Struggling to cope

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 I am in turmoil. I dated a guy diagnosed with BPD for three years. We recently broke up and it has left me heartbroken and without closure. I need to talk to someone as I feel I am losing my mind. Some days are better than others, but I’m really struggling to process this. I know it’s for the best it’s just the way he ended it was incredibly mean and hurtful. I feel angry and embarrassed that after almost two months that I still can’t move on. I doubt myself and wonder what I could have done better. I am lucky that I have very supportive, loving friends and that I will be okay one day again. However, I feel like someone under a spell. I just can’t seem to snap out of it.

He seems to have moved on and has just cut me off. I feel so hurt as I took so many risks dating him. I work for myself and I am very independent. He still lives with his parents and is scared to move out of the house. I mean normally I would never date a guy that is this insecure and not even self sufficient. My main problem with him has always been his lack of accountability. I keep asking myself how did I get here? Why did I allow this? Why did I not stick to my boundaries? I feel like a ghost of my former self. Once upon a time I was happy, confident and full of life. Now I just feel depleted and even eating has become too much effort.

I know I should stop focusing on him and this relationship, but I haven’t found my ‘click’ - that special ah-ha moment that makes me snap out of this depressive spell. Does anyone have some advice for me? Is there something I’m missing? I feel like I would never be able to date again. It’s just too painful.

[Vrede May]

 I am in turmoil. I dated a guy diagnosed with BPD for three years. We recently broke up and it has left me heartbroken and without closure. I need to talk to someone as I feel I am losing my mind. Some days are better than others, but I’m really struggling to process this. I know it’s for the best it’s just the way he ended it was incredibly mean and hurtful. I feel angry and embarrassed that after almost two months that I still can’t move on. I doubt myself and wonder what I could have done better. I am lucky that I have very supportive, loving friends and that I will be okay one day again. However, I feel like someone under a spell. I just can’t seem to snap out of it.

He seems to have moved on and has just cut me off. I feel so hurt as I took so many risks dating him. I work for myself and I am very independent. He still lives with his parents and is scared to move out of the house. I mean normally I would never date a guy that is this insecure and not even self sufficient. My main problem with him has always been his lack of accountability. I keep asking myself how did I get here? Why did I allow this? Why did I not stick to my boundaries? I feel like a ghost of my former self. Once upon a time I was happy, confident and full of life. Now I just feel depleted and even eating has become too much effort.

I know I should stop focusing on him and this relationship, but I haven’t found my ‘click’ - that special ah-ha moment that makes me snap out of this depressive spell. Does anyone have some advice for me? Is there something I’m missing? I feel like I would never be able to date again. It’s just too painful.

[FindingMe2011]

I am in turmoil. I dated a guy diagnosed with BPD for three years. We recently broke up and it has left me heartbroken and without closure. I need to talk to someone as I feel I am losing my mind

Just as the illness dictates. There is no closure coming from BPD, it can only come from you...the illness does this for recycles, there is never enough supply...The feelings you are experiencing are FOG...Fear, Obligation, and Guilt, which appears to be a common occurrence on here, you are not alone.

Some days are better than others, but I’m really struggling to process this.

With better understanding of the illness, possibly your grieving process could be assisted. Its a roller coaster ride, and many bumps are to be expected. These feelings are partly responsible for keeping you in this toxic r/s. Be kind and forgiving to YOU, and put fewer expectations on yourself, for now.

 https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0

These are all very excellent questions and I have a feeling the answers may surprise you and serve you well.

I keep asking myself how did I get here? Why did I allow this? Why did I not stick to my boundaries?

Couldnt help to notice that you almost answer one of your questions

I doubt myself and wonder what I could have done better.

From my standpoint, all in all, there was nothing I/you could have done. Im not a match for Cluster B disorders, but i sure knew how to come up with another plan to make things work, In reality i was doing the same thing over and over, looking for a different result. Hmmmm sounds like enabling, not helping.

I feel like a ghost of my former self. Once upon a time I was happy, confident and full of life. Now I just feel depleted and even eating has become too much effort.

Been there. This is the time to take care of YOU. Eat, sleep, and exercise, no more or no less until you can achieve all simultaneously. Process this ordeal in a healthy way, and you will come out the other end, stronger than ever before. Many on here can attest, as Im sure you will hear from some.

I mean normally I would never date a guy that is this insecure and not even self sufficient. My main problem with him has always been his lack of accountability.

Your instincts, on the idea of a potential partner are good, but in this instance you decided not to listen to wise mind. Learning of the illness will give you insight.

