I think that my partner may have BPD - please help

[Poppy20]

Hi
I’m new to this forum and have been reading about BPD and I think that my partner may have this condition. We have been together for 20 years and I recognise so many of the symptoms described on this website.

It’s such a comfort to realise that i’m not the one responsible for his erratic behaviour. We are at a make or break point in our relationship and i’m not sure if I can cope any longer I think I still love him, although it’s difficult to connect with during periods of instability and upset. He would not consider the possibility that he may have this or any other condition and would say that it was me with the problem. My rational side (which I thankfully manage to hold onto most of the time) tells me it’s not.
I would appreciate any help or advice about how to move forward from here. Is it possible to be happy and content with someone with this disorder without losing or damaging my own mental health in the process? Tank you in advance.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mountain Lake]

Hi Poppy20,

Just wanted to send you a virtual ((hug), and let you know that I can completely relate to where you are at. I am new here as well, (in fact, replying to you is my first post), so I will let the other members who are more familiar with what is appropriate to say and not say respond to your specific question, but just wanted to let you know I feel you, and seeing your question here has given me more courage to put my question out there too.

Best wishes to you and your partner in finding the support you need.

[Dunnart]

Hi,
Same here, only my second ever post but just wanted to say the same, I can relate exactly to what you are saying.  I don't have enough experience either to answer your question, but I am in a similar position. All I can tell you is when I raised it my SO's reaction was terrible.  Things were dire for months afterwards and he said he couldn't carry on if he had it (after reading lots of stuff about it).  Thing I realised is as this is called a 'personality' disorder, and...well a person is their 'personality' as such aren't they,  that's like who they are, their 'being/essence'...I guess it maybe feels like we are saying there is something wrong with THEM rather than they are suffering from an illness disorder which isn't really their fault?

[GetMyLifeBack20]

I can relate to your SO turning it back on you. My husband told me I am most of our problems and that I have more issues than him. This is the same person that can create conflict over things that shouldn't even have a second thought or be vial and cruel tempered over petty things.

Hugs to all of us who live this.

[Poppy20]

Thank you all for you comforting words - It's my first visit back for a while so apologies for not responding sooner. It's helpful to know that there are others out there who understand what it's like to live with someone with this illness. Things have been better recently - we had a fairly honest conversation (done very carefully) and although I haven't ventured anywhere near a BPD conversation with him, he has been fairly calm for the last 3 weeks. However, we have just had a conversation that took us back to that angry place where he got 'frustrated' and upset about a perceived 'bad' comment I made - which in all honesty what fairly ordinary - but I guess that you all know what that's like   We are due to have a 'boundaries' conversation, so I'm hopeful that this will help a lot. I would be keen to know though, if it's possible for things (and him) to improve without a proper diagnosis or am I just fooling myself?

[once removed]

its definitely possible for things to improve.

i would encourage you to really dive into the lessons, the tools, and the communication techniques here.

before heading into the next conversation, what do you want to say to him? i would work it out here, with feedback.

how did the last one go?

[Poppy20]

Hi - it's been a while since I checked in as things have been rather hectic, my elderly mother has recently had a stroke - thankfully she is recovering, but it has taken a great deal of my time sorting out care and support for her. Amazingly my SO has been quite supportive through this, although there has been just a touch of the usual jealousy that I've been giving my family more attention than him

The other big thing in my (our) lives is that we are moving house shortly and are due to complete on our house sale this coming Friday. All has been going ok until yesterday, when we discovered that the solicitor has dropped a couple of balls and the bill they sent over for us to pay prior to completion was incorrect. My SO, who had a rather frustrating day including someone reversing into our car, came home in a foul mood. Later in the day my solicitor called to try and sort out an issue that had occurred with the mortgage. I was speaking to her and he was ranting in the background - eventually I put her on speaker mode and he gave her the full force of his anger over the phone. The poor woman managed somehow to keep here cool but eventually he hung up on her in a fit of pique. I was mortified with frustration and embarrassment at his behaviour. Normally I would let it pass, as I know if I say anything it would cause a row. But his time I was not going to ignore his awful behaviour, so told him that the way he spoke to the solicitor was uncalled for. He hit the roof and said that he's the customer and they are in the wrong because they have messed up which may result in us not completing on time - this is correct and I did say so however I tried to point out that there might have been a better way to handle it than shouting at the poor woman. The main thing that he took offence at was that he felt she spoke sharply to him when she was trying to make a point - something that he absolutely cannot cope with. She was a little sharp, but not in a way that was rude or should have upset anyone. After the call we had an almight row because he feels that I did not 'support' him and that he was right to speak to her how he saw fit.I dissagreed and told him that he should not speak to anyone the way that he did to her and asked him how he would feel if I had been spoken to that way by one of our clients. Something he definately would not tolerate.

After the row he left the house saying that he would not be coming back and would NEVER forgive me. That was last night and I've not heard from him since - which would not normally be an issue, but today we had to send over the funds to our solicitor in order to complete the house sale on Friday. I have tried to pull out of the sale this morning, but we are past that point and have to continue, so he shockingly has not been in contact at all despite me emailing him with this message. After waiting all day I have now just sent over the funds from my own account to complete, but have no idea when I'm going to hear from him. What a complete mess . It's the first time that he has gone off grid for so long especially when there is such an important thing to deal with. I'm at my wits end!  My sister has said that it's never going to be any different and he will always cause me pain. Is now the time to let go?  Please help! xx

[once removed]

pick your battles.

when your loved one is at their most heated is generally not the time to raise the gauntlet or point out the error of their ways.

we are all that way, a little bit. there are times we are more susceptible to being reached, and times where anger and frustration are all we feel and we need to get back to baseline.

my ex and i went to little ceasers once. the guy brought us a lousy made pizza, offered it to us, said theyd remake it if it wasnt good enough. my ex sensed that i was caught somewhere between "oh, whatever" and "hey, im paying for this, make it right". she spoke up and asked them to make it again, said wed wait. when it came out, he told me to ask for her approval, and she let him have it. chewed him out, told him how horrible he was at his job. im sitting there thinking shes not in the wrong, but took it too far, as she tended to do.

i imagine if id told her that at the time, the pizza might have ended up on my windshield.

the time to have these talks is in a time of calm...and in order, not to confront, but to get on the same page.

dont get lost in the minutia of how he spoke to someone, agreeing, or disagreeing. he deals with conflict one way, you deal with it another. primarily, he feels that you sided with her over him, shut him down, hes feeling shame, so hes pouting and shutting you out.

