I Need Help Understanding...

[KarmasReal]

Hello all,

I have posted recently about the last few months of ending things with my udbpd  ex girlfriend.  I am trying to keep moving forward, I was slipping the past couple of weeks since being around her again, I began eating poorly, skipping the gym, drinking too much, and being filled with anxiety.  I have made the turn around today and went back to the gym for a good workout, ate healthy, got some sun, and began reading for fun again although it is still tough. 

To summarize and get to my question, I was with my ex for about 5 years with about 7 or so recycles it was a mess.  This past year after running into out at a bar we began a friends with benefits situation, which she then asked to make exclusive, saying she was not sleeping with anyone so she did not want me to, and I agreed since it seemed important to her.  I thought just texting and hanging out once a week for a little or maybe twice wouldn't trigger her and everything would be easier and it was, until it wasn't. 

After about 9 months like this she starts acting weird, backing away, I knew what usually came with that by now so I confronted and asked what was up she was being disrespectful to me, I had found some boundaries at this point as opposed to the 5 previous years I was with her.  She told me it was nothing she felt like she had to respond to me when I texted her and that bothered her but I was one of the most important people in her life she was sorry.  Well I didn't buy it she came over after calling me one day and I asked again and said at some point she would have to tell me and she finally sighed and said I had sex with my ex and the condom came off and I could be pregnant with your or his kid.  Mind you she has hooked up with her ex throughout our on and off cycles even though he has children and is engaged to someone else.  I saw finally that it would never end no matter what I couldn't stop this from happening and I told her to leave and that our relationship in any manner was over. 

After two months I go out and low and behold she is sitting outside a bar where I ran into like a year ago to restart our relationship, in the same spot.  I say hey politely and she says "eff you" angrily, even though I am the one who should be angry.  I say okay have a nice night and leave.  She calls me an hour later wants me to come back and see her.  I decide to drive her home since she would have to drive drunk and the whole time she is throwing herself at me in between insulting to me, which is something she often does.  And in between that she tells me she is dating someone new and throwing that in my face, but then insulting him and telling me I was better than him in this way but he was smarter than me cause he had a PHD, like that denotes intelligence.  but anyway sadly I did have "relations" with her and then we parted and haven't talked in two weeks.

My question is that I don't understand the logic of this.  Why did she tell me she hooked up with her ex knowing I would end things, only for a week later start online dating meet someone else, then go and have "relations" with me after starting something with this new person.  It's obvious she doesn't care about him and she seems to think in a lot of areas I am better than him, so what is the point of all this?  I am a very logical person and I feel like this will drive me crazy because I don't see why she did all this.  Does she feel like she can have us all?  Does she not think after this last betrayal it's over for us, or does she know it is and just wanted to have sex with me cause she saw me regardless of the new guy?  Or after 7 or 8 recycles does she think I will be back no matter what?  Or does she think at all? 

Any help with any of this is greatly appreciated, thanks to all my fellow board members you guys are one of the reasons I am doing as well as I am during this difficult time.

[grumpydonut]

Impulsiveness. Emotional reasoning. Need for attachment. Need for validation.

[KarmasReal]

Grumpydonut,

So you don't think any logical forethought about repercussions of any of her actions came into her head at all?  Everything was an impulsive expression of her emotions, including validation and attachment regardless of anything else?

[grumpydonut]

You can't understand their heads. I've been doing the same thing you're currently doing, and it will get you no where. Maybe she was occasionally thinking, but for the most part I watched my ex "do" and then realise the consequences of her actions later. Then she'd express regret, only to "do" something bad again.

A BPD person is someone defined as having unstable interpersonal relationships with others. This is because whatever they feel is right in the moment is what they do. They have a massive void inside of them (probably caused by childhood abandonment) and their only concern is how to soothe it. You, me, we don't matter. Nor do the rest on this website with exactly the same experiences.

A BPD thinks about her / himself and her/his pain and what makes them feel better in the moment. Have you seen your ex express remorse or has it always only been regret. One is selfish, one is selfless.