I am not sure how to proceed?

[loveantiques]

Hello there.

I have been dating a man for 7 months ( I am 56 He is 60). I have met a lot of his friends and they see that we are dating.

He has close friend that he has known for 6 years who is 50. In the beginning they dated. She has borderline personality disorder, depression and ocd.

He tells me they are friends now only. I have never met her and she does not know that he is dating me.  

He has shown me her facebook messages to him and told me about her. It is clear to me from the information he has shared with me and what I observed from her facebook posts that she is obsessed in love with him and still thinks that they are partners in a relationship. He has never been honest with her about that not being the case.

When we go on dates somewhere he always has to tell her that his is doing something else other than dating with me. He always goes to a library to email her during our dates or uses my computer at home to contact her when he is here.

He keeps lying to her. He tells me she would have another suicide if she knew he is dating someone.

Recently he told me that she wants him to live with her and marry her. He says he is not in love with her but feels responsible to stay her friend and help her. When he is not seeing me he is with her a lot.  He stays at her place on the couch overnight a lot she cooks for him, she even does his laundry. He says they are not physically involved and he can never live with or be in a romantic relationship with her.

I am feeling like the other woman.

During our relationship she has had several suicide attempts when he has been out with me for more than one day.

I want her to know about our dating relationship and help him help her to understand that she will always have his friendship but that a romantic relationship is not possible between them.

I can be her friend too and perhaps help her get the right support/therapy for her condition which is lacking.

I am so upset with his lying to her and keeping up the delusions that they will someday live together when it is never going to happen. She needs honesty and support to process those facts.

During covid we have not seen each other in person as I made the choice to self isolate and take the time to sort out my feelings plus I was sick. He has been spending a lot of time with her during this time and she has had an episode of attempted suicide.

I have told him that if she loves him maybe he might decide that he loves her too and I would accept that. If so they could give a relationship together a go and I would bow out and become a friend only.

This drama is really upsetting for me and I feel sorry for her and feel that I am hurting her and myself by still dating him.

I think he needs to admit that he is so emotionally divided between the two of us.

What can I do to make things better for all of us?

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[once removed]

wow. this is tough.

your partner is in it deep. its not clear that he necessarily has romantic feelings for her, but he has an emotional attachment and involvement that clearly comes at the expense of your relationship.

upfront, thats hard to compete with, and hard to change, and the harder you try, you may position yourself out of the relationship.

so this calls for a very sober assessment of where things are, where things are going, where you want them to go, and what, if anything, you can do about it.

generally speaking, you dont want to try to do too much at once, or rock too many boats. a good place to start, just for example, may be suggesting, and being firm, that you dont want to hear about her anymore. dont just throw that out there. have a conversation about it. be upfront. tell him how you feel. focus on solutions. listen, and report here what he says. it may be a conversation you need to have a few times, before you start laying out whats unacceptable to you, and whats within reason, and within your limits.

what do you think?

[loveantiques]

Thank you so much for your reply,

It has been very difficult for me because I am so sorry for the his friend who believes that he is her partner and that he will marry her. We were talking earlier this week and actually arguing because his friend spent all her money she gets from disability at the end of April for May. He told me he was going to stay with her tonight and was going to give her money to go out and buy groceries and stuff for the dinner they were going to have together at her place. I warned him to not give her any money. like times before I said if she needs groceries he needs to go with her and let her pick stuff and then he can pay for it. This way she will not have the money to spend buying pills to mix and  attempt suicide with. He says she needs something to do and she enjoys going shopping. well just like times before he gave her the money. When he went over to her place he went in  as he has keys she was not home the drugstore bag was on the table and he knew then that she had taken pills. He called the hospital and sure enough she called 911 like the times before they take her in pump her stomach. She is there alive but does not wish to speak to him. The cycle continues.

I cannot tell him that I do not want to hear about her because I know he is her friend and feels guilty about how she helped him in the past and he will not abandon her.

She needs help but the hospital says they cannot do anymore for her as she has been there so many times.

I want him to stop lying to her about are relationship. I want him to stop deluding her into thinking that they have a future together. I want him to stop giving her money when she runs out because this gives her the funds to have another attempt. I want her to know about me and meet me and maybe I can help her and encourage her to get some therapy to help her move forward with her life. What can I do to help stop the cycle.  Planning dinner together and having her cook for him just fuels her romantic delusions.

This is impacting our relationship. What can I do?

[once removed]

well just like times before he gave her the money.

I cannot tell him that I do not want to hear about her because I know he is her friend

the hard part about this is that you really dont have a say, or a voice. he is, for now at least, going to do what he is going to do. involving yourself, advising him, is mainly going to frustrate you.

i dont think that you should tell him you dont want to hear about it. no one would take kindly to that. i do think that you should, as much as possible, emotionally disentangle from the situation. the more involved you are in it, the more you prop it up and perpetuate it.

does that make sense?

[loveantiques]

Thank you for your reply I am not sure that staying out of it makes sense. I feel that she is not getting the support she needs because his enabling her and i cannot stand idil by and see that happen. I want her to continue on with living life and not make all these suicide attempts even though I have never met her I want to help. So how can I help while not getting frustrated.