A man's first role model is his F

[AskingWhy]

My uBPD H has an atrocious man for a father.  He is 85 and every bit a spoiled brat and emotionally two years old.  For 60 years, he turned his wife into a work horse and pack mule (she worked three jobs) so he could pursue hunting, fishing and golf.  He took low paying jobs with no career potential.  He eventually landed a job at a gun store selling hunting and fishing gear.  My FIL is uBPD and/or uNPD.   FIL put his older son over H.  The irony is that this son is now a drug addict and barely employed.   

This afternoon, H is getting a bit antsy about the lock down.  One thing led to another and H ended up screaming at me, splitting me black.  He said he hated me, hated everything about me, hated being married to me and the only thing keeping him from punching me is the thought of losing his guns.  He continued to rage at me for hours, during which time I got the usual divorce threats.  I told him only a coward says that kind of thing to a woman, let alone a wife.  (FIL is the biggest coward I ever met.  Ready to kill defenceless animals with a high powered rifle, but terrified of driving on a large urban freeway.)

H hurt his ankle after unwisely climbing a tree for trimming and he fell, twisting his foot.  I left home in this time of the virus to make sure he had enough compression bandages for support.  H still raged at me, saying he hated me and he has been unhappy our entire marriage of 20 years.  (H is covertly incested with his three children, all adults, two Ds and a S.)

In truth, H is projecting his hurt over one of his children, his older D who is addicted to drugs.  She told him recently (she lives in our town) that she really has no interest in keeping a close R/S with him.  Of course, she always comes running when she has a car accident, or from breaking up with her latest R/S.  I see how the BPD crosses generation from F to S to GD. 

I am really sick of SET.  I simply said his actions are his own, and that if he wanted to divorce me that was his right.  I matter of factly told him this.  No anger, no crying on my part.  My H is a very sick, pathetic man.  I see no end to the cycle of dysregulations.  Something will trigger the emptiness and then H will project his rage onto me.

[Turkish]

Well, there is something to be said about tossing the ball into the other court, even bluntly...

I'd be concerned about the threats of violence and the guns though.

[AskingWhy]

uBPD H said to me today that saying he wanted to punch me was the wrong thing to say.  It was not really an apology.  Moreover, he seemed to say I caused him to say it.

No, I am sorry.  No one is forced or pushed to say things about violence, especially about punching one's wife. (Keep in mind this man has two adult Ds of his own.) H's F is a coward, as I noted, and a selfish SOB.  And his S must have seen the way his F treated his M for 60 years.  That poor woman died with only the gold band she got on her wedding day.  Her H did not cherish her, take her on vacations nor give her any nice jewellery.  (He must have ignored those television ads around Christmas, Mother's Day or Valentine's Day.)  So it is that her S, my H, is a selfish, spoiled abusive brat.

Yes, I am still angry.  I have every right to be.  My F did not raise me to be abused in any way by my H, verbally, psychologically or physically.  My self esteem demands this indignation.

H is shutting himself in his den watch television.  The heck with him.  I told him to deal with his hollow emptiness and self pity.  (H does not know I am on to his BPD.)

[Gemsforeyes]

I’m wondering why you talk about your H’s father during the beginning of your post.  Was the father a topic that set off your H’s anger on Monday?  Or was it one of your H’s daughters or his son?  Or were you angry that your H “unwisely” climbed the tree and twisted his ankle and you then needed to go to the store during the virus?

Yes, people do and say things without thinking about them first.  We all think we can still “climb trees”...  but we can’t climb forever.

AW-  it’s not a good thing to remind pwBPD of their “hollowness”.  You know this... you know he says things when triggered that he doesn’t mean.  And you KNOW that he is NOT his father.  And your H IS a provider.

Yes, he may have BPD.  And yes, his rages wear on you.  I understand that, truly.  However, and we’ve spoken of this before here,  if you are showing him the contempt you’re showing us, then his anger is “current”.  It’s anger in the moment, not from the past. 

With my (now ex) uBPD/NPDbf, I had to learn to really temper my words to subdue his RAGE.  Except he was so heavy on the Narc scale I finally threw in the towel with the last one.  Just cannot live with the lies and gaslighting.

If you are “onto” his BPD as you say, you can engage with him and improve things.. but my friend, you’re going to HAVE to look at your part in this.. we ALL have to look at our part.

If you don’t, the chips will fall.  They just will.  And you may not like where they land.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[formflier]

Did you really listen to that kind of thing for "hours"?

Is that wise for you to listen that long?

Best,

FF

[AskingWhy]

Did you really listen to that kind of thing for "hours"?

Is that wise for you to listen that long?

Best,

FF

H harangues me every time he passes me in the house.  It's very juvenile.  Like a 12 year old boy.  (I suspect some mental damage or psychic wound occurred at that age)  So, yes, I have to listen to it.

My tactic now is to let him scream and isolate himself in his den, shouting divorce threats and telling me he hates me.  I know it's all part of the BPD.  My method is to leave him to his solitude.  This is, in essence, like abandoning him.  He wants me to beg him not to divorce me, but as far as I am concerned, he will say and do what he wants.  This is not my first time with an unbalanced H.

[formflier]

Have you ever tried to leave when he starts yelling?  I can't imagine that's doing anything good for you?

Best,

FF