I know I should stop focusing on him and this relationship, but I haven’t found my ‘click’ - that special ah-ha moment that makes me snap out of this depressive spell.

This is the process for most. Analyze the partner, analyze the r/s, maybe the illness, and then hopefully get to the part where you analyze yourself. This is where the true healing is. Many ah-ha moments await you.

Is there something I’m missing?

Sure seems like it, maybe part of the confusion you are experiencing. You have come to the right place. Be patient with yourself, you didnt get here in one day, and work will be required to exit. I wish you well, Peace

[Lucky Jim]

I keep asking myself how did I get here? Why did I allow this? Why did I not stick to my boundaries? I feel like a ghost of my former self. Once upon a time I was happy, confident and full of life. Now I just feel depleted and even eating has become too much effort.

Hey Vrede, Welcome!  Don't beat yourself up.  Most of us ignored red flags and allowed boundaries to be trampled.  Who knew?  It's all part of a r/s with a pwBPD.  Now is a good time to return the focus to you and your needs.  It's easy to lose oneself in a BPD r/s.  Get back to being who you are at your core.  Strive for authenticity.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Become who you are.  You get the idea!  Going through the BPD crucible is painful, yet in my view it leads to greater happiness.

LuckyJim

[Vrede May]

Hi Cat and Jim

Thank you for your message. I have been so down and I have been crying a lot again the past couple of days. I found out that he is pursuing this girl who I always wanted to meet because she was his only female  “friend”. (He doesn’t really have many friends.) He told me that he doesn’t get on that well with her so no need to meet her. Therefore I left it. He didn’t like any of my male friends. Even the ones he knew were old friends of mine for many years. I mostly hiked with these guys because where I live the mountains can be very unsafe. (I live in Africa.)

He gave me a skipping rope and said I should rather exercise at home then there is no need to walk with these guys on the mountain. Which I eventually did to prove to him I love him and I don’t want to do any that makes him feel uncomfortable.  I asked him several times to come hiking with me and he came about twice in 10 months! Always an excuse. He knew hiking was one of my passions- I basically gave it up for him.

Today I saw pictures of him and the “friend” hiking together and then another post of them hanging out. He has literally replaced me with her. Doing all the things I begged him to do with me. It broke my heart.

Here I am feeling sad with many of my guy friends wanting to hang out, go for dinner and hikes and I have been to sad and feeling it’s too soon to socialize. Although, most of them have girlfriends and are just missing their old friend. I am still stuck in the mental prison of not being allowed to see these people. However, There he is having a ball with the very girl he claimed wasn’t really his friend.

It dawned on me that he was waiting for her to break up with her boyfriend and always had her waiting in the wings. That’s why when we broke up he came back after two weeks because she was still with her guy! Then when she finally called it quits with him he just sent me a message over text with no explanation and blocked me? Yet just the night before he was begging to come for dinner at my house.

I really feel so used. He played me for 3 years. He treated me like a toy. When he felt like having me around he would confess his undying love, but when someone he fancied was around he would find a way to create conflict and pursue them. It’s all about attention. Who can give him the best/most attention.

I can’t believe I actually believed him when he said he loved me or that he was sorry. I honestly feel so stupid. I’m not a teenager. I’ve been in enough relationships to know when someone is lying. Yet I believed him?

My only explanation is that he caught me at a weak moment. I have been going through a lot these past 3 years. Death, major financial loss and serious personal changes, even spiritually. He pretended to “support” me, but now in hindsight looking back, he often made those situations worse, because he wasn’t the center of attention.

For example he never knew my recently deceased stepfather. My family is very private and the funeral was only for close friends and relatives. He insisted that he wanted to come. I asked my grieving mother and she said no they only want me there. I am close to my mother, but I have never been Very close to my stepfather’s family. Therefore I understood why my mum only wanted me there. He made such a drama about it. He made me call my mother in front of him to ask her why he couldn’t come. Afterwards he went on a rant about how his family accepts me but my mother doesn’t make an effort with him. For heaven’s sake the woman just lost her husband after being  married for over 25 years? Everything was always all about him.

Anyway, I can go on for hours. I dont know why I loved him so much. I really believed he would change. I always chose to see the best in him and was always surprised when he acted like this. Yet this behavior was actually the norm.

Now he is with this new girl and they seem to be happy. Then I think why didn’t I get treated nicely? Why was I belittled and disrespected? Why was I made to be the problem? All of his words still cut me up although I know deep down they aren’t true.

