Complete different person to what i knew...please give me advice

[brokenheartedme]

Hey all...

My now ex boyfriend i suspect has BPD - intense rage, unstable relationships, anger, impulsive behaviour, substance abuse, etc...he seems to fit the criteria.

We've been together almost 2 years - on and off. I was always him to end it and then come back..he'd always come back but say 'oh i was just returning your call' to make it seem like it was me.

Anyway, so i recently spent some time with him after so long of not seeing him due to lockdown. It was perfect. We got a hotel for 3 nights, picnics in the park - I felt so content. He was all over me (lovebombing i suspect), telling me how much he loved me, how much he cares, opened up about his life, told me he wants to join the army but only if i'm by his side, etc. He also told me when we argue (we've argued so much in the past/broken up several times) he thinks about me constantly, even when i'm blocked or he's hurtful but it seems whenever i get through to him he's forgotten what we had. Now..when we break up, like now, he is a completely different person. He is consumed by hate. He blocks me on everything and insults me and says THE MOST hurtful things - this time it was the typical your ugly, i hate you, you're a snake, i've already moved on etc.. He's always paranoid I'm looking at other men and this is what triggered this breakup. I got so used to agreeing with him but this time I stood up for myself and told him he's got issues.

He's blocked me everywhere possible. I've gone mad, ringing him/messaging off other numbers and he's just getting worse. It's like there's no knocking any sense into him. He said he's fallen out of love with me, he hates me, i'm a mess. Yet less than a week ago I was his everything.

When we're together and happy he opens up about this. He says he doesn't know what comes over him. He knows exactly what hurts me (insulting my appearance, insulting my family, bringing up his ex who he has children with or saying he's slept with other people straight after me). An example is: I've had a rash i was so embarrassed about all over my body i'm getting blood tests for it and when i was with him he was so reassuring he said he was worried for me, and that he loves me for who i am i am beautiful no matter what. Another example, he told me when he broke up with me he'd already gone and slept with someone else (less than 2 hours after) i doubt it but also believe it too. But since he's been nasty he told me i'm a mess, the rash is so ugly, i don't take care of myself and he couldn't care less if i died. But every time he turns like this I believe him, I truly believe he hates me when he was so so in love with me last week...my head is messed up..

He also tells me when he's stable that he will always love me. He will always come back. The last breakup was the longest i'd gone without speaking to him, 3 weeks and i thought that was it and he'd forgotten me completely but he came back. But this time i don't believe it and i don't know what to do. I leant him a lot of money, so when he is angry he holds it against me. But i say to him, why if you're so over me do you not just transfer it back and have done so he can forget about me completely and i can move on (because believe you me i will not give up on that money) - this time he said he'll contact me when he's ready, but the money is there in his account so he is purposely delaying it. Again, when he's stable he tells me he knows how much the money means to me and he feels bad about it.

I'm consumed by thoughts of him with other women, with his baby mum or out enjoying girls company now that lockdown has eased a lot and the weathers lush.

Honestly, sorry for the rambling i need to get it off my chest. I am so broken right now, the man i was with last week was my absolute dream, my best friend. This man now does not care about me whatsoever so i don't know who i fell in love with..

I've stopped trying to contact him because its breaking me...but it's also breaking me the thought that if i do not then he will forget about me. He threatens a lot saying he's going to 'change his number' but doesn't WHY IS HE TRYING TO MESS WITH MY BRAIN

Please can someone give me some advice on how to move on...or how the bpd male brain works...does he really love me deep down because the man i was with last week truly made me believe he does. I know now this is final in my eyes, as much as i'd love him to come back this is ruining me physically and mentally..My days drag and all i seem to do is think about his or scroll the web researching bpd and looking for answers.

Please some one give me some advice, i'm broken. 

