Advice on next steps

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm deeply grateful for this site and still remember the relief I felt when I finally found it after 4 years in relationship with my BF with BPD (undiagnosed). I have read a few books about BPD and other stuff that's been really helpful.
In our relationship, we have gone through many ups and downs. There has been progress, for example in the name calling, swearing which finally seems to have diminished almost completely when he is enraged. The accusations of infidelity have all but disappeared for the past year. The rages that were weekly, tend to be less intense and perhaps once a month or even every 2 months. That's not to say, it's all plain sailing in between, but the strengths of the relationship are that we get on very well, we make each other laugh and I like him as a person as well as love him. One of the things that has helped is that he's been working for an organisation that seem to get him and value him and his ideas, this is after 4 years of not fitting.
The reason I'm conflicted is that I think I may have reached my end of the road.

In the last 6 months we have lost my sister-in-law and then my father to cancer, I work with people with cancer and so COVID has prevented this and I find myself not earning. I am coping well with all of this, I feel positive, yet I recognise both my energy and my willingness to be dictated to, not listened to, shut down in conversation and prevented from talking about certain things that are important to me are waning. This culminated in an incident 10 days ago. Since COVID, my BF has (in his own words) struggled. Where I have a routine of yoga etc, he does not and does not want to join me. Of course, this is his choice, but he doesn't help himself by drinking a lot and getting increasingly wound up by what's happening. A few weeks ago, he would not stop gong on about getting a freezer and armageddon, I can't dismiss him completely so we did order one. Since then, what has been his bug is the fact that I and my siblings care for my mum since dad died and he then starts raising his voice and telling me how we are killing my mum and putting him at risk, even though we are following guidelines and he does not practise what he preaches. This has happened about 3 times and so I left the house to avoid argument but then we kind of avoided each other that day and I had group calls in the evening. I needed some space and slept in the spare bedroom. I was feeling like he had over stepped a mark, what he was saying was contradictory and didnt make sense and he wouldn't repect my right to make decisions for my mum. The next morning, we began to bicker and I shouldn't have had a risky conversation when he was in the bath, he slammed the shower door against me twice, I lost my temper, shouted, go on then and he grabbed my face, causing a mark and a bruised feeling that lasted for days. I left and have been at my mum's since, 9 days now. I texted him when I left and said that I wanted him to not contact me for 2 weeks. To be fair, he respected this, except to tell me he had realised he had been 'sliding down' and acknowledges he has issues with alcohol and anger and that he had contacted a counsellor. He then sent me some links, he contacted my brother about a theory of COVID being 'made-up' and asked me for my brother's address. I have not replied at all. When we have separated like this in the past, he has bombarded me with emotional texts and emails and so this feels like progress.
However, although I love him and like our life together, I am starting to recognise how stuck I feel, how his moods and rages seem to take all my energy for days and how I want a relationship wth someone who doesnt drink so much and respects that it's not fair to dictate to the other because you thin you're right.
In response to hom grabbing my face, he blamed me and said Id made him do it. And yes, I should have walked away, but when you keep doing that and you're in need of support yourself, you do have limits.I think of the tens of times I have not made it worse, or where I've been abused.
At New Year, he threw a plate at me whilst I was sat on the bed because I'd eaten his dinner that he hadnt eaten the night before because he was drinking. In March, he scremed at me to get out of the car because he felt i was criticising him, drove off leaving me in a supermarket, then did the same when we reached the holiday destination. At christmas it was dangerous driving again.
I dont trust that he wont resort to this control and abuse again and I dont think I can face it again. I feel a bit like I'm being held back.
I am going to stay at my mum's longer, making it over 2 weeks without contact.

So, (thanks for your patience in reading) what do I say to him? I dont know what I want to do, so I'm concentrating on what is the next step? and the next step is staying away. I nee to communicate this to him, but I dont want to get into talking about us as I dont know what I want.

I think it's great he's seen a counsellor, but he's seen 3 therapists before including a couples counsellor. My feeling is that he needs strategies to help him manage himself not counselling. I am tired of being the blank screen for his anger and frustration for the painful things in his life.

I am aware that I am numbing out a bit as I'm not thinking too much about us, I'm aware I still need to grieve my father and that I need to be in a positive supportive environment to do so and to maintain positivity whilst I'm trying to build up some sort of online practice. He can be so helpful and has been great about dad when I mention it. It's just when he is on that slide and drinking, he shuts down my opinion, does not look after himself, projects onto me and becomes dictatorial.

