How to decide whether to go back to her?

[aletter]

Just found this message board. After a whirlwind romance, pregnancy, marriage, birth - all very quick - amazing and beautiful times, ups and downs, controlling, accusing, off and on unconvincing amnesia, lying and deflecting through attempts at couples therapy, rages, violence, suicide attempts, and a lot of co-dependent behavior on my part (I'm learning) - she was finally hospitalized and I left (for the sake of me, her, and our daughter - because it just seemed there was no way for things to be OK if I was there with her). She sent the most amazing letter to me explaining her diagnosis, apologizing, saying that she was going to work on managing this. She has been respecting my boundaries. But there have been many promises before, all broken.

I know many people on here were in a similar situation. How did you decide? I don't want us to spend our lives locked in this cycle. I don't want our daughter to grow up watching it. She has a ton of support and doesn't need me financially or for parenting. It is hard to understand what she needs me for at all. It is hard to believe she loves me. I don't want to go back only to figure out over decades that I'm just the object of some obsession that has nothing to do with me and can never be satisfied. It sure feels like she loves me when she loves me. Other times it sure feels like she hates me. Other times it just feels like I'm taking up space in her house.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[alittleawkward]

Everyones tolerances to the mental stress that BPD partners can cause is different. For me it was the empty promises of respecting my boundaries, and just being respectful in general to me. It happened one times too many to the point I had become physically and emotionally wrecked, and although I sometimes still fantasise about what 'could have been' I tend to also remember all the horrible parts of the rollercoaster ride I was taken on and remember that the good bits were actually in the minority of the time that we spent together in our relationship. I think when it got to the point that everything I stood for, all the people I loved and cared about and everything I did felt like it had been targeted by a verbal and emotional air raid; and it wasn't even just private, these things being publicly smeared, I couldn't take it anymore.

With commitments like marriage and a child to look after I can imagine the bond you have is much stronger and therefore the resistance to these actions is too, but ultimately if you're spending more time unhappy, stressed, and yearning for something else, that is no relationship to be in.

[Kaufmann]

Hi alittleawkward,

Every situation is different. That said, your situation sounds much like mine. When Aimee loves me, I think she really loves me. When she hates me, I think that in the moment she really hates me. She's not well, and yet at the same time she's capable of making me full so alive. And also so sad.

Should you stay with her? You have to decide that for yourself. Obviously. I think you need to understand that she very likely won't change. Some people do, but even then, the ups and downs don't go away completely. I think you need to ask yourself this question: Given that she probably won't change, am I willing to tolerate a lifetime of extreme ups and extreme downs with her?

If you choose to be with her, you're going to have to become an emotional rock, someone who isn't thrown off-balance when she goes through her bad periods. If you can stay strong, emotionally detached, during these bad periods, if you can ride the roller coaster when it goes up but not ride it when it goes back down, then you might be able to live a healthy, happy life.

[ForeverDad]

...lying and deflecting through attempts at couples therapy, rages, violence, suicide attempts, and a lot of co-dependent behavior on my part (I'm learning) - she was finally hospitalized and I left (for the sake of me, her, and our daughter - because it just seemed there was no way for things to be OK if I was there with her). She sent the most amazing letter to me explaining her diagnosis, apologizing, saying that she was going to work on managing this...

So she has been involved in couples therapy, hospitalized, diagnosed with BPD and now wants you back.  Several factors to ponder, which I'll try to address.

First, people with BPD (pwBPD) are knows for their extremes of behavior, as the moods and feelings change.  You've been in the closest of relationships and almost certainly that history of emotional proximity makes it very unlikely you can be the one to help her recover from her mental illness.

Remarkably few people can address their own deep issues and resolve them without outside help, someone who has the role similar to therapist, counselor, religious mentor, etc.

A general comment here is that it would take an experienced — and one perceived as emotionally neutral — therapist to help her.  And a few sessions won't make a dent in her perceptions and behaviors.  Notice I stated emotionally neutral.  You are emotionally connected to her and her emotion-based perceptions heighten her issues.  When you speak or try to help, she's not listening, there's just too much emotional baggage from the past for her to hear.

One person who did succeed with that task was Marsha Linehan.  Notice too what I previously wrote regarding the paperback "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!"

How much the other parent will respond and change without a neutral professional providing guidance and structure, well, is unknown.  It varies from person to person.  Late in life in 2011 the early pioneering professional on BPD, Marsha Linehan, revealed that she of all people too suffered with BPD.  The original NYTimes article.  She is the exception to the rule, she found a way to help herself and accept help, whereas nearly all suffering with BPD need an emotionally neutral guiding professional.  Emotionally neutral is crucial because the Borderline emotional baggage is immense and a strong barrier for them to listen to those emotionally close to them.  I recall the author of "I Hate You! Don't Leave Me!" writing that she never ever even touched her therapist, he kept an emotionally neutral therapeutic distance, not until they hugged on her final session, her "Graduation Day".

I'm only cautioning you that there may be a limit to what you or others can do regarding the other parent.

So the primary question is whether she is indeed in long term intensive therapy and consistently applying it in her life, thinking, perceptions and behaviors.  Okay if she "falls off the wagon" now and again, the reality of "two steps forward with sometimes one step backward" is acceptable but is there clear long term progress being made?  Or is she seeming to comply but not really applying it?  Claims and promises mean little, actions long term are what's meaningful.  Recovery is a process, not an event.  This is something you can't determine quickly, it will take many months - or longer - to see real progress.

I do have a concern... you apparently left your young child with a mentally ill parent?  (Or are you now the primary parent?)  Yes, you left your spouse due to the high conflict and other issues.  But can she be the stable parent of your child?  Even if she focused her poor behaviors on you and not your child, eventually - and especially without you right there as her Whipping Boy - her behaviors will spill over onto the child.  So, are you stepping forward to be the stable and responsible parent?  Letting her slip into the primary parent role even while suffering mental illness will make it harder for you to seek a larger parental role later.  Despite her mental state and poor behaviors, if she becomes the de-facto primary parent then the family courts may look upon a history of primary parenting as basis to continue it.

I know your question asked about whether to get back to the relationship with her - and the risks of going right back to the same old cycles of love-hate - but please also consider your child's future and how you can be a real positive for your child in the years to come.  It doesn't mean you have to remain married.  Marriage or divorce is a choice separate from parenting.  Many here are divorced but also being proactive and strategic in their parenting, to their children's long term benefit.

Predictably, the elephant in the room is whether your spouse is in long term intensive therapy and making real improvements to her perceptions, moods, perspectives, insights and overall life.  Every subsequent decision hinges on her choice to seek recovery or not.