"Parenting solo" and other annoying things other people say

[JaneWrites]

I've been zooming regularly with some friends for a happy hour, which is challenging in my household. Will my BPDh be dysregulated? Will he be raging dysregulated or hiding dysregulated? Will he be jealous that I have a social hour that doesn't involve him? What window to this unhinged household will people potentially see?

So when one of my friends occasionally references how they have a hardship this particular day in "parenting solo" because their husband is traveling or whatever and they will really work to get the kids fed in time, it drives me bonkers! I can't tell you how I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to "parent solo." Yes, sign me up please!

Do others have these moments when you think, "If only you knew what I have to deal with . . . Your hardship sounds like heaven"?

[Baglady]

Hi Jane 

I hear you    Oh the countless, thoughtless comments that I've endured. 

My exBPDh had a psychotic break after 21 years of marriage (27 year relationship). Over the span of several weeks, he split me black, verbally raged at me for days at a time, assaulted me (I had to hide out in a hotel for a week from him).  He cleaned out thousands out of joint bank account, started using drugs, started engaging in pretty out-there new sex-positive group activities, bought new clothes and primped himself in front of me and my child unbeknown to us for a date with a 24 year old. All this occurred in a matter of weeks, while we were still in emergency marriage counseling (which cost more thousands) and while he was insisting on either an open marriage or divorce.  We divorced in 3 months and 5 weeks after moving out, while I literally was still picking up my jaw of the floor and felt like I had been hit over the head with a two-by-four, he was juggling two girlfriends and "had fallen in love".  I had never even heard about personality disorders prior to all of this.  Never occurred to me that my ex had a mental illness because he was relatively high-functioning (although many questionable behaviors that I tolerated make sense now in hindsight)

I reached out for support from my former sister-in-law who has a sibling with a severe mental illness.  She seemed so supportive and I assumed she had some familiarity with what I was dealing with.  After many email threads and calls (she lived out of state) - she simply responded with her final summation.  "Honestly, have you ever considered that he's just really unhappy?"  Whaaaat *&^**$%#^&&&!

Thoughtless comments drive me up the wall but they really are my problem to deal with at the end of the day.  Once you enter BPD land you experience a whole different spectrum of reality that is pretty incomprehensible to the vast majority of normal people.  How much I miss that level of oblivious!  I'm guessing that during my long spell of "normal", I've said many a thing which has likely thoughtlessly grated on someone else's nerves too.  I try to extend grace when I can.

It sure helps to vent though - so happy to have this place to do so and everyone here understands.  Hang in there.

 

Warmly,
B

[JaneWrites]

Uggh, Baglady, that is crushing. I'm so sorry. It's hard thinking you have a rational confidant to realize that you, in fact, do not. Hugs to you.

[pursuingJoy]

JaneWrites, I'm usually over on the PSI or bettering boards, but your post title piqued my interest. I just want to validate what you're saying. I was married for 7 years and had 3 little girls. I then divorced and was a single mom for 9 years.

Parenting was easier when I was single and working full time. It was less stress, less work and more fulfilling. Parenting with a partner, especially one with BPD, can be so draining. 

I do enjoy those social moments and friendships when you can just exist (with some trepidation, because, well, BPD.) I also need support like we find here so I can be real about the crap, because some of it is so hard, I don't want to carry it alone. 

pj

[JaneWrites]

Thanks, PJ, carrying it alone is so crushing! It's so hard when nothing makes sense! OMG the times I think about how I argued about nonsense thinking I would finally get through! There's just no getting through when they don't want you to get through.

It's funny - I'm just musing here, but my BPDh goes on crazy loops of saying the same thing over and over, but louder each time (someone else just mentioned this in their case) and so he has called me cold and unfeeling because "I only want to hear things once" and yet I thought I could win my case by saying things over and over. What a fool's errand this illness is!

[pursuingJoy]

Definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results!  Which is why we're learning to get off the merry-go-round and handle things differently.

I get it, I did the same thing, and I feel the same way about my former self's fruitless efforts. When we know better, we do better, right?

[Cat Familiar]

The trap I fell into was my extreme rationality. I presumed that if I made a logical argument (again and again   ), that I'd eventually get past what I supposed was his "resistance" and we could discuss things as reasonable adults.  

Turns out, I had to overcome my own resistance to trying to learn a new language of BPD and strategies to speak in an entirely different way.

The end result was that the learning curve was worth it. Now I'm fortunate that my husband is mild on the BPD spectrum. Previously I was married to someone who was very extreme on BPD, NPD, and ASPD traits, so I'm not sure had I learned what I know now, then, if I would ever have been able to have a fulfilling relationship.