Hot and cold, how to cope?

[rjn_88]

My wife’s BPD is so hard to be with sometimes. She can get triggered so quickly and go to this place in her mind where I’m the devil and all I do is hurt her. She called me a shark, told me that everyone she loves tells her to leave me and that she doesn’t even tell them everything I do to her. While yesterday and even this morning, marrying me was the best thing she’s ever done for herself, I’m perfect, I’m her forever. And then tonight at the flip of a switch I’ve caused her to feel more shame than she has felt in years. I don’t know what to do. I know it’s not her fault she has this disorder but I can only take so much. It makes me want to push her away. But also I don’t want her to leave me. I love her so much and want to deeply hold her even knowing she has this disorder. I am able to talk myself down and know some of those things are not true but I also have mental illness and struggle to not take some of the hateful things she says personally. It can be so quick.

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[once removed]

its a real tightrope.

"how can this person love me and also say these terrible things about me?". i asked myself that question many times.

this is really the nature of bpd traits. youre the best or the worst, with little in between.

there are two things that are true.

the first is that your partner is prone to overstating her feelings, whether they be good or bad. youre not the best guy in the world. youre not the worst. youre a guy that loves her, and is doing his best. you have to develop the ability to see yourself in a consistent way that doesnt pivot upon her approval or disapproval of you as a person. and thats a tall order when your loved one speaks of you/to you in such stark terms.

the second is that our loved ones tend to have legitimate complaints about us, or the relationship itself. and the legitimacy can be hard to see or hear, even if you want to, because people with bpd traits are needy people, who actually struggle mightily to express their needs. for example, "youre the worst person in the world" could translate to something, ultimately as simple as "i miss you when youre gone and want to spend more time with you". you have to train yourself to hear the underlying need in between all of the extremes...another tall order.

[hopeandbelief]

you have to develop the ability to see yourself in a consistent way that doesnt pivot upon her approval or disapproval of you as a person. and thats a tall order when your loved one speaks of you/to you in such stark terms.

Just a shoutout to you once removed: I could never explain this with better words and in just a few lines like you did. This is SO true and it's probably what I struggle the most with my ex who I see almost everyday. For all the times I was nervous and expecting her to be triggered by some action or some words, it's so weird that now I have to be careful when I'm the one who can be triggered by her not so gentle comments. Sometimes it's the hardest thing to calm myself down and remember not to take things personally. I'm learning and I hope I'm doing good. Sometimes I'm not sure if there's still any hope of getting back together with her after all the things she says, but even if there's not, I don't want things to get any worse than they are right now.

rjn_88 sorry to jump in your thread out of nowhere. I hope you can deal with the hot/cold behaviour and I know it's so, so difficult. Obviously not saying I'm happy you're going through this but we find some sort of comfort knowing other people around here are going through similar difficulties. I'm cheering for you and your wife and I hope better days are ahead. All the best! 

[Rev]

Now this is an interesting thread... and I think that Once really does boil it down to its essentials.

Part of any strategy is in the "how to make it work" - and the issue of wanting to get things to their "right size" can take on lots of energy. I hear Once using the word "complaint" as a form of saying "I would like for this to change" - and I will add then that as we as human beings are becoming less patient in general (never mind BPD or any other disorder) this becomes more difficult and requires more energy.

You are in the bettering thread - so I would suggest that part of the journey for you is to cultivate a spirituality (messy word - I know - and I use it in the most generic sense) where you get a sense of who you are, just because, unencumbered by anything. You can then choose to live some of that out with your partner, when she is available.

And yes - it's a tight rope - because sometimes that window of opportunity can open and shut more than once in the same day. I had really heated discussions with my now exBPw where I would be pushed and pulled several times in one hour.   Understand that I left not because I gave up per se - the relationship was abusive - and so it really fits in another category.

But the notion of not so much working on oneself - but rather being with the essence of oneself - certainly applies. Had I not had that, I would have ended up in a far worse place.

What kind of things do you do, or would like to do, that get you in touch with your core self?

Rev