Told her I want to end it but what next...?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

been a while since I posted but things came to a head and there were some child safety incidents. Our 10 year old has started to express suicidal thoughts and uPWBPD wife refused to recognise that something was wrong.

After therapy for the 10 year old a referral was made to social care (social services). On speaking to the counsellor I recognise that I should have ended the relationship before and was in part to blame for the situation deteriorating.

I took the decision that it must end and finished the relationship just shy of 10 year wedding anniversary. We are still in the same house due to covid and that she won't discuss moving out at the moment.

It's hard seeing someone you love in such pain and despair but I know I need to go through this for everyone's sake. The relationship had become toxic and was damaging everyone involved.

To a certain extent the process is easier for me as I grieved for the relationship after her affair and don't feel there has been any improvement.

However, I'd like to know if others in similar situations have had to deal with the desperate pleadings for starting the relationship up or clinging on to the tiniest bit of hope. She has grabbed hold of the fact that even after we split we still may get back together and that there is always a chance.

How do you deal with this? Should you just say no? She says that she needs something to cling to or hope for to keep going (in life).

I know she just wants to be loved and know how hard her life was as a child. I can't help but see a wounded child in front of me - but know that I will not go back into the relationship.

She asks if I will protect her in future or be there if she need support.

She also asks if we can stay single in the future just in case we can try again - this one I have rejected.

Generally she is sad and quiet and is afraid of me mentally hurting her (not that I have deliberately - clearly the split is hurting).

I know that fear and being scared could turn to anger. She has no idea of her condition either.

Just not sure what to to for the best - is giving any hope a bad thing even if I say that it is remote and so much needs to be done and that we will separate.

Sorry for the rambling!

[AND-01]

Hi all,

been a while since I posted but things came to a head and there were some child safety incidents. Our 10 year old has started to express suicidal thoughts and uPWBPD wife refused to recognise that something was wrong.

After therapy for the 10 year old a referral was made to social care (social services). On speaking to the counsellor I recognise that I should have ended the relationship before and was in part to blame for the situation deteriorating.

I took the decision that it must end and finished the relationship just shy of 10 year wedding anniversary. We are still in the same house due to covid and that she won't discuss moving out at the moment.

It's hard seeing someone you love in such pain and despair but I know I need to go through this for everyone's sake. The relationship had become toxic and was damaging everyone involved.

To a certain extent the process is easier for me as I grieved for the relationship after her affair and don't feel there has been any improvement.

However, I'd like to know if others in similar situations have had to deal with the desperate pleadings for starting the relationship up or clinging on to the tiniest bit of hope. She has grabbed hold of the fact that even after we split we still may get back together and that there is always a chance.

How do you deal with this? Should you just say no? She says that she needs something to cling to or hope for to keep going (in life).

I know she just wants to be loved and know how hard her life was as a child. I can't help but see a wounded child in front of me - but know that I will not go back into the relationship.

She asks if I will protect her in future or be there if she need support.

She also asks if we can stay single in the future just in case we can try again - this one I have rejected.

Generally she is sad and quiet and is afraid of me mentally hurting her (not that I have deliberately - clearly the split is hurting).

I know that fear and being scared could turn to anger. She has no idea of her condition either.

Just not sure what to to for the best - is giving any hope a bad thing even if I say that it is remote and so much needs to be done and that we will separate.

Sorry for the rambling!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey AND-01, It sounds like you are ready to detach.  Is that fair to say?  If so, what concrete steps do you foresee going forwards?  Do you plan to separate?  If so, how do you plan to go about it?  Are you contemplating divorce?  Fill us in, when you can.

Fear of abandonment is a major issue for those w/BPD, which is one reason why detaching can prove so complex.  If she understands that you are firm about leaving, I suggest you be prepared for her to attempt to manipulate you through F-O-G (fear, obligation or guilt).

Hang in there and keep us posed,
LuckyJim

[AND-01]

Hey AND-01, It sounds like you are ready to detach.  Is that fair to say?  If so, what concrete steps do you foresee going forwards?  Do you plan to separate?  If so, how do you plan to go about it?  Are you contemplating divorce?  Fill us in, when you can.

Thanks Lucky Jim and I feel like I have detached or at least have started the process. Divorce will come at some point and probably once things have settled.

Next steps are about child care and living arrangements. She wants to sell the house and share but I think, for at least a short time, the children should be kept in an environment that they are used to. They will have a lot to deal with and that's on top of dealing with the impact of a BPD mother. She says I am trying to take everything away from her and leave her childless and homeless. I explain that I want them safe and her supported by professionals.

I've suggested a timeline of getting things done by end of July. We need to get through social care first and any recommendations that they make. Social care will get messy as we have different viewpoints on so many things.

 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey AND, It sounds like you are going about the detaching process in a thoughtful, considerate way.  Nevertheless, be ready for drama and manipulation through F-O-G when the fear of abandonment kicks in.

LJ

[AND-01]

Hey AND, It sounds like you are going about the detaching process in a thoughtful, considerate way.  Nevertheless, be ready for drama and manipulation through F-O-G when the fear of abandonment kicks in.

LJ

Right on the mark. She has now made allegations to Social Services that I am controlling of her and our children. This is going to be difficult but have been prepared for this. Just need to minimise the impact on our kids.

[once removed]

work the family law/coparenting board. i cant stress that enough.

there are signs of conflict that are likely to play out during the divorce process, possibly after.

How do you deal with this? Should you just say no? She says that she needs something to cling to or hope for to keep going (in life).

this is a different question. my answer, if you are committed to divorcing, would be to let her down easy, but be consistent. dont offer hope.

[AND-01]

this is a different question. my answer, if you are committed to divorcing, would be to let her down easy, but be consistent. dont offer hope.

Thanks and I can see why because she is now saying that she thought I would change her mind - don't know if this triggered the allegations or if they were coming anyway. Part of me wondered if the breakup could ever go smoothly but I can see why that won't happen. She has nothing to lose and she [from her perspective] has done nothing wrong