Ready to leave but still conflicted

[Gibson56]

Hi All,

This is my first post.  I believe my wife has BPD traits mixed with some NPD.  She is undiagnosed but all the traits are there.  We've been married 17 years, together 22 years.  We have 2 children 16 and 11. 

I have watched her slowly change over the years.  She at first idealized me, treated me like a king, and thought I was the greatest guy in the world.  For several years we had what seemed like a wonderful relationship.  It was some of the best times of my life.  She was so sweet and caring.  Very giving and wanted to make sure I was happy.  We shared everything.  I thought I had found true love and we would be together forever.

The past 10 years have been steady devaluing and growing apart.  I have been worn down by her silent treatment, rages, double standards, smear campaigns, projection, and gas lighting.  She always said I was the problem, blames everything on me.  I do have some depression and codependency.  But I've been working on that in therapy for a while now.  All the nice things she used to do stopped.  We live like roommates now, separate beds, don't spend much time together at all.

Last summer things got worse.  She has become addicted to online gaming and started an online affair with some other man.  It got way out of control and I ended up moving out for 3 months late last year when she refused to end it.  At the time she was pushing for divorce and trying to "replace" me with the other man.  I was completely split black at the time and she rewrote history saying our entire relationship had been bad.  I sent divorce papers but she refused to sign.

After her idealization of new guy started to wear off she started charming.  I didn't want to give in, but I did.  So I moved back in since 5 months ago.  I asked for no contact, couples counseling, and for us to share a bed.  Guess what?  None of that has happened though she promised.  First 2 months were okay she was starting to split me white again but now we're right back to where we were.  Just a few days ago I hear her talking to new guy on the phone saying she is thinking about him.  She also plays online games for 4-6 hours a day so I get rather lonely and bored.

I'm at the end of my rope, I don't think things will get better.  I've given up hope at this point.  I'm ready to get my own place again and just live alone for a while.  I want to start over.  A small part of me wants to stay for the kids or for the tiny chance that she would stay in therapy for more than a couple weeks and get better.  I really do love this person and for years I wanted to help but now I realize there's nothing I can do and it's so very tragic.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Gibson56, and

my heart goes out to you. its absolutely tragic.

there are a lot of moving parts here. do you want us to help you to exit the relationship, or if you knew there were a possibility, would you prefer to reconcile?

a good place to start would be to read this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

what stage would you say the relationship is in?

[Gibson56]

Thanks for reading my story.  We're definitely at stage 4.  I've been able to maintain a mostly positive image of her for a long time but I think I've just been through too much at this point.  Now I do feel some contempt for her and I stay in my room most of the day to avoid her.

A small part of me still wants to reconcile.  I love my kids.  When things are going well she sort of ignores me.  As soon as I'm resolved to move on and start a new life, that's when she is sweet and pulls me back.  But only during that short window.  And then it's back to normal for her.

Just tired of the rollercoaster, push and pull.  And all the lies.  On Monday I heard her recording a webcam video of herself to send to new guy telling him how much she loves him.  I confront her about it - she gets upset at me for being upset.  I tell her I'm leaving - she says she's been good to me why would I want to leave?  *sigh*

[juju2]

Am sad you are going thru this.

With kids I think it makes the chouces harder.

My older daughter went into such a tailspin.  She was 9 and daddy's little girl.

For 4 years dealing with her and the divorce just about finished me off.

Instead of getting relief from a toxic marriage, I unleashed horrible x10.

No one could have forseen the extent.

Is there any way a healing separation would be something to try.

The flirting seems to go with bpd.

Hang in there.
j

[Gibson56]

Thanks.  Yes she has always been a flirt and seeking attention.  However this time she took it way too far.  This guy knows so much about me and our family.  He has threatened to hurt me and call the cops on me.  I don't really know him and it's very strange.

I've been looking at an apartment 15 minutes down the road.  I'm doing a tour of the place tomorrow.  I'm trying to frame it to her as a healing separation for now.  We don't have to divorce right away.  She turns it on me and says I'm abandoning her.  She gets cold and tells me I should just leave now.  It makes it a lot harder and makes me feel guilty.

My daughter (16) understands the situation and wants to move in with me.  I'm a little worried about my son (11).  I'm sorry to hear it was hard on your daughter I hope you found relief after all.  That's all I'm looking for - some relief and peace from the storm.  I actually like it when things are stable and boring


 

[once removed]

the first thing to know is that couples rarely make it back from stage 4.

it happens. its a very uphill battle that will take a radical, fundamentally different approach; you would need to be prepared for that, you would need major support both here, from friends and family, and probably professionally as well.

none of that, if you did everything "perfectly", would be a guarantee. but it does happen.

it also often requires a "make or break" moment...an ultimatum, joint professional help, a trial separation...not recommending any of those things, just giving some examples. 

[juju2]

Shameless flirting.

It was a part of our life, w BPD.

I believe it's from lack of boundaries, lack of behaviour awareness, lack of compassion for their partner, and no consequences ..
All of it is perfectly or not so perfectly wrapped up in the diagnosis BPD.

Attention seeking, rules don't apply.

To read my posts it all sounds so bad.  It wasn't.  There is a lot of good.

If we had kids together, I think I would try everything to hold it together.  Because I have no clue what they are capable of, how far they can spiral down.

If we can be the strong ones, providing structure, stability.  All the stuff you are already doing.

[Gibson56]

Thanks for the all the support.  I ended up getting the apartment and I'm in the process of setting it up.  I've stayed here the past couple nights.  After everything, I feel like I did all that I could.  I was too worn out and too tired from constant crazy behavior.  Respect to anyone who is actually able to work this out.  I don't see how it could work for my situation at all at this point.  I'm hoping to have some peace in my new place though I miss my kids and for some reason her - a little bit.

[once removed]

i hope youll stick around...youre going to need support in the aftermath, the neat future, and the distant future.

how are you holding up?

[Gibson56]

Thanks, I've been visiting the site for at least a year but hadn't posted until a couple weeks ago.  On the surface it feels different this time.  I'm really resolved to take a step back and focus on my life now.  It seems like last year when I moved out for a few months it was a turning point that broke some of my remaining codependency.  I don't feel very codependent anymore.  I'm doing just fine, setting everything up in my new place and taking it one day at a time.

[haitch]

Hi,

Saw you posted on my thread then noticed you had one too.
Our situations have some similarities.

I hope you are doing well? As well as can be anyway. It sounds like you are realising that you have no choice but to move on; would that be a true statement? And that is exactly what you are doing.

I'm in a similar situation where I do not want to leave my partner. I love her with all my heart. She's who I want to be with forever. Yet, I cannot take anymore lies, deceit and disrespect. I'm confused at what to do.

Keep in touch let us know how you are doing.

[Gibson56]

I'm doing just fine.  Last year when I moved out I was missing her and thinking about her constantly.  I would go to work and not be able to focus because of my thoughts.  So far this time I'm not thinking about her much at all.  I think I'm resolved to move on this time and I don't see that feeling changing.  I kept telling myself "this is the last straw" until there were so many last straws.  And then the webcam video and I'm like "I'm out!".  Every situation is different though.  I still feel like if you guys could continue to go to couples counseling there could be some progress.