would be better, 3 meals a day and people to talk to.
People are acting as if a foreign power has unleashed a doomsday bio weapon on us and think if you walk past them they are going to drop dead in the street.
Neighbours are grassing each other up for going outside...it's absurd.

[In a bad way]

Thanks for the replies, my head is a bit frazzled at the moment but I realise I am ranting...but I need to.

          You’re not to blame, but you are wired to be drawn to people that hurt you. Does that make sense?               

I've never bought into that, I didn't know my BPD ex was what she was until long after I met her, the last one was lovely for 5 weeks, if they were crazy from day one then I wouldn't get involved...I don't think any of us would, it takes time to figure them out after they show their true colours.

[In a bad way]

My other worry at the moment is that anxiety is giving way to anger, and to be honest I don't like that, I can given the right circumstances snap.That will not be a good outcome.
I feel at times like it doesn't matter, not much left to lose, liberty as all but gone anyway.

[Cromwell]

How are you doing for getting the medication, I know it is hard at the moment with the Queues, but I think it would help to find a way if it then opens up other opportunities (the potential to go for a walk even just to the shop) and generally just quiten down the mind and help to relax more about the worries.

I suffer anxiety too, when it really hits more than usual I also get a feeling of nausea and a tightness of the stomach, I dont feel I can eat anything.

[JNChell]

Anxiety has fueled my anger as well. I have just recently accepted medication for my anxiety, and it’s working out very well. Man, I wish that I could just give you a hug right now.

I’m telling you that everything is going to be ok, and I’m telling you that because I’ve been through some very dark things. Are you hearing me? Knock off this PLEASE READ, take a breath and think. Get into your reality, own it and talk about it.

I have the ability to snap every day, but I control it. I see my father sticking a loaded revolver in my gut and screaming in my face everyday. He was the crazy one. I’m not him, but I do have the ability to snap just like you. You see, we share the same feelings. That doesn’t mean we have to let them loose. We control them and become smarter people. We reserve those feelings for when they’re necessary, and we’re smart enough to know when we should let those feelings out in a controlled manner. Everything has use. Even our abuse and the results. We just have to be smart and aware.

I think that your feelings go deeper than your exes. I also think that it’s very important for you to start talking about that stuff.

[In a bad way]

Thanks Cromwell and JNChell...very good points, I will get back to you on them.
This is what I was talking about, I didn't go looking for this ,someone posted it on FB.

https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/uk-news/easter-asda-tesco-supermarket-queues-18074571?fbclid=IwAR2w16ulsv0SOHAh2rYkgZxoc-jUWERBLc_b3yM4mmXMUPuJ-xRj6Ldt6K8

[JNChell]

You’re stressed about the current state of things. So many of us are. Be aware of yourself, and don’t let your anxiety control you. Anxiety is a powerful wound and hard to manage. Anxiety is a wound, son. I’m clinically diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. C-PTSD. This might sound weird, but I was so glad to receive that diagnosis. It gave me something to wrap my head around. A focal point to see my anger, anxiety and sadness from. That diagnosis gave me hope because it gave me knowledge and a map. It allowed me to ask the right questions and to sit outside outside of my anger and look at it. My anger isn’t a pretty thing. It’s very dark and dangerous. I’d rather look at it than feel it. It took a lot of work to be able to do that, but I’m living proof.

You’re wound very tight and are angry. Keep talking. I hear you.

[JNChell]

How are you feeling?

[Cromwell]

Hi inabadway

If you are feeling up to it, was wondering how you have been lately?

have you managed to get out since we last talked? Hope you are improving and got your appetite back a bit. I thought the shops would be busy today was surprised to find them really calm even in mid after noon. Has the light sensitivity went away. Hope to hear from you and take care. Cromwell

[In a bad way]

Thanks JNChell and Cromwell.
Felt a bit down and subdued but the anger has subsided a lot.
It's funny, I have more to say when I am angry, that's one of the reasons I've not posted.
I managed to get a collection slot at a supermarket so at least I don't have to walk round one, like I said I hate them at the best of times, I can get light headed and the sweats.
Appetite is very bad but some of that is down to not having anything decent in the house, hopefully after I pick my shopping up at the end of the week it will improve.
Going to try and get my head together tomorrow if I can get up, the lawns have grown enough to cut again and I have some other jobs I can do.
Only real problem is I've not been getting to sleep till the early hours, so getting up in the afternoon.
Still can't believe I'm living in the middle of real life disaster movie, would not have been as bad if was with someone to go through it all with, it multiplies the loneliness.

[Cromwell]

Hi, some good news then with the shopping, hope you manage to get some focus, I know what it is like, this situation made me dwell for a few days and I felt stuck. I do go out it helps, I have not noticed the big queues in shops and usually they are quiet and have plenty back on the shelves. I think and I recall back to the start of other events that triggered panics, some people rush out and react in confusion to begin with. I notice now that there is more calm and adapting to it.

about the loneliness factor, I see the plus and minuses. ive distanced myself a little from people during this and it has helped not to listen to their fears and worries and amplify my own. I like to keep contact but at a distance, it works for me. At this moment I do 18hours a day combination of work and/or studying, I get 5 to 6 hours, but just depends, I find I just keep working until I have no choice but to tstop, there is no such fixed sleep routine, in terms of less anxiety it works, I cope fine if I have tasks to attack. Good to hear from you again and hope the week goes better.