I just want to know what I should be doing. I need help.

[bowie]

My relationship is hanging on the last threads right now. My girlfriend of about 5 years has been suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder since she was about 14 (She's 22 now). I've not been as attentive towards her emotions and have been dismissing of her feelings which I thought were irrelevant. I deeply regret being this asshole to her. I can see how much pain she's going through and  I want to fix things with her. I want to make her feel better and help her get better. Can you help me with what I should do? She says she doesn't trust me anymore because I've been dismissive of her feelings. She's a smart one, you know? She understands her condition better than anyone else. She knows exactly what she's going through and why; but she can't stop herself from doing it. Help me save this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Melissinde]

Hey bowie,
It's great of you to reach out to try and improve your relationship! And to be able to take an honest look at how you've been with her and making an active effort to improve.

I have a boyfriend with BPD traits but I identify more with your girlfriend here because he is the one dismissing my feelings and invalidating my needs when he is in a crisis, so I know how hurtful it can be.

To me, what I would like my bf to do at that point, if you haven't done it already, is for him to make amends: maybe try and show her you understand why she doesn't trust you without explaining or justifying yourself (unless she asks for explanation but when my bf tries and explain his behaviour it really annoys me because he makes it about HIM again while I'd like it to be about me for once). Detail the actions you did that were problematic and say why they were problematic. Show her you have a really good understanding of the issue.
And put into practice your desire to improve by validating her current feelings like her lack of trust. There are a few tips on this website on how to show empathy, like this article: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

I am not your girlfriend so I'm only talking about what would work with me, I wish you the best of luck, I hope it's going to turn out okay for you!