elderly uBPD mom...taking the car keys

[Our abuse recovery guide]

This is my first post, my heart is pounding. I am sorry if this is long...
My 81 year-old mother I believe has undiagnosed/untreated BPD; I recognize now this explains her confusing and verbally abusive behavior that I've endured all my life (I'm 52). She has alienated most of her family, has no friends, hobbies or social support, and it's now up to me and one sister who lives nearby to try to handle most of her basic needs. My mother lives alone (by choice, she is so proud of her independence) and now she is even more isolated due to COVID stay at home orders. She blames her kids for "doing this to her", we are "all against her" and we don't "behave like good daughters should". She takes no responsibility for her actions, it's all "poor me" and everyone else's fault.
A little background...three months ago she fell (for the 4th time in 6 years) and hit her head. A week later, she let phone scammers steal all her financial info from her computer. So I took the computer away. A month after that, she had planned elective "outpatient" surgery that ended up as a week-long hospital stay followed by 5 weeks in an assisted living facility (because we couldn't trust her to follow doctors orders at home alone). While she was out of her house, I took her car keys...not only because she's not supposed to be driving due to post-operative orders, but also because of COVID, and most importantly she is severely visually impaired (she couldn't pass the DMV eye test last time, but got a doctor's waiver to keep her license). She should not be driving. Period. There have been many small fender benders, and she even hit and killed a dog.
Now she has noticed that her car keys are gone, and she is asking for her computer back. I know she misses the internet (she has an online shopping problem), YouTube, etc. But I just don't trust she isn't going to get scammed again, or start shopping again (spending hundreds every month while saying she can't afford groceries or her electric bill). Most importantly, I currently have password access to all her critical financial/medical info, and if she changes passwords, I won't be able to keep tabs on things. She is still handling her bills for now (although she double-paid some bills right after she hit her head).
So...my question is...how do I say NO to the computer and the driving? I've been practicing some techniques I've learned on this site for my brief interactions with her, and it has been better lately. But we haven't touched on any difficult topics. I can just hear her now saying what an ass I am and that I've ruined her life by taking away the things she enjoys.
I recognize that losing control and independence is really hard, even for a parent without BPD. But I have to find a manageable way to continue to meet her basic needs (groceries, etc) without the impact her tantrums have on me (and my sister). She wants to live alone, but fires/alienates any household help.
I'd appreciate your insight into how to say NO on these difficult, life-changing topics.

[struggling-w-mom]

This is my first post, my heart is pounding. I am sorry if this is long...
My 81 year-old mother I believe has undiagnosed/untreated BPD; I recognize now this explains her confusing and verbally abusive behavior that I've endured all my life (I'm 52). She has alienated most of her family, has no friends, hobbies or social support, and it's now up to me and one sister who lives nearby to try to handle most of her basic needs. My mother lives alone (by choice, she is so proud of her independence) and now she is even more isolated due to COVID stay at home orders. She blames her kids for "doing this to her", we are "all against her" and we don't "behave like good daughters should". She takes no responsibility for her actions, it's all "poor me" and everyone else's fault.
A little background...three months ago she fell (for the 4th time in 6 years) and hit her head. A week later, she let phone scammers steal all her financial info from her computer. So I took the computer away. A month after that, she had planned elective "outpatient" surgery that ended up as a week-long hospital stay followed by 5 weeks in an assisted living facility (because we couldn't trust her to follow doctors orders at home alone). While she was out of her house, I took her car keys...not only because she's not supposed to be driving due to post-operative orders, but also because of COVID, and most importantly she is severely visually impaired (she couldn't pass the DMV eye test last time, but got a doctor's waiver to keep her license). She should not be driving. Period. There have been many small fender benders, and she even hit and killed a dog.
Now she has noticed that her car keys are gone, and she is asking for her computer back. I know she misses the internet (she has an online shopping problem), YouTube, etc. But I just don't trust she isn't going to get scammed again, or start shopping again (spending hundreds every month while saying she can't afford groceries or her electric bill). Most importantly, I currently have password access to all her critical financial/medical info, and if she changes passwords, I won't be able to keep tabs on things. She is still handling her bills for now (although she double-paid some bills right after she hit her head).
So...my question is...how do I say NO to the computer and the driving? I've been practicing some techniques I've learned on this site for my brief interactions with her, and it has been better lately. But we haven't touched on any difficult topics. I can just hear her now saying what an ass I am and that I've ruined her life by taking away the things she enjoys.
I recognize that losing control and independence is really hard, even for a parent without BPD. But I have to find a manageable way to continue to meet her basic needs (groceries, etc) without the impact her tantrums have on me (and my sister). She wants to live alone, but fires/alienates any household help.
I'd appreciate your insight into how to say NO on these difficult, life-changing topics.

