Cognitive dissonance gone mad

[TheWire]

Hi All,

I recently have had a romantic relationship with someone diagnosed with BPD. If I'm honest, intellectually i knew that this was a bad idea but decided to let that be drowned out by the exciting emotional whirlwind of it all. I now just want clarity around what has actually happened and why. Any input would be appreciated.

I haven't seen her in a while due to being in lockdown due to COVID19 but have been communicating a lot through facetime, text etc. During one of these calls she was very drunk and said some rather nasty things that I won't go into but they were deeply personally offensive. I brushed them off but the next day I wanted to speak to her about them but she told me she would not as she knew she was a bad person and didn't want to be reminded of this. I tried to explain that I just wanted to understand why she would say the things she did and it did not make me think of her as a bad person.

Anyway it was unresolved, so fast forward a few days and she facetimes me again (drunk again) and I'm just not in the mood, she can sense this and asks if I'm upset with her and I say that I am, she gets very upset with this and I say i'm sorry but I'm not in the best of moods to have this call. She proceeds to hang up and sends me a message saying we can talk when I'm in a better mood and then blocks me on all social media platforms. From my perspective this seems an extreme reaction and I'm further hurt and confused.  Anyway i sent her a message explaining this and to her credit she apologised and unblocked me.

At first I thought things had returned to normal but I realised that I was mistaken. She was clearly withdrawing, messages were short and abrupt, excuses about why she hadn't called me or texted me were made but seemed to me disingenous, this was in contrast to an extreme amount of communication that had preceded. I repeatedly asked her if things were okay and whether she needed space (over a period of about 4 days) and she kept denying anything. In the end I sent her a heartfelt message explaining that I just needed clarity about what was going on which agin to her credit she responded to.

Her explanation was that she had a change of heart and she felt she couldn't be her true self around me. To be fair I was definitely trying to help her modify some of her more self destructive behaviour though I tried to do it in as non-judgemental a way possible (i.e. just encouraging her to eat properly). I do understand in retrospect that maybe I was pushing her too much and this may have generated feelings of shame and judgement within her.

I was bewildered and extremely hurt, this was a 180, she had literally told me just days ago how she could never ghost me and how much she loved me. Having done a little bit of research I assume that this is splitting and that i'm no longer on the pedestal? I felt betrayed I had helped her through some stuff that I never in my life thought I would have to deal with (the police showed up at my house as a part of this situation).

I am left very sad but perhaps worse is the feeling of it being unreal or just a kind of fake connection generated by someone who was emotionally drowning and I was a convenient life raft and at some point I changed from a raft to just another wave in the sea of her emotions. Am I being too cynical?

I initally attempted to contact her after she sent the break up message and wrote a screed that even in my teenage years I would have cringed at, explaining how I felt and how special i thought she was. I now question that as well though, am I in love with a real person or is it simply an artifice? I feel as though there is a strong incongrity between her actions and her words and this dissonance has left me with some seriously unstable and painful feelings and has made me question the reality of our relationship.

It's a weird feeling, it's kind of like waking up from an extremely vivid dream and i'm left wondering what was real and what wasn't.

I also don't know what to expect going forward, is the disengagement permanent? What should I do if she does contact me again? My brain says run, my heart says the opposite. I don't know why i'm even writing this to be honest, I guess it's just a means of venting.

Thanks for reading and any pearls of wisdom or thoughts in general would be most welcome.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Ltahoe]

Sounds too familiar. Read my post about being in BPD jail  a lot of similarities in it. They don’t handle stress well, what they say is impulsive and sometimes has no merit. It’s a projection of what they’re feeling inside about themselves. Then when the anger”dysregulation” dissipates they realize they were awful and now can’t live with that, then they’re mad at you for making them act in a way that makes them feel guilty. It‘s really a trap for the non BPD and honestly the BPD too. You just think like a healthy adult and they don’t. I’ve come to realize land mammals and fish breathe two different ways you can’t tell a fish to breathe air out of water and a mammal to breathe air in water same with a BPD and non. Two different functioning brains. 

I’ve been through it for almost 10 years and no matter how much I read or inquire about BPD behavior still boggles my mind. I can stay poised most the time but a few times a year me and my wife have really nasty cycles. Thankfully she doesn’t have chemical problems. Idk what it is about this woman for you maybe her attractiveness, seductiveness but if I was in your shoes and my wife discarded me before we ever had life long commitments together I wouldn’t ever look back on that as a bad thing knowing what I know now.

[TheWire]

Hey Ltahoe, thanks for the reply.

