I don't know where to turn or how to help my circumstances

[Desperate4Help]

My husband of 27 years has signs of BPD and Walking on eggshells workbook has helped a little. He also has signs of narcissism, bi-polar, autism and ADHD (which he has just started taking medication for, at age 60). He does not want to face there are things wrong with him. It is very difficult to have a 2 way conversation with him. He has so much anger and paranoia. He explodes about anything and everything. The language and abuse is foul, even though he professes to be a Christian. I have had chronic fatigue and he looked after me and my children very well physically during that period. I am now coming out of this brain fog and can see who he really is. I have been seeing a psychologist and feel that I am the only one seeing there are problems in the relationship or with the way he conducts himself. We are both alcoholics - we both come from a family of them. My mental health is currently so bad that all I think about is suicide. He has no idea of the impact his behaviour has on others. I am desperate for help. I have no way out or means to support myself. Do I just keep living in misery? I have such bad physical health now because of the chronic stress and am living on Valium. Any support is greatly appreciated. I no longer know where to go. I feel like no one can help me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am glad you reached out to us and posted.  We may not have all the answers for you but we can certainly listen, help and walk with you.  You sound exhausted. 

My concern right now is about you.  Are you safe?  Actively suicidal?  Lets talk.  One thing I do want to say is that if you are in immediate danger, please call your national suicide hotline (I will also send you some local resources).  I say all of this in an abundance of caution. 

Do I just keep living in misery?

The good news is that you are not alone and you do not have to work through this alone, not any more.  We get it here and have many members who have been in similar situations who have been able to improve things over time.  We can help you as you do the work.   

You mentioned that you see a psychiatrist.  Are they aware that you think often of suicide?  When do you see them next?  Also, are you actively drinking?  Sorry for all the questions.  It helps us to know more details of your situation so we can better guide you.

I feel like no one can help me.

We've got you.   

[Ozzie101]

Desperate4Help, I want to join Harri in saying welcome to the family. You’ve found a safe place here. I know how confusing and lonely it can feel in relationships like this but, believe me, the people here understand.

Harri has asked some good questions and I hope you’ll answer when you feel up to it. Keep posting and sharing. We’re here. We’re listening. 

[Desperate4Help]

Hi Harri,
Thanks for your reply. I have not seen a psychiatrist for over a year. I am drinking everyday.
You say you can help me do the work, I don't know where to start. I am so tired of trying that now as soon as there is one little negative thing happen, I just breakdown. I'm crying all the time. I don't know what else to tell you.

[once removed]

breathe. youve come to the right place.

it sounds like the two of you are fighting, a lot.

the first step is really learning to stop the bleeding. learning about where our responses may be escalating conflict. its hard, but it can yield real results in the short term.

tell us whats gone on between the two of you lately. the last fight or argument you had.

[Desperate4Help]

Thanks for your message... once removed
I saw the psychologist last week and will see her again tomorrow. This has helped. Husband has also been going out to work so this has helped me too. Now things are calmer I wonder why I get so upset and forget what it's like when things are bad. It's like his mood totally dominates me. I lose all control of my emotions and fall into a dark hole.
We both want different things. He wants to live on a large property, I don't want all the work that will involve. He is now 60 and it will be too physically demanding.I don't want to look after animals and be tied down to all that responsibility. I want to have the freedom to travel and live in a small place with little maintenance. We always fight about this and I just give up and think if the time comes I will just take my life rather than live like that. He always has to be right and have things his way.  I want a peaceful relationship, someone I can talk to on every level. Conversation is very difficult with him, as he doesn't understand where I am coming from and doesn't know how to express himself. It also depends on which mental disorder is dominating at the time. He gets so frustrated and I don't know how many remote controls he has broken with his bare hands. I don't have a problem when I use them but he cant operate them and takes it out on them. Ridiculous.

[once removed]

there are two things at play.

you love a very difficult person. one that, no doubt, has tested you to your wits end over the years.

youve learned to tune out some things he says and does. others, are at the forefront of your mind.

the other is a legitimate conflict...not uncommon really, to the healthiest of couples.

my mom and dad used to argue over where they would spend their retirement. my dad really wanted to move to washington. my mom was dead set against it. he died at 64, so their point of contention never quite came to a head, though i always wondered how it would play out.

or lets put it another way. a couple gets together...maybe one wants to have children and the other doesnt. they get together anyway, figuring they will, over time, eventually, resolve their differences, or talk the other into seeing things their way. or for that matter, maybe both dont want to have children, and one changes their mind.

how do either couple, in either example, resolve this conflict?

thats the key to marriage...a one, or two, or three year long marriage, or a 27 year long marriage.

thats the key to, not only that specific conflict that the two of you are having, which, make no mistake, is causing and will cause greater resentment between the two of you, but, by and large, the way the two of you have increasingly handled conflict in the later years of your marriage.

[Desperate4Help]

you love a very difficult person. one that, no doubt, has tested you to your wits end over the years.
I feel no love anymore - that went away pretty much as soon as we were married and he revealed his true self. This is not a person I want to be around or associate with. Any time with him is always unpleasant.

youve learned to tune out some things he says and does. others, are at the forefront of your mind.

Yes true

the other is a legitimate conflict...not uncommon really, to the healthiest of couples.

my mom and dad used to argue over where they would spend their retirement. my dad really wanted to move to washington. my mom was dead set against it. he died at 64, so their point of contention never quite came to a head, though i always wondered how it would play out.

 

how do either couple, in either example, resolve this conflict?

thats the key to marriage...a one, or two, or three year long marriage, or a 27 year long marriage.

thats the key to, not only that specific conflict that the two of you are having, which, make no mistake, is causing and will cause greater resentment between the two of you, but, by and large, the way the two of you have increasingly handled conflict in the later years of your marriage.

I dont understand... What is the key?

[Desperate4Help]

How we have handled conflict... is that it has been ignored and passed over... nothing is resolved ... he is not mentally or emotionally capable of resolving anything

[once removed]

How we have handled conflict... is that it has been ignored and passed over... nothing is resolved ... he is not mentally or emotionally capable of resolving anything

resolving conflict is about recognizing that conflict takes two.

conflict is a product of conflict style between two people. and the two of you have been together for many years, so the conflict style is pretty ingrained. it takes one, if not both of you, to change your approach, and move to a solutions oriented mindset.

thats a mighty challenge when you love a very difficult person. with support, you can do it. but dont underestimate the challenge. it involves a hard look at ourselves, and what can really only be described as a bit of a lifestyle change.

if the fact is that you are done, dont love him, and there is no chance in getting this relationship on a healthier trajectory, then the goal is really about getting out in the healthiest way, and we can support you in that too.

is getting out what you want?