I'm so lost

[Tigergirl]

My sister is two years younger than me (I'm 27, she's 25). We used to be incredibly close. We spoke every day. She often used up every last bit of energy I had. I used to drop things all the time to be there for her. And at the same time she would have these outbursts in which she said incredibly hurtful things.

This past Sept, I decided that this wasn't working for me. I told her I needed some ground rules for our relationship. She totally lost it. She has since claimed that I'm ruining her life and causing her to become suicidal. She says my partner will never be part of the family. She says I'm cruel. And worse, she has convinced my parents of this. Because of the pandemic , she is living at home with my parents. I can no longer be home without her lashing out at me. My parents say I need to stand up to her and not accept her abuse, but they are not willing to step in when she is mean. I used to be so close with my family and I feel like my sister is pushing me out. It's excruciatingly painful. My parents say that we are both hurt and need to talk it out, but when we do that she hurts me more. I don't want to lose my parents and my entire family. I'm in so much pain. What can I do?

[Methuen]

Hi Tigergirl,

My parents say that we are both hurt and need to talk it out, but when we do that she hurts me more.

I’m wondering if your parents are informed about high conflict personalities?  Talking it out with a high conflict personality doesn’t usually work because that’s JADEing and JADEing doesn’t work with a high conflict personality.  It kind of sounds like your parents don’t have the tools to help your sister, so maybe they are downloading the problem onto you? Does that fit?

Has your sister ever been assessed?

Are you familiar with the tools on this site such as SET?

You’ve come to a good place.  It can get better.
 

[zachira]

You've come to the right place. There are many members here who have similar challenges with a sibling and understand how the hurtful behaviors of a sibling affect the relationships with other family members. It hurts when you love your sister and want to have a close healthy relationship with her, and she responds by mistreating you. I have been accepting over the past few months that I have to set better boundaries with my sister who is cruel and manipulative a lot of the time, though we have at times had many good times together. I have finally realized that my sister cannot deal with emotions, and asking her to try and understand mine just upsets her. I too am struggling with feeling that I am losing my entire family by setting new ground rules with my sister. You are taking the first step in having a more respectful relationship with your sister by setting some boundaries. It is frustrating when your parents and sister don't understand your wanting to make some healthy changes in the relationship you have with your sister. It will likely upset your sister if you try and explain the new boundaries to her. Can you tell us more about what some of the boundaries are that you would like to have with your sister? We are here to listen and support you. Do let us know how we can be the most helpful.