Luckily I do have very loving and caring friends and I have support. However I feel like this relationship triggered all my  traumas from my past and I feel like a mental case. I am struggling to move forward and I have to admit I’m suffering from severe depression. This is not me. I’m not a depressed person. I don’t know who I am anymore : (

Vrede May

[FindingMe2011]

I dont know why I loved him so much.

However I feel like this relationship triggered all my  traumas from my past and I feel like a mental case.

You would be right again. Keep investigating but please make concerted efforts to eat, sleep, exercise. Look forward to your next hike, it will come. Have faith in you.Here is a post that may shed some insight. It was a past member


 It's not about reality. Borderline is about fantasy. It is about yearning. It is a thought disorder (a belief system) that one will find the perfect true love, the soulmate in order to fuse to and be carried throughout life, enmeshed together. In a sense it is about the entitlement of a small child who doesn't know how to grow up. The child cries and cries about being alone and then once picked up and carried cries and cries to get free. In a sense BPD's don't know how to get what they want- but between these two polar opposites is intense *yearning* which is obsessive.

What you are experiencing in the aftermath of a break-up is also yearning, but it swings from *hope* to *uncertainty* which causes obsessive thought.  :)orothy Tennov calls this the state of "limerance." Limerance is often brought into object relations theory as an infatuation for an object.

It's really about objectification of an object and what the object can do for you- but stay with me here and let me explain:

Mirroring reenacts childhood dynamics of Mother's gaze. That's when you <<feel>> most loved as an infant. Your tiny brain is growing quickly and very plastic and trying to make sense of the feelings from Mother's gaze. Our tiny brains sort out and file the feeling away where it remains until the adult brain can recall it at a later time.

When a BPD mirrors in order to attach to us, they reactivate this coda from childhood. When the BPD goes away they take with them the catalyst for the activation- and this creates a tremendous, obsessive desire for their return. Tennov calls this being in a state of limerance with the BPD being your "limerant object."

When your limerant object goes away with someone else- you obsess over the idea that you will never feel this way again *and* you maintain a vigil of hope balanced against uncertainty. The more hope, the less uncertainty. The more uncertainty, the less hope. You can see how this might create a OCD like thought process of obsessive evaluation. One can scan for clues by checking the daily barometer of the ex-partner's new relationship which only fuels the obsession. Facebook, google, etc. etc.

Comparing oneself to the new partner: are you greater than or less than? In your mind the answer gives you either hope or uncertainty and keeps you deep in the obsessive limerance toward the return of your limerant object.

Tennov did research on the many destructive tendencies of people in limerance. It's intrusive cognitive components, the obsessional quality that may feel voluntary but yet defies control are aspects of the state of limerance. Limerance is an involuntary state- so when well meaning friends and family tell you to *get over it* and just move on - they aren't addressing how to solve the infatuation that remains like a flu.

Most people suffering from limerance agreed that they might not have put so much energy into hope for their limerant object's return if they knew success was impossible from the start- but they couldn't be made to feel any other way until they realized that Borderlines LIVE in limerant FANTASY. That fantasy world is an escape and Borderlines use it to shirk personal responsibility. Limerance expects understanding (often in the form of an apology from the limerant object.) Again, this is fantasy. Do not hold out hope for one.

Realize that limerance is involuntary. It will only fade if you let hope fizzle for your limerant object's return and place a certain boundary that stops the uncertainty. Easier said than done, but necessary if you want to heal. Cry. Kick a Can. Feel terrible.  As Tennov writes: " Recognize too, that once the gates of your limerant object's mind are closed on someone else- and against you- the hope you need to fuel your own passion must run dry. With this recognition you may end your limerance and reconstruct your life."  Hope this helps.  I wish you well, Peace

[Vrede May]

Thank you. That is spot on - it is exactly how I feel. How do I snap out of this limberance? The worst part is he is posting things on social media on how he had to 'save' me and how I dragged him down? It is crazy. This after he on numerous occasions begged me to come fetch hi at his house because ehe can't be alone and wanted to be at my house with me.

I might be sad right now and struggling to cope, but that I am not on medication or had to get booked off work for "anxiety". He kept telling me that he is struggling at work and it is too much for him and that I am not showing enough compassion for his situation. Now he is telling people that I am the one that is "drowning" and that he can't keep saving me. What absolute nonsense? He is really delusional. It is like whatever he is feeling he projects it onto me. For example he never trusted me in the relationship, yet he was the one who cheated on me?