I've just finished reading your BPD jail post and it sounds like an escalation of what I experienced. I can only imagine what it's like having a child with such an unstable person.

I think when you start to view a relationship as a power struggle you know it's not worth it, though of course with you there is a whole load of historical baggage, you have the fallacy of sunk costs running around your mind. I'm probably in no position to give advice but maybe for yourself and your child you should leave? Probably, not exactly what you want to hear but unless you both engage in some serious couples counselling and she actively wants to change than I don't see how things will improve?

I am trying to remind myself of how I felt before she was in my life, I was relatively happy, certainly not perfect but nothing like what I've been feeling as of late. I am upset with myself in terms of how much this woman has managed to unblance my life and my mind. I haven't been able to study lately as my mind just drifts and I'm rather annoyed at myself as it's something I used to be able to do with ease. I'm feeling incredibly anxious and frankly depressed. I feel like I've been toyed with and discarded. Yet there's another part of me that wants to fix it and for her to contact me so I can explain myself but in truth I know I didn't really do anything wrong or if I did, not enough to justify her reaction.

I honestly am trying to tell myself that she has done me a favour and I've dodged a bullet and that stories like yours are warnings of a future that I don't want. I loved her because she was very beautiful, smart and caring but then that seems like the nice side she initially presented and I've now been exposed to a more emotionally toxic reality. What makes it hard is that I've only seen that side once and it was in the form of her escalating a little situation and dumping me.

What's incredibly sad is that part of me wants her very badly to reach out and I have to argue with this side all the time which is why I'm here. Reading other peoples stories is weirdly therapuetic and brings me back to the truth.

[Ltahoe]

Trust me I think about leaving a lot. It’s all gone through my mind and I’m sure I will when I’m a little better suited. So when I see stories like yours or those who have seen this very dark side in the first year before you have other commitments with them, I tend to think the BPD leaving on their own isn’t such a bad thing.
Yeah you thought you found a good partner, what you invested was whole and sincere. So to just be up and left hurts, someone once told me that when the heart is involved the heart is involved meaning the length of time of the relationship isn’t as relevant as the heart. So I get it, it’s hard once you’re involved that way.


Yeah, it’s not fun not getting closure.  But look through the stories here and you’ll see a lot of us that have large commitments with BPD partners and that things often get worse not better. Then the more commitment we have the more control the BPD has over our lives. For me I’m married, huge money commitments, kids etc. So I walked in this relationship completely independent and now I’m almost as dependent as the pwBPD. For me leaving will be a huge lifestyle shock to everyone involved, my wife, kids, me. I face a high conflict and expensive drawn out divorce. All these things make me feel trapped and make it harder for me to just leave. I’m saying this not as a justification or a defense. But there’s always a chance my BPDw leaves before I’m situated and I will be in the same boat as you. No closure, some small or imagined problem, or better opportunity came along, maybe an impulsive decision who knows. Then I’ll be left standing there and still face all the problems, financial, relationships with kids. Plus I won’t be able to go no contact. This person is imbedded in my life forever and probably actively til our youngest is 18. So that’s kind of the warning to those who listen. You have to realize that this type of relationship you have with them may be the same parent child dynamic that plays out if you have a child with them.

I guess I referred to it as BPD jail because the pwBPD is punishing me. But psychological more so than physical, in her head that’s better or maybe just a way to do it that doesn’t make it apparent to the outside world. But truth is part of the BPD behavior is to split black/white  and I’m painted black. pwBPD can do this with anyone including their own children, coworkers, I noticed even situations such as jobs aren’t exempt.

Worst is my situation isn’t even as extreme as some of the threads here. Go look through some of the conflicted/tolerating it forums. Infidelity, financial ruin, drug abuse run rampant. I believe if you can get out with just your emotions and ego trashed and rightfully so, it’s not as bad as the potential fallout a decade later. Especially if these people went no contact for you even better. In all honesty though I’ve also learned that reverse psychology goes a long way with these people. Sounds twisted but if you go by their game it messes them up because they’re not getting the chaos they wanted. I also learned that validation can and does work and it gets confusing which one to use at which time. It’s like picking your battles when is validation and kindness appropriate and when is assertive and rigid behavior appropriate. When it comes to boundaries I think the later is necessary and when it comes to drama and chaos that serves no purpose then sure maybe the validation and kindness works. Easier said than done though.

