I'm still in so much pain after 5 months. How can I make things better.

[Samir]

Hi all.

I've had a very short but very stormy encounter with an ex girlfriend who I now think has BPD.

She contacted me saying that her relationship of 5 years had ended and she was interested in meeting me. She charmed me very hard by telling me how she always had loved me and how I was the only one she really felt safe and secure with. How I was the only one who really understands her and she praised all my good qualities she always had loved in me. She also got very seductive and started sending me spicy pictures and soon we were video sexting on Skype.

We decided to meet the next month (we live in different countries) and 'relive' all our great moments we had in the past. Because of all the heavy flirting and deep and meaningful talks I noticed I started to fall in love with her again. But when I told her about my feelings her face froze and changed into a look I can only describe as being disgusted. It felt like a punch in the stomach.

A few weeks of hot and cold / push pull behaviour from her side followed, one moment being very sweet and looking forward to meeting, the next downplaying everything and saying I shouldn't expect anything from it.

Flights were booked but then she disappeared for a week. Not responding to texts anymore, or hours later saying that she was tired or already in bed. At some point I straight up ask her if she actually still wants to meet now that she feels so distant. She gives a cryptic answer that now that we are going to see each other in real life, chatting is not so exciting anymore.

I eventually travel to her and we have 4 very chaotic days with lots of passionate kissing and childish fights. She basically sabotaged every activity we tried to undertake. Like jumping back in bed when it was time to go pick up the rental car, starting a fight, then wanting to make out, then wanting to have food first, until eventually it was too late to go anywhere.

She kept pushing buttons like falling asleep on the couch and not wanting to come to bed and making a drama out of me asking to join me to come to the bedroom so we could sleep together. After all I traveled all the way so we could be close?

The final night we go out for drinks and it's actually fun. We get home and start making out, and then she suddenly picked a fight, insulting me so hard and deep that I just snap and pack my bags and leave, slamming the door behind me.

I realise this is not ok and I come back after 10 minutes, only to find her now ranting that because I slammed the door I will now start beating her up. And that this is proof that we can never be together because I now am an abuser (?)

I leave confused and sad and go back home, completely puzzled about all that has happened.

A few days later she sends me a text saying that she's back with her ex. Claiming that because "she gave me another chance but it didn't work out, she can also give him another chance" (?).  Well... of course it didn't work out between us when she behaves and sabotages like that!

Next moment I'm blocked on all platforms.

Now, I have a feeling that her relationship wasn't really over at all. But why she would reel me in so hard, have me travel to her country, only to deliberately destroy whatever feelings that were left between us? I just don't get it.

The problem is that because everything was so intense (the passion, as well as the very mean fights and insults), and there is no closure because she blocked me everywhere I really feel like an emotional wreck. I keep repeating all kinds of different scenarios in my head how or if things could have been different, and I miss her a lot. I know that I should turn around and walk away because she treated me like dirt, but I got so hooked on her again with all that idealisation in the beginning.

It's now 5 months and I feel I've made zero progress. I've been reading a lot about BPD and a lot makes sense. It feels like I've been through one very quick cycle of idealisation and splitting.

Does anyone have some insight on what happened here, what her motives could have been, and how I can start moving on, besides educating myself more on BPD?

Thanks in advance

[WhatJustHappened?]

Nothing ever makes sense. I know you want some resolution or some way to explain everything but in my experience, there is none.

You seem to have a good understanding of the disease and that's probably the best you'll be able to do. Nothing will make sense.

My best guess is that she was lonely and wanted to feel safe and loved. She decided to contact you to see what that did for her. And the rest is typical BPD behavior. They go from love to hate in a split second without rhyme or reason. It's the nature of the disease which baffles most of us.

Unfortunately, it just takes time to move on but things do get better.

My only word of caution is that be on guard for the next contact. It may not happen soon but it will probably happen and you need to set your boundaries otherwise it will be a "rinse and repeat" situation.

Good luck my friend and I'm very sorry.