It makes one think, am I losing my mind? I know I am loyal, committed and caring. Yes, I have gone through hard times recently but I have never tried to kill myself or had to go on medication to cope with everyday life. Why does he think he needs to save me?

Personally, I think he knows he hurt me in the way he ended stuff with a cold text message. He knows that kind of behaviour would hurt me, but not he tries to justify it by saying he had to do it because if he didn't I would have dragged him down. What a load of crap?

Any person with feeling and a heart would be sad when someone close to them just cuts them off after, they (ie me) took them back after the 1st breakup. If anything I am more upset and sad with myself for doing that. Look now... he just used it to give me another stab in my heart and to actually try and convince the world he had to do it because I was too emotionally taxing?

Anyway, I wish I didn't care. I honesty wish I never met him. I just want to get me back. How do I do that? How do I get out of this obsessive limbo state? Any advice?

[FindingMe2011]

Thank you. That is spot on - it is exactly how I feel.

Your welcome and i thought maybe this would help, if my assumptions were on. this should give you some validation that youre not crazy, your human. Knowledge is much more powerful than i ever could have imagined

How do I snap out of this limberance?

Read it again, and again, and again, you will see something different each time. This is the mind---k of narcissistic traits, i would know. LOL, I did the same thing, when I found a different belief ( especially one that finally made sense) it was really that hard to let go of my old ones. I would read things 100s of times over, it seemed like. i came back recently, went over old threads and learned some more. its been a 9 year journey...It takes time, you need to detach

The worst part is he is posting things on social media on how he had to 'save' me and how I dragged him down? It is crazy. This after he on numerous occasions begged me to come fetch hi at his house because ehe can't be alone and wanted to be at my house with me.

LOL, more like me...You will feel the need to defend yourself. If you DONT you will actually learn more about the people around you. Your friends will be your friends, and the ones you thought were, will become exposed. A win for you. Expect a smear campaign, he (i believe unconsciously) understands this will get him a conflict, dont feed the illness, he knows your weaknesses because he knows his.

Now he is telling people that I am the one that is "drowning" and that he can't keep saving me. What absolute nonsense? He is really delusional. It is like whatever he is feeling he projects it onto me.

It is projection, good guess. It should read "I am drowning and Verde May will save me, over and over and over" or something close. It is a mindfreak until you understand the order to the disorder. Its always cryptic speak. Especially when they become dis regulated.

I know I am loyal, committed and caring

And so does the illness, there are millions of us. Do some research on the Narcissist/Borderline r/s, fascinating dynamic. The perfect storm, doomed from about 4 weeks into the r/s. The hook has been set. I willingly swallowed it.

For example he never trusted me in the relationship, yet he was the one who cheated on me?

He never trusted his mother, you have been placed in the punitive parent role , for now. This will change,(Karpmans Triangle) the illness always returns to the victim role. its the order.

He knows that kind of behaviour would hurt me,

And BPD will bang you in the teeth, with all the info you have given it.

but not he tries to justify it by saying he had to do it because if he didn't I would have dragged him down.

This more cryptic talk, and a look inside his head. This is true in BPD world, in some way i just cant see exactly how, yet. its a bondage/persecutor dynamic

Any person with feeling and a heart would be sad when someone close to them just cuts them off after, they (ie me) took them back after the 1st breakup.

its your longing for how it was, a fantasy...each time you go back you will feel worse in the aftermath...i hope not, but you may have to touch the stove a few more times before you realize its hot. Its in your DNA, for now. LOL  A split self (this is why they need YOU)can not feel empathy, they can only mimmick yours. They do it well, plenty of practice, a lifetime. if you pay attention you will say things and you can tell it just doesnt compute.

Anyway, I wish I didn't care. I honesty wish I never met him.

LOL, I said some more of this. But in actuality caring is a big part of your real self, so your stuck with it, just invest in people you KNOW are helping themselves...Meeting him gives you an opportunity to understand you (i suggest you dont pass this opportunity, you could understand this as a gift, I promise) and a better version of you will grow, its liberating.

I just want to get me back. How do I do that? How do I get out of this obsessive limbo state? Any advice?

LOL, i remember wanting the magic pill so i could go on with my life...You will get you back and hopefully more...Read again and this time be kind and forgiving to you as you grieve, its the process and right now you have no patience for YOU, doesnt appear fair to me ? ...keep posting, see a T, I wish you well, Peace

[FindingMe2011]

There's an old saying: "Guilt is for what you do, Shame is for who you are."