You have to realize these people aren’t good at communicating either they will say one thing and do another. Say one thing one minute change their mind three minutes later has to do with a lack of self identity. There’s so much involved. I get it though when I met my wife she was everything you’d want on a woman, beautiful, kind, bubbly, giving the whole works like wow why wouldn’t anyone want her everyone would. It took me awhile to be painted black though as she always had others to paint black. She was a damsel in distress but her stories made sense. Her ex was controlling etc. Her ex played her etc. and the shoe really fit and there wasn’t much to question it was all apparent.  Her ex was already engaged to a girl substantially younger when I met my wife, a mere months out of their relationship so it would appear that perhaps he did play her. They all worked for the same company so the days she was disgruntled it was cause she had to deal with her ex and her exes fiancé who liked to start drama with her. But hey she painted them black and not me. I truly wonder how long it would’ve took for me to be painted black if she had no one else to.

In the end I suppose you have to realize that you can find closure in just knowing how these people are. It’s the way they are and nothing much you can do about it, nothing you did, not your job to save them. Them not giving closure to anyone and that it’s normal is basically the closure if that makes any sense. If you learn more you’ll realize Maybe these people just aren’t meant to do relationships but need the love and support, it’s a trap for them too. They’re incapable of being independent but can’t do a real relationship. In the end you probably got to have a relationship with a very beautiful woman, something a lot of men want even if it was a shorter duration than wanted.

I think that if she blocked you, you don’t have any recourse she’s gone for the time being. But if she was still communicating I would say doing the opposite of your instincts would be more appropriate in drawing her back.

[TheWire]

Thanks for the insight, I really appreciate it. I'm certainly not in that deep and I know the hurt will dissipate and i can as you say basically just walk away with a bruised ego and perhaps a slightly more of a cynical attitude. All in all compared to some of the stories I've read, I'm relatively unscarred.

Your situation sounds incredibly draining and the enmeshment sounds incredibly smothering. I felt like a parent to her to be honest, always giving advice and trying to soothe her emotional outbursts, it did raise red flags as it seems she hated a lot of people, more people than seemed normal to me...

I think what you describe as BPD jail would be less psychologically tortourous if it was permanent if there was no splitting if you were forever black and there was no white, it's the flipping that to me was most shocking.

As for how to best communicate with her or play games, I'm just not interested in doing that, In the immediate aftermath I was a bit emotionally desperate and might have been more tempted but I think she's gone and I don't think it better to just come to terms with that than to try and scheme my way back into her life.

I can definitely also relate to the ex bf situation, she had told me she had been a victim of domestic violence and she was in court dealing with her ex... I have no reason to disbelieve her but reading some stories here it does make me question that but I've always believed in giving the victim of that sort of trauma my full unfledged belief and support unless I get evidence to the contrary.

I do believe you're right, she has done me a favour, I will return to baseline in time and have avoided a long long list of issues that I would have had to deal with; addiction, self hatred, body dysmorphia, unstable self image, inability to communicate , impulsive spending, no career prospects, and an emotional roller coaster that literally changed every day. I put up with it because she was incredibly beautiful and kind to me personally and was very loving but a lifetime of that would no doubt leave me in likely the exact same unfortunate position as many others find themselves on this board. You want to believe that you can be different but that's likely a nice fantasy.

Good luck with your marriage and I wish I had some wisdom that I could share but maybe fortunately I'm not that experienced with these things.

[once removed]

hi TheWire, and

one of the first lessons here, and one ive had to learn time and time again in my life is recognizing when i am over pursuing, and when to pull it back.

im not sure she has split you...i think shes telling you this is not the kind of relationship she wants to have, and to pull back. and the more we can do that, the greater likelihood that once a person sees we have done so, they may reach out.

what led up to the breakup? how long ago was it? how much of what you are describing took place after it?

[TheWire]

Hi once removed, thanks for taking the time to respond.

I'm not pursuing her that was my initial instinct but now I've decided let it be what it is. I kind of suspect she had someone else on the backburner anyway and my guess would be she's now with that person, though I don't know that as I no longer follow her on social media. And i'm tempted to try and check but I'm trying to use all my will power not to.

You might be right about it not being the relationship she wants. I was probably a bit much in terms of getting her to change but I only responded to cues she gave me i.e. she told me she wanted to drink less or eat properly and i tried to encourage those behaviours. I think though she didn't really want to do these things and instead had told me she thought I wanted to hear and in the end felt she couldn't live up to these changes.

I've not been in contact for about 4 days now, the last thing i sent was a huge text professing my love and I kind of wrote it as a goodbye.