[Methuen]

Oh man struggling-w-mom, I'm feeling for ya.

Your story and my story have a lot in common.  I'm 57.  uBPD mom, who lives alone.  I'm an only child - live 10 min away from mom.  My mom is 84, has a history of falls, osteoporosis, eating disorder, almost blind, nearly deaf, qualified for assisted living, and refused it (while she was recovering from a fall that resulted in 4 fractures and she couldn't walk).  Proud to be living independently.  Wears it like a badge.  Blames me for all her problems.  Relies on H and I for everything, but historically, nothing we do is ever good enough.  Never a please or thank you.  Never an apology after one of her rages.  Blah blah blah right?

About the driving, instead of you being that "bad person" that takes away her car keys, is it possible for you to pay her Dr a visit confidentially, and explain the situation?  Once Dr receives a "tip" like this, s/he can do a "medical test" (mostly cognitive, but also physical reaction times etc) the next time she visits for an appt, and if she fails the test, then it's the dr that gets to tell her she can't drive anymore.  Docs are used to this.  It's part of their job.  Taking away her car keys shouldn't be on family (especially with BPD in the mix).  Very important your mom doesn't find out you spoke to her dr about driving if you decide to try this.

About the financial stuff, has she given anyone POA?  About 7 years ago, my mom asked me to be her POA because anything to do with banking and money decisions stressed her out.  She has acute anxiety.  Shakes like a leaf 24/7.  Back then, she didn't hate me quite so much yet.  Do you think she would be interested in letting you pay her bills to make life easier for her?  It would be one less thing she has to do.  That way you can keep tabs on things, and not have to take her computer away maybe?  Not sure if that idea is helpful now, but it is still something that could be helpful for the future.  Enduring POA's become really important at some point.  Six months ago after a bad fall and my mom was dysregulating, she uttered words suggesting it was "too much for me" to be her POA.  Veiled threats.  Never a dull moment without drama with a BPD parent.

About the online shopping problem, I don't know what to say.  When she says she can't afford groceries or her electric bill, is that truth, or just typical BPD hyperbole?  My mom always exaggerates negative/dark side (usually her friends are dying - but they aren't), so I'm wondering if it's just your mom's way of complaining that she would rather be spending her money on fun things than on necessities.  Attention-seeking kind of stuff.  Any chance that's it?  What do you think?

Taking her computer away seems like a sure-fire way to bring the toxic garbage dump onto you cs. you're the bad daughter taking away her computer right?

Have you ever seen a counsellor or therapist?  Many of us here do, and for me it has really helped ( find one who is a good fit for you).  Someone like that will probably have the experience to suggest how to cope with the financial stuff if your mom has financial issues which add to your stress load. I don't feel I have much to offer for suggestions on that front.

Find time to care for yourself.  Self-care is SOO important.  We're here for you.

[GaGrl]

Elderly parents challenges are tough -- add BPD and it is magnified.

My mom is not BPD, but she has a couple BPD traits. She is almost 94, cognitively sharp, physically frail with osteoporosis and back problems, plus thin skin that years easily. She has macular degeneration and is legally blind in one eye and failing in the other. She made the decision to stop driving about three years ago. Before my dad died, he totalled his car before announcing he would no longer drive -- and it was a follow-up visit to the doctor after the accident that spurred his decision. So yes -- get some help from the doctor.

I pay mom's bills, have a POA. I'm not sure what to say about the computer -- that's a tough one! I know I've had to point out to my mom that some phone calls were attempted scams.

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