Running out of enthusiasm for this?

[xadingo]

How do you keep working on a relationship when there is no end to the struggle in sight? 

A little background. (Sorry if this is a little hard to follow, just had a major fight yesterday and summarizing a decade makes me a little sketchy.) I've been married for almost 13 years now and have an 11 year old son.  I'm fairly confident that my wife has BPD even though I can't get her to actually talk to a therapist. For me, I've been on the therapy band wagon for 3ish years now.  My therapist was the first to suggest my wife might have bpd so the concept is still fairly new to me.  Anyway, when we were dating things were pretty great.  She was dynamic and passionate.  We had arguments, but the were explosive and we made up and frankly, I was fine with that even though I didn't always understand what started the argument.  (Probably a red flag there.) Over there years though, it seems like stress and insecurity have increased for her and she's pretty much running the textbook set of plays that I've read about here and other places.  Currently, she's on day 2 of a silent treatment.  (She's currently mad because I recorded us talking after she said I should record ourselves. Anyway, I thought it was a dumb idea at the time and now I feel like a sucker and still like it was a dumb idea...  I don't know why I would think her actually hearing herself would help. If it did, things like logic would help too. Anyway, all that aside...) Historically, the silent treatment bothered me a lot but over time, as I've done my own self work and as I've honestly stopped caring as much, it's actually kind of a break.  Which loops me back to the question, how do you keep trying?  Right now, I don't really want to re-engage with her.  The person I feel bad for is my son.  He's a perceptive little guy which works for and against him here. And my wife tends to be extra nice to him when she's doing junk like this. That strikes me as unhealthy for him though too and I know he wants to be able to fix it.  I've told him over and over that everyone is responsible for their own emotions and that the best thing you can do is focus on your own actions.  But he's a kid and he wants to help.

Anyway, what to do?  I'm fine.  Not thrilled with the situation, but fine.  I'd love to get the girl I dated back, but I don't know if that's possible. I want what's best for my son more than anything. 
 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[KeepingHope]

Brand new here myself.  I can definitely understand your situation.  For myself, I keep fighting for our marriage because I still love her and I feel it is the right thing for me to do.  I feel that even when times are tough she still needs me to keep up my end of the commitment and I would hope for her to do the same for me when I am struggling with something.  You know, better or worse, rich or poor, etc.  But you do have to take care of yourself too.  So that is just how I feel, you may feel differently.

Have you tried to get her to go to your therapist?  Probably not a good idea while the silent treatment is going on.  But, if you invite her to your appointment and she can witness you working with the therapist maybe she would start to be open to it.  I would refrain from issues in your relationship at first while she is there.  Just let her get a glimpse of therapy and you.  If that works you could build on it by working with her to solve something.  I would talk to the therapist first though.  I am just another guy stuck in a similar place as you.

[xadingo]

Thanks for jumping in KeepingHope.  Can I ask how long you've been at it?  I totally understand what you're saying about the commitment.  My desire to keep my commitment has carried me through years.  I just keep thinking that we have so little time in this world and the marks we make don't really last in the grand scheme anyway. In the end, who is going to appreciate the suffering at the sacrifices? 
That is a great idea about inviting her along to my session.  If/when she starts talking again I'll do that.  

[KeepingHope]

We have been together 23 years now, married for almost 19.  It is hard sometimes, I can definitely understand.  We have been close a couple times, including right now, to ending our relationship.  We have also had a lot of great times too.  I am still trying to learn the best ways to handle some of the things and encourage improvement.  I have definitely messed up on occasion but I keep trying to improve myself and hope for the best.
As for who will appreciate your sacrifice, I think the only answer is you.  You have to feel good about yourself and the choices and actions you are making.  I guess it is possible that she could appreciate that you were there for her if she can make progress in herself.  I would not expect it though because that may never happen.

[xadingo]

23 years, that's a long run.   Sorry to hear you are in a rough patch too.  I wonder how much the stress of the pandemic is setting off the BPD holders of the world.  I'm pretty sure not being able to take a break during the argument made this multi-day fight possible.