It has helped me to realize that BPDs really live in the borderland between reality and sanity. But to them both seem real. They cant tell reality apart from their imaginations. Since I have realized that (it took a long time to accept it though), I realize that when she does say these lies, they are not about me but a reflection of her disorder.
So well said Stargazer. My uBPD mom has an active imagination that is built around the negative. Some years ago, her BF was travelling to his hometown, and visiting old friends and family. She imagined some scenario where he was visiting a "woman", and the next thing I new, he had bought her a "ring". My mom was beside herself and experiencing an "overtime dysregulation". That was about 12 years ago, and H and I believed everything she told us, because we didn't know any better, and had no knowledge or understanding of BPD. She manipulated us into having a "talk" with him when he got back into our town (we were on more of a fact finding mission), but when he heard us tell him mom had said he was having an "affair", the whole thing blew up and he blamed us. I don't blame the poor guy for reacting, but he shot the messengers. Then mom blamed us too because he got angry, and she immediately got back together with him. It was craziness. From my experience, this is an example of how the BPD lives in a "borderline" zone of reality and non-reality". The non-reality is their own imagination, but once they have imagined or "thought" something, it becomes a fact for them, and it is indeed very VERY real to them. Any conversation to point out the contrary via JADEing, will only add to the toxic drama. Does this example of confusing imagination with reality make any sense with your situation Shield Me? Also, the BPD's sense of self-hatred is probably why they project nasty lies onto
you. Here's a link to projection:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0I have learned (am still learning but getting better at it) to let my uBPD mom live her own life, and make all her own mistakes, and sort out all her own problems. She tells untruths about H and I too (we can tell by how one of her friends stiffens up when we come to the door at the same as the friend is there). A person just "feels" this by how other people react to you right, because they are judging you based on the info they got fed from the BPD?
I I have learned that you can't just let the lies stand as many people tend to believe what they hear, though others don't. Do give other people your side of the story.
I think this is OK to use where you have caught your brother in a red handed lie (speaking only to the persons he told the lie to), but I would clarify by adding "only in terms of gentle self-advocation", and without mentioning anything about the actual BPD. After that, I would avoid triangulation, which could get messy.
I once posted the question "do BPD's have a conscience?" in relation to all the lies they tell? Didn't really get a lot of responses to that, but did some online research of my own. What I gleaned from my reading is that everything they say is truth because they FEEL it (emotion). BPD is a disease of emotional dysregulation and that's why generally only their "closest" relationships are affected by the disease. To the outside world, they are perfectly normal, which leaves us feeling helpless and alone. But since their feelings are their truths, they have nothing to apologise for, and therefore a clean conscience. That is my own interpretation from my research. Maybe others would have different interpretations. Not sure if this helps put any meaning or understanding to your brother's behavior.
I have been "social distancing" myself from my mother for a lot longer than I have from Covid 19. It helps to keep me healthier, if I distance myself from both of them.
What your sibling says doesn't define who you are. What he believes doesn't need to be what you believe or accept about yourself.
I like this from Woolspinner. I find it better to look after myself by doing healthy things like eating well, getting physical activity, spending time around friends and positive people, enjoying hobbies and work/volunteering, than getting stuck on the mouse wheel of ruminating on the negativity our BPD brings into our life. When an event happens, I just try to distract myself with healthy activities, but it's really really really hard, because the BPD makes it so personal right, and they are so
frustrating. What matters most is that you know and believe you are a good person, and you DON'T believe the lies your brother is spreading about you. They aren't worth giving them any time to think about right?
You're right when you say "blood is thicker than water" is a lie, with BPD's in the family. I believe every "rule" has an exception eg. "i" before "e" except after "c".
Hang in there Shield Me and try to find ways to look after
yourself.