WHat kinds of questions are going to help me work through this?

[Blue Monday]

I'm deeply grateful for this site and still remember the relief I felt when I finally found it after 4 years in relationship with my BF with BPD (undiagnosed). I have read a few books about BPD and other stuff that's been really helpful.
In our relationship, we have gone through many ups and downs. There has been progress, for example in the name calling, swearing which finally seems to have diminished almost completely when he is enraged. The accusations of infidelity have all but disappeared for the past year. The rages that were weekly, tend to be less intense and perhaps once a month or even every 2 months. That's not to say, it's all plain sailing in between, but the strengths of the relationship are that we get on very well, we make each other laugh and I like him as a person as well as love him. One of the things that has helped is that he's been working for an organisation that seem to get him and value him and his ideas, this is after 4 years of not fitting.
The reason I'm conflicted is that I think I may have reached my end of the road.

In the last 6 months we have lost my sister-in-law and then my father to cancer, I work with people with cancer and so COVID has prevented this and I find myself not earning. I am coping well with all of this, I feel positive, yet I recognise both my energy and my willingness to be dictated to, not listened to, shut down in conversation and prevented from talking about certain things that are important to me are waning. This culminated in an incident 10 days ago. Since COVID, my BF has (in his own words) struggled. Where I have a routine of yoga etc, he does not and does not want to join me. Of course, this is his choice, but he doesn't help himself by drinking a lot and getting increasingly wound up by what's happening. A few weeks ago, he would not stop gong on about getting a freezer and armageddon, I can't dismiss him completely so we did order one. Since then, what has been his bug is the fact that I and my siblings care for my mum since dad died and he then starts raising his voice and telling me how we are killing my mum and putting him at risk, even though we are following guidelines and he does not practise what he preaches. This has happened about 3 times and so I left the house to avoid argument but then we kind of avoided each other that day and I had group calls in the evening. I needed some space and slept in the spare bedroom. I was feeling like he had over stepped a mark, what he was saying was contradictory and didnt make sense and he wouldn't repect my right to make decisions for my mum. The next morning, we began to bicker and I shouldn't have had a risky conversation when he was in the bath, he slammed the shower door against me twice, I lost my temper, shouted, go on then and he grabbed my face, causing a mark and a bruised feeling that lasted for days. I left and have been at my mum's since, 9 days now. I texted him when I left and said that I wanted him to not contact me for 2 weeks. To be fair, he respected this, except to tell me he had realised he had been 'sliding down' and acknowledges he has issues with alcohol and anger and that he had contacted a counsellor. He then sent me some links, he contacted my brother about a theory of COVID being 'made-up' and asked me for my brother's address. I have not replied at all. When we have separated like this in the past, he has bombarded me with emotional texts and emails and so this feels like progress.
However, although I love him and like our life together, I am starting to recognise how stuck I feel, how his moods and rages seem to take all my energy for days and how I want a relationship wth someone who doesnt drink so much and respects that it's not fair to dictate to the other because you thin you're right.
In response to hom grabbing my face, he blamed me and said Id made him do it. And yes, I should have walked away, but when you keep doing that and you're in need of support yourself, you do have limits.I think of the tens of times I have not made it worse, or where I've been abused.
At New Year, he threw a plate at me whilst I was sat on the bed because I'd eaten his dinner that he hadnt eaten the night before because he was drinking. In March, he scremed at me to get out of the car because he felt i was criticising him, drove off leaving me in a supermarket, then did the same when we reached the holiday destination. At christmas it was dangerous driving again.
I dont trust that he wont resort to this control and abuse again and I dont think I can face it again. I feel a bit like I'm being held back.
I am going to stay at my mum's longer, making it over 2 weeks without contact.

So, (thanks for your patience in reading) what do I say to him? I dont know what I want to do, so I'm concentrating on what is the next step? and the next step is staying away. I nee to communicate this to him, but I dont want to get into talking about us as I dont know what I want.

I think it's great he's seen a counsellor, but he's seen 3 therapists before including a couples counsellor. My feeling is that he needs strategies to help him manage himself not counselling. I am tired of being the blank screen for his anger and frustration for the painful things in his life.

I am aware that I am numbing out a bit as I'm not thinking too much about us, I'm aware I still need to grieve my father and that I need to be in a positive supportive environment to do so and to maintain positivity whilst I'm trying to build up some sort of online practice. He can be so helpful and has been great about dad when I mention it. It's just when he is on that slide and drinking, he shuts down my opinion, does not look after himself, projects onto me and becomes dictatorial.

