Hey dude. Congratulations on getting back out there! That's huge man! It's totally understandable that the first few dates your went on after your last relationship felt too soon. That's totally normal, for any relationship. But it's great news that you were able to get out there yesterday and have a nice time with another human being. I'm proud of you - you should be proud of yourself. This is really good progress.
I also think that it is totally normal for thought of your ex to pop up in early days of new dates. I really think this would happen to anyone coming out of a serious relationship and re-entering the world of romantics. It's completely understandable - you are writing a new chapter in your life-long discovery of love. Of course you have to pick yourself up from where the last chapter left off. It's part of the process, I think. What comes before can still matter to you, in a retrospective way - that's ok and normal! These things take a long time. Time on your own, and time with new people. It's a process - and you have just made a really big step. I know it can feel really weird, and can be unpleasant. You might feel like you just want to erase it so you can be fully fully present with the new girl 100% of the time. But life doesn't work like that, and nothing good comes easy, so don't be hard on yourself that thoughts of your ex popped up here and there. I think that is really normal, and part of moving on. It sounds like you did amazingly well to get to know this new chick, even though it naturally would have felt weird. This is a process that you haven't had to do in a long time! It's like when you leave school and you have to learn how to make friends again - it's really hard because you haven't had to work that muscle in years. It's all new territory so it's bound to feel weird, and there are bound to be some little obstacles that you have to learn how to navigate. But by the sounds of it, you are doing really well.
You can still appreciate the past, and still take this time to come to understand what it all means to you now, what you have learned from it, what you want to take with you going forwards and what you want to leave behind. It really is a learning process, it takes time, and experimentation. I know that's scary, because change and the unknown are scary. But you're not alone - this is part of the human condition.
I understand that the ending of your last relationship might give you fears about future ones. This is, as well, totally normal. I encourage you to try and separate who you are from the things that have happened to you. When something has happened, in a big way, or even many times in your life, it actually does not at all mean it will happen again. Often if we think it will, or if we think 'that's how it will always be' or 'this always happens to me' it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Remember that you are not the stories you tell yourself about who you are or how things go for you - they are just stories. We might think we are 'usually' this or 'always' that - but in reality we are totally unpredictable, and we can hold ourselves back by pushing ourselves in to boxes of what we think always happens to us. These are stories, not the truth, not the future!
One thing that you might want to remember going into new relationships is being interdependent. Obviously, when a new relationship begins, it is hugely exciting and we feel like we want to throw our entire beings into another person. But it is really useful to maintain independence from the beginning. Having inter-dependency is the key to any successful relationship, and one thing that can be difficult to achieve with those with BPD, as we can so often become enmeshed. I just read this article and I think it would be great for you to have a look at, and bear in mind and revisit as you go into new romantic endeavours:
https://www.bustle.com/p/how-to-make-your-relationship-more-interdependent-less-codependent-12613202Thank you for sharing, and once again - congratulations on the brilliant progress you have made. The things you are feeling are completely understandable, and I think, really quite normal too. You are DEFINITELY not alone in what you're going through! Be proud of yourself for managing to go on a date and actually enjoying many parts of it. Don't be hard on yourself for the thoughts of the past popping up - they are normal, and I think even maybe necessary in this long process of moving on. You've done your bit of the process on your own, now you are learning to continue it with other people. The journey isn't over yet, you've still got a lot to learn and discover about this process, so don't be hard on yourself when it doesn't all feel crystal clear. Life never is! You'll get there, and we're all here for you in the process. Big love man. Well done.
-h&c