Borderlines have pain/victimization schemas, they do feel intense shame and this surfaces in acting behaviors. Guilt is felt mostly by the *partners* of Borderlines, due to the rage they often experience during the inexplicable distortions of the Borderline's accusations.  Paradoxically Borderlines will accuse their partners of the very things they are guilty of. Those accusations by their very nature ARE guilt-producing to the partner.

Since Borderlines are "as-if" personalities, they demand that people help them figure things out, similar to a parent-child system. This is where your guilt comes in handily.

Borderline guilt cannot possibly hold a candle to your guilt. Or to the shame of who they think they are- although you have a different thinking. The thoughts about what you think of them is predicated upon their perceptions of you as a punitive slavemaster and the abandoned or the angry child (the two part time selves that swing back and forth on the pendulum.) There isn't much of a feeling of responsibility or guilt there. Everything is a reaction to a supposed pre-set of plays which is the victimization schema of the Borderline.

Self-awareness of this schema is often protected from surfacing due to their dissociation. This is called their "self-protector" mode.

The reason that Borderlines are so difficult to treat in therapy, is that they often go into this detached self protector mode as it represents the "adult" self. The protector-that's the self that you see during a confrontation over lies. That's the adult you see when you try to get an apology.  The detached "self-protector" doesn't feel at all.  All you get is silence or avoidance of any conflict resolution.  You are a threat and the protector is shielding the part time children; one an angry child and the other an abandoned child.

"Borderlines are already pre-programmed and pre-scripted to identify with negative projections and ready to respond and act in a certain way.  First the Borderline complies, submits, gets depressed then apologizes, giving way to the submissive, victimized self.  In some case, the Borderline will retaliate, seek revenge and then betray" ~Lachkar

During this process, you are now being showered with all the abuse that was actually intended for the Borderline's punitive parent.  You've taken their place. It doesn't matter if you remove yourself physically, that hypercritical punitive parent sleeps inside their psyche and when awakened comes out and continues ranting. This is the internal "punitive parent" that lives within them and creates the fear for the two children, one trying to attach and the other trying to escape.

Detaching from this splitting means that your <guilt for what you couldn't do> and your <shame for who you think you are> needs to be addressed so that you don't get pulled back for successive tries without knowing what the point of all this is.  That's the beauty of radical acceptance right there- because you really need to address your own reasoning while also realizing the depth of the disorder.

At a certain point, your partner needs to handle their own life. It's up to them. In turn, you must handle your own and you'll feel better about your life because it's not being used for someone elses need. Once you determine what you can change and what you cant- you'll feel allot better. You'll also realize that you loved this person, but they are emotionally unavailable for a reason- and the reason has nothing to do with you. That should eliminate much of the guilt and shame right there.  Just a little, but it's a start.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

[BuildingFromScratch]

Vrede May: Don't be fooled into thinking he is treating her right and things are wonderful. He might fool himself and her that things are wonderful for a short period of time, but after that she's gonna be treated like dirt, just like you.

If he has BPD then he is most likely trying to put up this facade to you and to the world, that makes it look like you were the problem and not him, except he is the problem and he will do the same thing to this girl too.

If anything I'd feel sorry for her.

I've found that as I've built a new life without my ex, the less I long for her, and at this point I don't long for her at all. Whenever I look at the good memories, I remind myself of all the bad memories and think to myself. "Why would a small amounts of happy moments be worth all the crap I put up with?" and I think "Do I even really believe these happy moments were based on anything genuine?" and I don't.

A lot of these things will come with time, it sounds like things are still fairly raw, so at first it's gonna be hard to just get him off your mind.

I find that journaling really helps me to stop obsessive thoughts, I can express my feelings and thoughts (even to another person) without talking to them, and I can let it all out, and then the thoughts have less energy and I can switch gears to something else.

Good luck, hope you feel better.

[Coach T]

Wow, I just have to comment on Finding Me2011: That was an amazing post! I have done so much reading and it is spot on!

For Vrede,

I am sad that you experienced the pain of BPD, but you will fine because I can see you are taking good steps to heal. Journaling is a crucial reflection on your thoughts and actions as the occur and when you look back on them day, weeks, or months later, you will see the progress in your mental health as you deal with the ending of your relationship with a pwBPD. It is something I am doing as well and as I look at my entries, it helps me to see that I have made a great choice to move on with my life and choose my mental health over that of someone else.  You have friends to love, a strong sense of self, and when you have the time to process your pain, you will be a stronger and more self aware person of the things that you want in a healthy relationship. Bless you going forward and my prayers will be with you for a healthy life ahead!