[RestlessWanderer]

Poppy, I can empathize with your situation. It is so hard to manage this type of relationship. The first priority is of course making sure that you are ok. If you don't then you won't be able to move forward, regardless of which path you choose.
Rest assured that you are in the right place here. There are many resources available to help you learn more about BPD and how it distorts the perspective of the afflicted. IMHO the greatest resources here is the people. The forums, at the very least, will help you feel grounded and give you a good foundation on how to handle your specific situation. You will be able to identify people that have lived in very similar situations. In fact, you may find yourself wondering if you didn't write some of these yourself. I'm amazed how many times I have read someone's story and thought that they might be married to the same person as me.
I'm sorry that you're going through this right now and I hope that it turns out ok for you. I'm also sorry that I don't have much advice to offer you. But, you are in the right place.

[Poppy20]

Firstly - thank you for for replying, it's a great help to know that there is someone out there who understands

once removed, it's very interesting to see that you mentioned about shame - It did occur to me at the time, that inside he would be mortified by how he responded, because he hates to see himself as an angry man who could lose his temper so badly with someone - especially a woman (his father used to hit his mother and shout at him and he hates to think that he's anything like his father). Also the phrase 'shut him down' is also something that he uses himself and it is one of the triggers for him if he feels that I, or someone else has done that.

I do have a question though about boundaries - I know that they are important and I do feel that when he expects me to support him however he behaves, it does often overstep my boundaries because I don't agree with his version of events. Is it right to have this as a boundary or am I best just to go along with him to keep the peace? This area is a real hot spot for us as he's often upset because he feels I'm not supporting him and he says that he can't be with someone who doesn't support him (i.e agree with him). and he brings up 3 or 4 times from the distant past when this happened:(. I find it so hard as I feel I'm being dishonest and going against my personal values if I tell him he was right when he clearly wasn't.

He has no relationiship now with any of his family (apart from the occasional telephone call with 1 cousin). In his eyes they have all disprespected him in some way. His mother (who became an alcoholic when his father left and as a result he had a very chaotic childhood) died a couple of years ago. When this happened he re-connected with his estranged sister who he had not spoken to for around 15 years because she said something at the time that upset him. The new relationship was going reasonably well and he was very happy to be back in touch. However his sister was diagnosed with early breast cancer during this time so understandibly she was worried about her health and as a result became less paitent with him whilst they were trying to sort out his mother's estate. One day she was a bit sharp with him on the phone about an overdue gas bill and he hit the roof with her - I was completely shocked that he could do that to someone who was clearly under immense pressure. They were due to meet up the following week and she cancelled the visit - he was really angry and upset as in his eyes he was the one who had been wronged because she was a bit sharp with him on the phone. They have not spoken since - I made a very concerted effort to stay out of this because although I was truly shocked that he has no empathy for her situation, I also knew that he would be furiuos with me if I said anything that would lead him to think that I was 'siding' with her. At the time I recall asking myself 'do I really want to be with a man who can be so self absorbed and lacking in empathy'. Interestingly he believes that he has an outstanding level of empathy developed as a result of his childhood. Sorry to waffle on - it's really good to get this off my chest with people who understand what it's like

[once removed]

I do have a question though about boundaries - I know that they are important and I do feel that when he expects me to support him however he behaves, it does often overstep my boundaries because I don't agree with his version of events. Is it right to have this as a boundary or am I best just to go along with him to keep the peace? This area is a real hot spot for us as he's often upset because he feels I'm not supporting him and he says that he can't be with someone who doesn't support him (i.e agree with him). and he brings up 3 or 4 times from the distant past when this happened:(. I find it so hard as I feel I'm being dishonest and going against my personal values if I tell him he was right when he clearly wasn't.

ive been here, on this board for nearly ten years now. its something i struggle with finding a balance: how to support someone, love someone, be a friend and/or a mentor to someone when i disagree with their version of events, or their actions, or whatever.

for that reason, id encourage you to get involved in the threads of others. it will test and hone your skills.

these relationships are really about finding and learning ways that are more constructive than what we are accustomed to. if you commit to it, stick with it, i can promise you, you will get it, you will find that balance.

I do have a question though about boundaries - I know that they are important and I do feel that when he expects me to support him however he behaves, it does often overstep my boundaries because I don't agree with his version of events. Is it right to have this as a boundary or am I best just to go along with him to keep the peace? This area is a real hot spot for us as he's often upset because he feels I'm not supporting him and he says that he can't be with someone who doesn't support him (i.e agree with him). and he brings up 3 or 4 times from the distant past when this happened:(. I find it so hard as I feel I'm being dishonest and going against my personal values if I tell him he was right when he clearly wasn't.

a good place to start would be to clearly define what your boundary is, and what your personal values are, here. boundaries can be a tricky and elusive concept to navigate. they work best when they are in line with not only our independent values, but our interdependent values as well.