Why do I stay?

[Reemiealone]

I’ve been married for 21 years. My husband is a successful retired business man who sold his business and we are very comfortable. We have two grown daughters both in college.
For years I stayed and took the mental abuse “for the kids”. I didn’t want them to be subjected to the narcissistic behavior alone. Well now they are gone and I’m trying to figure out why I’m still here. One daughter has severe dislike to hatred for him and the other (like me) has learned the “walking on eggshells” approach to stay sane. Neither of them have a close father/daughter bond which he blames on me. He says I turned them against him by telling them all the bad things he’s done. They lived through it so I didn’t have to tell them much. He has also been emotionally abusive to them and says all the women in his life are crazy. He was also verbally abusive to his own mother!
Things got worse after retirement when he had no employees to boss around. I am constantly told that I’m the narcissist and I’m only here for the money and accused of having affairs because our sex life is in the toilet.  I’ve been emotionally bruised for several years, but yet I stay. The daughter who hates him recently told me “you are not happy and haven’t been for a long time... get out. We are grown and there is no reason to stay”. I hate that my girls see me as a doormat and want to show them strength.
I’m hoping to get some insight in how to get the courage to leave. This weekend was the closest I’ve been to leaving and I had an out, but fought to stay in the marriage. What is wrong with me?
I have started to formulate an “exit strategy” which is a start, but how do I pull the trigger?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

Welcome 

You are in the right place!

Being in a relationship w a person w BPD requires a lot from the other person, as you well know.

There are things to learn here, people can share their stories, I can learn from their failures/successes.

One thing I noticed, is I let my well being sink to non existent.  From that space, I am not up to anything.

If I can focus on me, how am I taking care of my thought life, my spiritual life, physical life.  It's not about him.  I cannot change anyone except myself.

New ways can be revealed to me.

Sincerely

juju

[UBPDHelp]

I’ve been married for 21 years. My husband is a successful retired business man who sold his business and we are very comfortable. We have two grown daughters both in college.
For years I stayed and took the mental abuse “for the kids”. I didn’t want them to be subjected to the narcissistic behavior alone. Well now they are gone and I’m trying to figure out why I’m still here. One daughter has severe dislike to hatred for him and the other (like me) has learned the “walking on eggshells” approach to stay sane. Neither of them have a close father/daughter bond which he blames on me. He says I turned them against him by telling them all the bad things he’s done. They lived through it so I didn’t have to tell them much. He has also been emotionally abusive to them and says all the women in his life are crazy. He was also verbally abusive to his own mother!
Things got worse after retirement when he had no employees to boss around. I am constantly told that I’m the narcissist and I’m only here for the money and accused of having affairs because our sex life is in the toilet.  I’ve been emotionally bruised for several years, but yet I stay. The daughter who hates him recently told me “you are not happy and haven’t been for a long time... get out. We are grown and there is no reason to stay”. I hate that my girls see me as a doormat and want to show them strength.
I’m hoping to get some insight in how to get the courage to leave. This weekend was the closest I’ve been to leaving and I had an out, but fought to stay in the marriage. What is wrong with me?
I have started to formulate an “exit strategy” which is a start, but how do I pull the trigger?

Hi Reemie,

I’m in similar circumstances, a bit longer stuck and I also have two left at home. I’m battling pretty hard in my own situation and can’t give advice cuz I haven’t figured myself out yet, wouldn’t dare step in.

BUT, I did want to say that you are not alone and send some  your way.

There are great people on here and they will help sans judgment.

Please share some details, when comfortable, around what is going on now.

Take care...I’ll be checking on on you.

[Cat Familiar]

Whether you stay or go, there are strategies to be learned which will make either choice smoother and less filled with conflict, and that's why I'm moving your post to the Bettering Board. Also please avail yourself of our wonderful library in the Community Built Knowledge Base.

[once removed]

21 years is a long time.

it also sounds like many of those years have been hard. perhaps, getting worse.

"why do i stay" is a valid question. what is the answer? do you love your partner? are you looking for ways to make this work? are you looking to get out?

tell us more about whats going on lately. what are the two of you fighting about?