Dad sat me down yesterday, prepping me that she basically wants him to repent for his texts against her in front of us, and admit that it is all his fault that she is depressed.
One person (adult) should not tell another person (adult) they have to apologize in front of third parties. This is between her and your dad. She is trying to triangulate. Emotional abuse is often based on an inequality of power. Telling your dad he must apologise for something that does NOT warrant an apology, is an abuse of power. This is just wrong. What are your dad's values about honesty, and genuineness? What are your values about honesty and genuineness? Apologies must be genuine, or they are useless, which this would be, except that it fulfills her "need" to express her supreme authority and power over your dad. I understand your point about this being an exercise to humiliate the poor man. Humiliation is a technique used when there is unequal power balance between two people.
If you weren't living there, I would suggest you refuse to be a party to this game of hers. However, you are living there, so that complicates things further.
I'm guessing you are familiar with the Karpman drama triangle?
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangleWhat would happen if you and your father didn't play "her game"? What would she do, if he didn't apologise?
By the by, has anyone noticed that when someone with BP has an episode that they forget what they did?
Absolutely! This perfectly describes my mom. I've never been able to figure out if she's "faking" not remembering the incident, or if she genuinely has no memory of it. After some reading, and many people on this site reporting the same experience (of pwBPD not remembering their volcanic eruption) I have a theory that when they are in an emotional rage, the brain functions differently, and perhaps that's why they have no recall of the incident.
What if you just had a "visit", and said nothing about these texts? Inotherwords, don't play ball with her.
If it was my mom doing this to my dad, and my mom brought it up:
Mom: (Dad's name) don't you have something to say to the kids?
Dad:
starts an apology...Me: I would stand up and say, "I'm not comfortable being part of this conversation. This problem is between husband and wife. I can't play a part in this as it is between you two. I have to go now."
Mom:
starts protestingMe: "Mom, this is a conversation for husband and wife to have. I have to go now, but I do hope that you two can discuss it like adults, and solve it together. I care about (or love) you both."
Mom:
starts protesting again, or yelling...Me: walk out, go to my bedroom, quietly close the door. Play some music or do some yoga. Possibly lock the door, and put headphones on. Don't come out until she has calmed down. Perhaps have a supply of water and snacks in your bedroom.
There could be all kinds of variations to this, but basically you are setting boundaries.
1) It sets a boundary - that you will not get drawn into an issue that is between your parents.
2) It sets a boundary - that you will not participate in being drawn into her
drama.
3) You are also reminding her and your dad that they need to solve their own problems, and not drag you into their conflict. In effect, you are reminding them how to behave as adults (but don't tell them
that!)
4) Your are not participating in your mom's power games.
5) You are reminding them that you care about them. If she's not expecting this, it could help to disarm her (even if it's just a little bit)
6) For me it would be really important to follow through and
leave the situation, because my values are such that I don't want to participate in a process (escalation, conflict, drama) I don't believe is helpful.
I'm no expert in any of this. I don't really understand your situation, or have to live in it, the way you do. But ultimately, I've come to learn and accept that I have to do and say things that fit with my own VALUES, and the things I believe are important, so that I can feel good about myself afterwards, regardless of the outcome. If my uBPD mom doesn't like something I say or do, those are
her feelings to sort through. Eventually, she calms down. Sometimes it's hours, or it can be days, or it can even be weeks. I believe that it's a basic human right to be able to have my own feelings and beliefs, separate from my mom.
However you decide to handle or respond to whatever comes up and happens tomorrow, it is important to remember that setting boundaries and using new skills takes time to get good at. It's a process. We don't get it all right the first few times. If it goes well tomorrow, GREAT! You can breathe a huge sigh of relief and reflect on why it went well. If it doesn't go well, the important thing is to learn from it and reflect on what you would change or do differently for next time.
Whatever happens, you are just doing the best you can in a really difficult situation, so give yourself a pat on the back, and be especially kind to yourself.
Let us know how it goes.