How to handle disappointing her

[cosmical]

I try so hard to be perfect for her. Yesterday I spend a good 6 hours doing chores for her on Warcraft, doing high skill stuff that nobody else could really do for her. During this time I make 2 mistakes which were barely even mistakes. For context this was doing some high level raid for her to help her get into a better guild. I ended up dying on two occasions due to a really unfortunate set of circumstances. This is stuff I could not really avoid unless I was clairvoyant, but she says I was taking too many risks and not being careful enough. She says it was a mistake asking me to do these things for her. She says she forgives me but I can tell by her tone she is just saying this in a "I don't want to talk to you right now, leave me alone" kind of way.

I just wanted to do something nice for her, and I was absolutely not being careless. I can't explain what happened without being accused of "explaining", and if I apologize then I feel like I'm just agreeing with her that I'm careless and that she shouldn't ask me to do things for her again.

I really don't know what to do in this situation. I hate knowing that right now she is pissed at me and doesn't want to look at me. I hate that she doesn't give me the benefit of the doubt when things like this go wrong. Why is it her first instinct to get angry and demonize me instead of assuming that something really hard to foresee happened? When the roles are reversed I always make her know that I don't blame her and that what happened wasn't her fault, even when sometimes it was.

I thought about telling her it's not cool to make me feel like I'm a failure, but from experience if I go down this route it leads to drama and her feeling like a "monster". Whatever reassuring I need from her that she doesn't view me as a careless, useless failure I don't think I can get right now. So I decided to post here instead.

How do you handle disappointing your BPD partner?

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[cosmical]

Also what are the emotions that she is feeling right now?

I have read walking on eggshells but it's still astounding to me that I can go from her favorite person in the world to nothing in the space of one mistake, which occurred in a video game no less. I don't understand how she can forget everything good about me and only see our last interaction (which she is viewing through a very warped lens).

[cosmical]

Well I gave her space for 2 days and the situation hasn't changed. I'm honestly feeling so angry right now. What gives her the right so come back into my life again (for the third time), tell me she loves me, wants to spend 24/7 together and then after a few weeks wants nothing to do with me over some simple video game mistake that I apologized for (I felt really guilty over it even if it was just a case of sh*t happens).

I just don't understand. Things seemed to be going so well between us since we started talking again. No drama, arguments, jealousy or anything. Then out of nowhere this. I just can't wrap my mind around it even though I am no stranger to BPD at this point. I know she is depressed over losing her job so maybe she is devaluing me to make herself feel better? I really don't know.

I find it really hard to deal with. I know that whatever I need from her I can't get right now but it's so hard not to get angry and/or frustrated. I talked to her earlier today even though I promised myself I wouldn't. I told her it was completely unfair of her to come back into my life, tell me she loves me and then ditch me like I'm nothing, and that I'm not going to be there for her if she things she can keep doing this (yes I know this is a completely pointless thing to say but I couldn't stop myself). She replied that she didn't realize she had to spend all day with me (apparently I'm supposed to just not notice when she goes from spending all day with me to acting like I don't exist and expecting any kind of continuity is just being needy). She also said she thought I understood that she needs space and that she was about to ask me to play with her, but because I was causing drama again that it's a bad idea. I really really doubt that she was, but she always finds a way to take the high ground in everything. In fact I'm sure that she convinced herself she was going to ask me, even if she wasn't. I have witnessed her defensive mechanisms in action before and they are something else... like she will never take responsibility for anything because she always finds a way to devalue the other person to the point where her self image is protected.

I really don't know what to think. I keep swinging between being disgusted at myself for being needy, and then being super mad at her for doing me this way. I just want to tell her to leave me alone for good... but I know I would regret it. Feeling so trapped right now cos I love her but I just don't know why she has to do me like this. Like I understand borderline rage and I can patiently wait for that to pass, but completely devaluing me over one stupid thing, when I was taking 6 hours out of my day to help her, and then excluding me from our games and our friends... this is not cool