Alternate Universe

[Tanager]

My life moves between two alternate universes. An example: Yesterday morning my husband was helping my 24 year old bpd daughter with a computer issue. Things didn't go well and she flooded. She called him abusive, and decided the familiar accusations of childhood trauma she experienced growing up.

Later in the day she showed me a beautiful handmade card she is making her dad for father's day. We went on a walk with her dog. We had pleasant conversations. She talked about happy childhood memories.

I'm exhausted just coping with the alternate universes. We weren't perfect parents, but  we sure tried to be good ones.  Sometimes I lay awake at night in pain. The only thing that gets me through is my older daughter reassuring me, "Mom, that never happened." My husband tells me it's her illness talking.

I think my daughter truly believes she grew up in a toxic home.  How can her recollections be so different from mine?  Why does she want to even live here?  Why does she ask for our advice and help and still want to play board games with her family?

We love our daughter so much. How can we help her without losing our health and about to function?  Every day brings a new crisis it seems.  Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[GoblinMom]

My daughter is the same age as yours and does the same thing..  She talks about little things being trauma,atic.  Things that my son can't even remember.

I think that they are so very sensitive they interpret things differently than we do. They can see little changes in facial expressions as mood swings, anger, etc

When she gets angry I try to remember what it's doing to her.  That she's in pain and it helps me to stay calm because she needs me.

[mggt]

Hang in there. It’s very tough dealing with bpds. They have memories of things that never happened. Our d says things to us that never happened.    Then my h and I start doubting ourselves. Asking each other did we do that did we say that. It’s not us.  Instead it’s the terrible disease they have. All of us on these boards are wonderful parents. Are we perfect. Noo. But we are still on these boards looking for answers. Maybe not answers. Just someone who knows what we  are going through. Sending hugs.  But mostly understanding.

[GoblinMom]

I'm looking for answers.

[wavewatcher]

The only answer I know at this point with my dd26 is that when she goes up, I go down. Everything said below on this thread happens here. And when she starts to escalate, which is pretty much on a daily basis, I validate the heck out of what she is saying, even though it may or may not be true. At this point I will do about anything to keep the peace. Counter-intuitive? Yes. But like LivedandLearned says (another thread), most of what we do with our BPD's that helps is counter-intuitive. A good day is a day without her screaming at us.  And compassion is helpful, too. For all of us!

[Tanager]

Thank you so much for the insightful responses to my post. I appreciate the advice and most of all knowing I'm not alone.  Wishing the best to all.

[mombun]

This is exactly the reason why I came looking for a support group (although apparently I signed up here sometime in the past and forgot, but my computer had a name and password saved).

My daughter is 19 and for a few years she was making up stories of awful abuse by me and total denial by my husband. Things came to a head last August and she had to move in with my mother in law.

Since then, things have improved dramatically. She still can't hold a job, but she's been less impulsive, more emotionally stable, doesn't lash out like she used to, etc.

Then suddenly over the past 4-5 days things went downhill again. She says she can't live with Gramee anymore, wants us to stop paying on her storage unit so they'll just sell her stuff, she wants us to take her cat, and she just wants to be homeless. She refuses to reach out for any help.

Then yesterday the accusations of abuse started again. She just told me recently that her friends are jealous of how supportive her parents are, and how much she appreciates that we're still helping her even though she's given us every reason to turn our backs on her. Now she's back to the stories of physical and emotional abuse that are simply not true.

She says we were very critical of her, which I don't agree with, but I can see that her heightened emotions may have perceived my logical approach as criticism. I am totally willing to admit to not knowing how to deal with her properly. But why the allegations of abuse? Isn't it enough that I do take responsibility for the mistakes I did make?

I just don't know how to go on with her battering me emotionally.

[incadove]

Hi Alternate Universe

I feel what you are saying, how it can go from one day that you are the only hope and the next they cannot handle staying in touch.

It sounds like your dd is having a huge problem coping with her emotions, and that its tremendously affecting you - the 'battering me emotionally' is a powerful way of saying it.

I think this is maybe where some of the 'Radical Acceptance' work could help?  Like just accepting that her reactions are what they are, that you have no control over them; and at the same time maybe taking some comfort in that you are doing the best you can figure out how to take care of her.   Its hard for sure.  Maybe a little of becoming attached to the process, in a way, like the process of doing the best you can, and taking satisfaction from that, while knowing you don't have control over the final outcome?

Take care of yourself and good luck on your journey - glad you are here!