None of what I've described has taken place after the break up beyond the message I sent. What led up to it is her getting angry at me being upset at her about something she said when she was drunk and it just seemed to escalate from there (basically the stuff I descbribed in the intial post).

[TheWire]

This is more for my own venting I guess.

Got a call from a private number, I knew I shouldn't answer but did. It was her, she was by her own admission 1 bottle of gin deep and had taken some pills. It wasn't a coherent conversation as you can imagine. It ranged from her intially telling me that she was a psychopath to her saying she was an amazing person even when she's not doing the right thing. I didn't say much except to say I was confused and then she hung up on me.

I shouldn't have called back but I did because I was frustrated and upset, her sister picked up and told me that this wasn't the right time for me to talk to her and she'd seen her crying 4 times. I didn't argue and just said okay, i figured in a way she was right, she was obviously very drunk. Though the way she said it, felt like I was being accused of something, I had tried very hard to not contact her, supressing the impulse many a time.  Her sister followed up with a text from her phone telling me not to phone or text and I simply said I was just replying but okay. 

Most frustrating is the excitement of the initial contact and then crushing reality of it not at all being pleasant and it just being a communication with her sister who seems to have contempt for me for whatever reason.

I think I might need some sort of therapy because my reactions to this don't seem normal to me.

[once removed]

I think I might need some sort of therapy because my reactions to this don't seem normal to me.

you are grieving a loss. a deep loss, a significant loss, and a loss you may underestimate.

you may be deeper in this than you give it credit for.

i say that as somebody who tried, on and off, to get out of my relationship of 3 years, and was a devastated basket case for six months when she dumped me.

it sounds like your ex may be, or was in crisis. a bottle of gin + pills make for a lot of erratic behavior. i dont know that her sister has contempt for you (do you have reason to think she does?), shes probably seen this before, was handling the crisis, and attempting to explain it off, and advise you to give her sister a wide berth.

its wise to take and give some space right now.

re therapy, id encourage it for anyone going through a hard time, a difficult decision, whatever, and many members here have tried it, to their benefit in recovery. its a great adjunct for the support you can get here.

[TheWire]

Thanks again once removed. I guess i do underestimate it. Very different to my previous break ups, sure I was down but this is a foreign feeling. I guess my previous relationships kind of came to a more natural end or i could better rationalise why they ended exactly.

I guess she was having a crisis that night, when she does drink she has very little control, especially when emotions have been running high for her.

I've always thought the sister and I got on pretty well. I could be reading too much into things but her tone was harsh and not exactly how I would have spoken if I was trying to get someone to give my sister space. She's since unfriended me on various social media platforms. I'm not hugely bothered by it except I do wonder if my ex has said things to her that paint me as someone I'm not?

Either way I'm trying very hard to let things lie and trying to remind myself that I was actually pretty content prior to this relationship.

I've decided I will get therapy because i'm not really coping. I have to move in the next few days but once I've done that, I'll sort it out.

I appreciate your advice and kind words.

[once removed]

Thanks again once removed. I guess i do underestimate it. Very different to my previous break ups, sure I was down but this is a foreign feeling. I guess my previous relationships kind of came to a more natural end or i could better rationalise why they ended exactly.

we have an article here on surviving a breakup with someone with BPD traits. it is for people who are in the stages of detaching, but i think its applicable:

Breaking Up Was Never this Hard
Is this because you partner was so special?

Sure they are special and this is a very significant loss for you - but the depth of your struggles has a lot more to do with the complexity of the relationship bond than the person.

In some important way this relationship saved or rejuvenated you. The way your “BPD” partner hung on to your every word, looked at you with admiring eyes and wanted you, filled an empty void deep inside of you.

Your “BPD” partner may have been insecure and needy and their problems inspired your sympathy and determination to resolve and feel exceptional, heroic, valuable.

As a result, you were willing to tolerate behavior beyond what you've known to be acceptable. You’ve felt certain that “BPD” partner depended on you and that they would never leave. However challenging, you were committed to see it through.

Unknown to you, your BPD partner was also on a complex journey that started long before the relationship began. You were their “knight in shining armor”, you were their hope and the answer to disappointments that they have struggled with most of their life.

Together, this made for an incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

this is important to understand even if you seek to get back together.

i'm not really coping.

i had a really hard time, myself. i lost my dad a little over two years ago, and while i would say that was the hardest time of my life, i handled it, coped with it a lot better than my breakup. i became a lot more resilient person as a result of my relationship recovery, and i can tell you whatever happens, things get better.

whats going on? tell us more.