Some thoughts on Compassion

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,
I recently had a bit of a breakthrough when it comes to having compassion and empathizing with our BPD/NPD exes. I recently was involved with someone who was not BPD, but he clearly had a serious empathy deficit which caused me to seek it from him. I had a really hard time detaching from him because It was incomprehensible to me how little empathy he was able to offer - so I kept being vulnerable in the hope it would do something, but he kept refusing me. I then came to the realization that what kept me hooked on this guy was the fact that I myself was unable to give myself the empathy and compassion I needed. During a meditation session I was really able to give this to myself, and suddenly I needed nothing from this ex. It's so weird because I was attracted to exploring our vulnerability together, and he wanted no such thing - he was repulsed by it in fact which caused me to express it even more with him - so we kept repeating a cycle of my trying to reach him and him refusing me.

So... what if people who have difficulty detaching were able to give themselves the compassion and empathy that they fantasize their BPD ex would give them. THe exercise that helped me most was Tara Brach's RAIN meditation technique. The visualization aspect of it - nurture - was a bit of a breakthrough for me. Because what it did was made me realize that I somehow blamed myself for my ex's empathy deficit and thought that he would be able to offer empathy to someone else who was different and behaved the way he needed someone to behave. But once I was able to give myself unconditional compassion and empathy, my ex's deficiency became so glaring and unappealing that I immediately ceased needing and wanting anything from him. I also remembered the things that he said about other women or other people in passing - and how incredibly judgemental and disdainful of them he was. He married someone who he brought over from another country - probably someone quite vulnerable - and walked out on her after a few months because she was insecure and jealous. He had so much anger against her. There was no empathy, no compassion, no desire to understand. Suddenly I was able to see a pattern that he engages in that has nothing to do with me. It has allowed me to accept him the way he is and that he cannot offer what I want the most in a relationship: empathy and connection.  I thought I would share - because we fantasize a lot that these hurt people can give us what we need because they are withholding what we need. They aren't withholding. They are broken and cannot offer us more than what they have already given.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi,
I recently had a bit of a breakthrough when it comes to having compassion and empathizing with our BPD/NPD exes. I recently was involved with someone who was not BPD, but he clearly had a serious empathy deficit which caused me to seek it from him. I had a really hard time detaching from him because It was incomprehensible to me how little empathy he was able to offer - so I kept being vulnerable in the hope it would do something, but he kept refusing me. I then came to the realization that what kept me hooked on this guy was the fact that I myself was unable to give myself the empathy and compassion I needed. During a meditation session I was really able to give this to myself, and suddenly I needed nothing from this ex. It's so weird because I was attracted to exploring our vulnerability together, and he wanted no such thing - he was repulsed by it in fact which caused me to express it even more with him - so we kept repeating a cycle of my trying to reach him and him refusing me.

So... what if people who have difficulty detaching were able to give themselves the compassion and empathy that they fantasize their BPD ex would give them. THe exercise that helped me most was Tara Brach's RAIN meditation technique. The visualization aspect of it - nurture - was a bit of a breakthrough for me. Because what it did was made me realize that I somehow blamed myself for my ex's empathy deficit and thought that he would be able to offer empathy to someone else who was different and behaved the way he needed someone to behave. But once I was able to give myself unconditional compassion and empathy, my ex's deficiency became so glaring and unappealing that I immediately ceased needing and wanting anything from him. I also remembered the things that he said about other women or other people in passing - and how incredibly judgemental and disdainful of them he was. He married someone who he brought over from another country - probably someone quite vulnerable - and walked out on her after a few months because she was insecure and jealous. He had so much anger against her. There was no empathy, no compassion, no desire to understand. Suddenly I was able to see a pattern that he engages in that has nothing to do with me. It has allowed me to accept him the way he is and that he cannot offer what I want the most in a relationship: empathy and connection.  I thought I would share - because we fantasize a lot that these hurt people can give us what we need because they are withholding what we need. They aren't withholding. They are broken and cannot offer us more than what they have already given.

[Football2000]

I think a large problem with someone with BPD as opposed to someone who completely lacks empathy is that someone with BPD might actually have a lot of empathy at certain times (like not when they are triggered). So you get these really nice moments with them. It's like the rat experiment where it is erratically rewarded for pressing the lever. Compared to a predictable reward schedule, the erratically rewarded rat has the hardest time to stop pressing the lever.

[Marianne-11]

Hi C,

Your experiences with  your ex sound so familiar to me. My ex could not stand signs of vulnerability in me. He often became either really angry or passive aggressive if I was in a situation where most people would be compassionate. Like being very ill in the hospital, or loosing a relative etc.

What puzzles me today still is that he can be extremely (and I mean over the top) compassionate towards a complete stranger (say he watched a tv show or read something in the news) and himself. In tv shows he sympathized typically the ”bad guys”   

Anyhow, thank you so much for sharing your experience of RAIN meditation. I’ve been meaning to read something from Tara Brach, maybe it is a good time now. I am glad to hear you’ve found comfort in meditation.

[Dyson]

Thank you, caughtandreleased - your post has really helped me in my ongoing process of understanding my ex's lack of empathy and compassion -more importantly, it has had the effect of me questioning my own relationship to this lack in my ex, and what it is telling about my own needs