[daze507]

Going no contact is a good start. A break up with a pwBPD is devastating, your mind can't process it because you just can't explain it, for a neurotypical none of this makes any sense at all.
How can someone show you so much love one day and despise you the day after? Who was really that person? What was real in that relationship? It's excruciating to say the least. You want to talk to the person you knew and loved but that person is gone, only his body remains. You would give anything to have the good time back but nothing you can do works and deep down you know there is no going back.
You will have to accept what it is but it will take time. You will have to also accept it is not your fault. It's impossible to predict and control how a mentally disordered person will act, nothing you could have done here.
Unlike them, we have no magic split switch to love and unlove people in an instant so it will take time to process.
I can only tell you that im my case, I have started to get better and detach as soon as I accepted that my worth as a man was not defined by the way I had been treated and discarded (like an irrelevant piece of sh*t). In parallel to that, when my brain managed not to see that person as the one she was during the idealisation phase but more as an "unknown entity" it was such a relief. When I accepted that "that woman was not the one I thought she was" I started to move on. Hope that helps, you're not alone in that.

[Ccswim]

Hi brokenheartedme,

I don't have much more groundbreaking advice but just wanted to validate your feelings, been there, but educating yourself definitely helps.  I know you said you are researching and that's helped me see the facts of my reality and get out of fantasyland to see a realistic vision of my future vs. clinging to the dream.  I know the obsessive thoughts too, but I've found it helpful to learn breathing exercises and meditation to recenter myself.  Also generally do things for me which I enjoy like exercising redirects my energy to not spend hours of my day fixating on him.  It's really hard to make the adjustment, making these concious efforts have helped me to curb those urges a lot though.

I know you apologized for ranting but don't, that helps too.  Even if you don't get many responses you got it out of you, like journaling which they say helps many people as well.  I do prefer this board more than journaling myself, I guess it just makes me feel better to know someone might be listening , but maybe try journaling too since a lot of people I think really utilize that tool?  Take care!

[brokenheartedme]

Hi brokenheartedme,

I don't have much more groundbreaking advice but just wanted to validate your feelings, been there, but educating yourself definitely helps.  I know you said you are researching and that's helped me see the facts of my reality and get out of fantasyland to see a realistic vision of my future vs. clinging to the dream.  I know the obsessive thoughts too, but I've found it helpful to learn breathing exercises and meditation to recenter myself.  Also generally do things for me which I enjoy like exercising redirects my energy to not spend hours of my day fixating on him.  It's really hard to make the adjustment, making these concious efforts have helped me to curb those urges a lot though.

I know you apologized for ranting but don't, that helps too.  Even if you don't get many responses you got it out of you, like journaling which they say helps many people as well.  I do prefer this board more than journaling myself, I guess it just makes me feel better to know someone might be listening , but maybe try journaling too since a lot of people I think really utilize that tool?  Take care!

Hey Ccswim thank you for this, you're right getting it out really does help and i plan to start journalling my thoughts today to sort my head out.

I know deep down it's over, he despises me right now but this has happened before and he's come back and returned to the man i fell in love with. I can't help but think because he's got money I leant him he's holding onto it so he has some sort of hold over me...If there was no money involved I would get over this in an instant.

So many questions that I will never get answers for. It breaks me thinking of him with someone else, especially early days because he will be an absolute dream to the next woman...but I know the further things go on then the same thing will happen to them also. It pains me because a week ago he looked me in my eyes and said "I've never been so in love with someone, I love you so much". He always had his suspicions of me and did say he'd never fully trust anyone (this is also due to past relationships as he's been cheated on) however he comes back and seems to forget about it for bit. But this breakup was triggered by the same thoughts of me essentially cheating or going to find another man, which i never wanted. So i can't help but think this time he will finally discard me and act like i'm dead..

I just wish the man i knew would come back I wish i could wake up and never think of him again.

Thank you for your response <3

[Ccswim]

I struggle with all the same things as you, not wanting to imagine him with another woman, reminiscing about the good times, just general doubt and wondering.  Someone on this board also suggested that I write out two lists, one of the good and one of the bad times and that REALLY helped me.  It made it much more objective to see them side by side and was a good reality vs. fantasy exercise.  It does sound like you know this already by saying it will probably be the same for him with others, which I thought too, but seeing the facts on paper helped me tremendously in making that more real and have really lessened some of that struggle for me. 

If this is the end just know he's not discarding YOU, not the real you, it's his idea of you, and if you're like me he's probably said things to you where you think to yourself "that's not me at all."   All the best, take care of yourself.  <3