Completely lost

[Sayoko]

I am in the middle of moving out and possibly getting divorced.  I am devastated.  I really wish things could go back to the way things were before.  I wish I had been enough and I wish he could see that I loved him so much but he was hurting me and my daughter.

I probably have Bpd.  He has control/jealousy issues.  The latest things that have triggered me are him saying that "all women cheat", that I have serious issues and that this is all my fault.

I really miss when he would see how after a fight he had said something that was out of line and apologize and we would work on getting better, now all I see is just resentment and hatred.  It is really sad.

The thing I hate most about myself is not caring about my own self-worth.  After he told me that there are no women who don't cheat (and for the record I have never cheated on him), and that all women are the same and he doesn't know a single good woman, I still wanted to kiss him and sleep with him.

He knows I am moving out and he accepts it and says now he just wants to satisfy his physical needs until I move out. I know I am torturing myself but I keep sleeping with him hoping he will miss me and want to work on this and I can't bear the thought of him really moving on and sleeping with someone else and telling them how horrible I was and how much happier they are now.

I know this marriage has made me miserable and I resent it when I'm in it and even when he says clearly hurtful things, I can't help but just want him and to just love me. And I know I do need help

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

Sayoko, Hi  welcome to BPD family!

I know it's been a few days since you posted. Has anything changed? What is the timeline for moving, and what does your husband's relationship with your daughter look like?

When and how did you learn that you might have BPD? Have you found a good therapist? Therapy has been invaluable to me in my journey.

I hope you find a measure of peace in your day!
pj