Really struggling

[BearInHell]

Hello...I am really struggling. My wife of over two decades has long struggled with emotional well-being. We're now separated but still living together, and I am once again the sole and exclusive reason for all of her hurts and troubles. She has not been diagnosed with BPD, but every aspect of her life and our life together point directly to this. I've had counselors tell me that based on my interactions with her and our fight patters, she must have BPD. In every argument we have, I'm told by her that I'm wrong, that I cause all of the problems, that she is the victim, etc. I'm always on egg shells, always apologizing (many times for the most benign things), always wrong, always confused, and always left in tears. One time, she fought and yelled at me for an entire day because she accused me of looking under the bed covers and then denying it. I had no idea what she was talking about or why I would be looking under the covers, but this is just a classic example of our fights. She accuses me of something I either flat out didn't do, or that was never intended to be hurtful, and then she explodes in rage at me for hours or days on end. Currently, she says I completely ruined her life and that she hates me. I'm just lost and confused and needing support.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Football2000]

Wow, gosh. That sounds hard. That is pretty much exactly what happened to me as well. Let me tell you it's really heartbreaking.

I think you should look around here and figure out some good communication strategies.

For example, I thought I was pretty good at communication before I met my wife. However, what happened was that I also tend to enable her behavior as well. For example, long rages actually made me scared of her and her reactions, so I would try to avoid certain topics and telling her stuff that would make her angry. That in turn led to her being very suspicious. That just made the cycle worse and worse.

If I could change one thing it would be to be more clear about my own feelings earlier, instead of trying to close up because I was too scared of her. Because that will just lead to worse and worse interactions over time.

[ladygrace]

Sorry to hear that 20years of your life have been turbulent.
I’m surprised she hasn’t been diagnosed.  Sounds like some scary symptoms you have to deal with. Does she take medication at all?
I hope you find the answer you’re looking for.
I said to my SO that I needed support as he didn’t want me talking to anyone about him so I joined this site. He was quite put out but he’s been on best behaviour since I told him. I feel more empowered knowing how to deal with the outbursts better.
It’s worth reading all the tips.
Take care. 

[BearInHell]

Thank you both for the reply. I just don't know what to do moving forward. Everything my BPD wife says indicates that she has completely devalued me to point of no return. Just now we were arguing and she said she will never trust me again, that I've shown her that it wouldn't matter to anyone if she existed or not, that anything that I've ever done to be kind or loving to her was done out of selfish desires and was in-genuine. I feel like I have literally been erased, like from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. She has taken a relationship that started in middle school and is willing to throw it away and not even consider that we need counseling help. She blames me for every problem we've ever had, says I never cared to fix things (even though I'm always the one who has tried counseling only to have her back out every time), says that she can never trust me again, and says that nothing I do is sincere. Is there any chance of changing the mind of someone who views things like this? She has cut so many other people out of her life, and I never thought I would be the one to ultimately be cut out, though she has definitely done this to me before, just not to this extent and for this long (it's been going on since May). I just need help to see things clearly! I am so confused and lost right now.

[LittleMissQuirky]

Hello 

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a turbulent time with your wife.  It's completely understandable that you feel lost, hurt and perhaps like things are hopeless.

I can't tell you what is the best course of action here other than that I do feel things are unlikely to improve unless she agrees to seek help for her emotional troubles.  I have been in very similar situations to the one you describe multiple times with my partner.  In my experience, once the 'always' and 'never' statements start, this is a sign that their view of the relationship and its history has become warped and can't be taken as their proper, balanced view of things when they are in a better frame of mind.  However, I totally get how heart-breaking it is to hear someone you love and have put so much into not only getting mad at things you are doing now, but retrospectively putting a negative spin on the relationship and de-valuing it.  I have been told before that my partner knew he didn't want to be with me within the first month, that everything I ever thought was nice between us was just him trying to feel something he doesn't feel and that he just doesn't want to be with me anymore.  It's incredibly hurtful and I guess everyone has to know their limits of how much of this type of behaviour they can take.  However, if you can think of instances in the recent past when she has said or behaved otherwise, I think their is a good chance that she is simply going through a particularly difficult spell and isn't thinking straight.

However, that doesn't mean you should put up with this indefinitely or ignore how it is making you feel.  Nor does it negate the responsibility she has to seek help and learn to better relate to you and others.  Do you think you could try to set some boundaries around these types of behaviours to protect yourself?  I suppose you also may want to ask yourself whether you get enough positives from the relationship to keep working at it.  Your own happiness and wellbeing is just as important as that of your wife so perhaps consider whether you can be happy while with her, particularly if she refuses to seek help.

I hope things get better for you soon, sounds like things are really tough.

[Football2000]

Is there any chance of changing the mind of someone who views things like this? She has cut so many other people out of her life, and I never thought I would be the one to ultimately be cut out, though she has definitely done this to me before, just not to this extent and for this long (it's been going on since May). I just need help to see things clearly! I am so confused and lost right now.

With my situation, I had a bad feeling that I'd one day be the one being cut out. I just had a gut feeling.

Onto the topic of whether you can change her mind: my opinion is that the best way to change her mind is to let her mind change on its own. If she is at the total devaluation state, then chances are talking to her will just fuel the fire. All the techniques in the book won't help. What she needs is to somehow find herself again and only that will change her mind, and she can only do that without you trying to do it for her.

I totally get it. Having personally experienced a total devaluation, I understand how confusing it must be. With other relationships (with non BPDs), their end seemed to make sense, as sad as they were. It's because of the lack of consistency. Someone who is consistent with their relationship evaluation just makes sense whether it is positive or negative. But in a relationship where one person fluctuates, it is senseless on an emotional level.

Hang in there!