WHat kinds of questions are going to help me work through this?

[Cat Familiar]

I’m glad you’re currently staying at your mother’s place. It sounds like your partner is becoming destabilized by the COVID crisis. It’s a trying time for everyone, and very difficult for those who have emotional regulation disorders—and for their partners. 

You have experienced several bouts of domestic violence, whether or not you’ve categorized it as such. Have you taken the Mosaic test?  https://www.mosaicmethod.com  It will help you assess the level of risk this relationship poses to you.

If you do move back to be with him, do you have a safety plan in mind? A go bag with necessary documents, supplies, change of clothes, keys, money, etc?

Please consider this and let us know what your score on the Mosaic test is.

[Blue Monday]

Hi, I got 5 out of 10

My difficulty is that a lot of the time it's fine and I dont feel threatened by him. I have had to be really firm and consistent with my boundaries which has helped. I used to get frustrated by the fact I had to be so boundaried but now I accept it.

It's when he starts to get insecure that he becomes more provocative and manipulative and it's those moments that I find so distressing because he is so intense. I dont feel at risk from him physically, it's more I'm fed up, because I feel like it's all about him and it's taking too much effort to maintain my own calmness given my own grief and challenges.

[Blue Monday]

I have a go to place to go to, but usually we can go to separate rooms and calm or he will leave for a few hours. Years ago he used to rant for hours and hours (4 years ago) that has happened twice since then (in 4 years).

I think what I find so hard is that we trundle along and I feel like I can be myself and not walking on eggshells and we can have a normal relationship that isnt full of unrealistic expectations and then wham, suddenly what was acceptable is now being screamed at. THere's also the powerlessness as I can see his decline, but he rejects there is a problem

[formflier]

I think what I find so hard is that we trundle along and I feel like I can be myself and not walking on eggshells and we can have a normal relationship that isnt full of unrealistic expectations and then wham, suddenly what was acceptable is now being screamed at. THere's also the powerlessness as I can see his decline, but he rejects there is a problem

This very much describes my relationship.  Months and months of "really good" and the "poof"...BPD returns.

What has helped me is a mindset change.  It doesn't matter so much that he accepts there is a problem/unacceptable behavior...what matters more is YOU (and me in my case) accept it.

Then I take action that is appropriate.

Best,

FF

[drained1996]

What matters is YOU, is this the life you want?  I don't see that in your posts.  Could be wrong, just asking.

[formflier]

What matters is YOU, is this the life you want?  I don't see that in your posts.  Could be wrong, just asking.

Great question.  Let me give it some thought and I'll try to get back to it later this afternoon.

Honesty:  I haven't thought about what I "want" in a while...it's good to  "go there".

Best,

FF

[Blue Monday]

Thanks both, it really helps to know others feel the same.

I am still unclear as to what action to take that is best for me.

I know that, right now, with my own grief, my job loss, I do not have the resilience and perhaps more importantly, the inclination to support him through realisations and cycles.

It is him that is ultimately responsible for the way he behaves violently, not his anger, nor alcohol.

I have had over increasing months, the feeling of, 'this (the drama) is simply not my journey any more. Funnily enough, he agrees (when he is calm).

At times I doubt whether he does have BPD traits as he seems to act so 'normally' and does take responsibility. But then, the irrationality and extremity of his behaviour under stress is so typical.

Formflier, having read a fair few of your posts over the past 6 months, your advice seems so balanced and it's clear, that you have worked consistently to clean up your own language and have great strategies for mitigating episodes. And we all have a  limit. And we all have needs.

I've noticed that I was feeling a certain amount of stress because I am not yet resolved with how to handle things forthwith and I was fearing that this would never be the case. Then yesterday, I began to remember all the times in the past when I have 'known'. Then I spoke to a friend who has known me 37 years and seen me through various relationships and she reminded me that I do have my own mind, I do have courage and I will know. Just knowing that I will get to a decision, because, I've managed it for 43 years of my 48 year old has helped.

I am fortunate in that I feel in a fairly strong position currently, I do need to put myself first for the foreseeable and I feel satisfied that I have given of my best .

with love

BM

[drained1996]

FF, that was directed towards the OP, but since you bit...we're here to listen to all as you know.  Though I feel it's a good idea for you both to think about and share your feelings when comfortable.